


What Hurts the Most

by puddleofgoo



Series: A Life Less Ordinary [5]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst, BDSM, Drama, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sex, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-06-22
Updated: 2007-06-22
Packaged: 2018-01-12 20:57:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 53,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1200108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/puddleofgoo/pseuds/puddleofgoo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A relationship torn apart is not so easily repaired.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Hurts the Most

**Author's Note:**

> This story is set immediately following the events in A Life Less Ordinary 4: All Play and No Work… and just after the events in SGA 1x14 "Sanctuary".

Doctor Rodney McKay knew he should have expected it. Knew that as soon as the alien hussy started fluttering her eyes at Sheppard that all sense—what little sense he had—would quickly fly out the window.

Athar can't help.

Athar is sorry that he can't help you as the Wraith attack and kill your people.

Athar this. Athar that. It was just an excuse, something to say, someone else to blame for their apathetic attitude.

After Sheppard had ordered him back to the jumper like some errant five-year-old, Rodney decided to use the time to stew. John would certainly be getting a piece of his mind as soon as he stopped wooing the local alien priestess—about listening to him, about how important his opinions were to the team, to Atlantis.

Just because they shared a bed didn't mean John had any right to treat him like that.

He'd stormed back to the jumper with Lieutenant Aiden Ford and Teyla Emmagan trailing behind—both attempting to get him to calm down and slow down—but he wasn't in the mood.

"Hey! Doc! Wait up!" Ford was hurrying to catch up with him.

"Why? 'The exercise is good for you.' Isn't that what you told me earlier?" McKay commented sharply without looking over his shoulder, listening to the heavy footfalls behind him.

"Yeah, but you don't usually listen to me. What's got you so hot under the collar?"

Rodney swung around, stopping suddenly, Teyla and Ford nearly plowing into him. "Were you not just standing there? Were you even listening to what she said? Because of their damn religious misconceptions they'd rather watch us die instead of helping."

Teyla tilted her head slightly. "Their beliefs have sustained them many years, have protected them from the Wraith. How can we fault them for being unwilling to give that up?"

"I'm not asking them to give anything up. We're talking about survival here. If you and your people had managed by sheer luck to find something to protect you from the Wraith, would you refuse to help others?"

"How can we discount the possibility that it was not this Athar who led them to the device? Perhaps there are reasons the rules were put in place, even if they have been forgotten over time to be replaced with ingrained belief. That does not make them any less valid."

"It's superstitions, lies, and myths. We're talking about real human lives." Rodney shook his head and rolled his eyes, turning around once again, heading to where they'd left the jumper.

"To you it is superstitions and lies, to them it is truth. There are many things that cannot be explained readily, many left over from the time of the Ancestors." Teyla had moved to his side, refusing to let it drop. "Since you arrived and I have gotten to know the City of the Ancestors, many of these things we took on faith have proven to have a basis in fact; these people do not have the benefit of such knowledge."

"And you know what? I don't care."

"You are angry because they have an ingrained belief that has allowed them to survive for many years? How do you not know that this is not unlike Keras' planet, where the reasons for the ritual suicide were long forgotten until we arrived, but there was, in fact, a reason when we cared to look deeper? Faith is not always entirely incorrect, Doctor McKay."

"Facts and figures, Teyla, that's what matters." He waved his hands, his finger pointing up to the sky. "That weapon is tangible and is something we desperately need if we are to survive for any length of time."

"I agree." She nodded her head. "However, getting upset and belittling their faith will not get us access to this weapon, nor will it give us protection. Perhaps if we are courteous and understanding, they will come to trust us, and will allow you to look at the weapon and perhaps re-create it."

"You heard them," Rodney said, shaking their head. "There mind was made up even before we showed up. They don't care about anyone except themselves. Athar is just the excuse they use so they don't look bad."

Teyla threw a look back at Ford. "But have I not heard that your people have beliefs and Gods of your own? Aiden has told me about what you call the 'Crusades' and many other incidents in your people's history where religion was used as an excuse. How can you fault these people for what you yourself have done?"

Rodney stopped suddenly again, his body stiff. "I have not done anything like that. Is that what you think of us?" He shook his head, starting off again without waiting for her reply.

"Doctor McKay!" She hurried to catch up again. "I was not implying that you personally have done such things, merely that it is not unheard of on your planet. I am trying to understand why the faith of these people upsets you to this degree."

"Look. We're leaving and we've managed not to die horribly at the hands of the Wraith today. Just forget about it."

She did the head-tilt thing again. "As you wish. However, I do not believe you have resolved your issues. Major Sheppard—"

"Is apologizing because his head scientist can't keep his mouth shut."

Ford thankfully intervened, warning them they had company. "Here comes the Major now, with Chaya."

McKay stopped at the door to the jumper, turning to look over his shoulder. "Great."

John beamed as he saw the team looking at them. "Chaya is coming with us to Atlantis for a visit."

"Are you an idiot? You can't just invite her to come along."

"McKay," John's voice held a note of warning. "Don't be rude. Chaya wants to see Atlantis, and maybe if she sees how great we are, she can convince Athar to help us out."

"She made up her mind. A visit to Atlantis isn't going to change anything. Don't you get it? They don't care about us. They're just worried about their own asses." Rodney turned, stepping into the jumper to prep himself for the return trip. It wasn't like John was listening to him anyway.

There was a sudden hand on his elbow, propelling him forward as John hissed in his ear. "Cut it out, McKay. We need what these people have, and Chaya is the only way we're going to get it. Be nice and keep your prejudices to yourself."

"We're not going to get anything from them, Major," McKay said, pulling his arm away from John. "That part was perfectly clear from the beginning."

"You don't know that, and it can't hurt to try. As long as they're willing to listen, I'm willing to talk, got it?"

"Do you forget who you're talking to? I'm not some dumb addle-brained military grunt who you can just order around." Rodney hissed, pointing to the rear of the jumper where Ford, Teyla, and Chaya stood chatting quietly. "As soon as they start bringing in their God as an excuse not to help someone, you know they're not going to change their mind just because you flash them a smile or swing your hips. It doesn't work that way."

"They're scared of the fucking Wraith, McKay. If we can show them we aren't going to abuse their trust, that we have something to offer in return, maybe Chaya can 'convince' Athar to relent, or at least give you access to the damn weapon to reverse-engineer it. So sit down and shut up if you can't keep your opinions to yourself. We need this."

"They're not scared of anything, Sheppard. They have a planetary weapon that destroys the Wraith. There's nothing for them to worry about."

"Maybe they're scared of the Wraith finding a way to destroy it, or of someone betraying them. Just give me a chance to get past this, to negotiate. Chaya was willing to listen—don't fuck this up before I've had a chance to change her mind."

"It's a waste of time," Rodney said, moving to his seat.

"It's my time to waste. Let me do my job so you can do yours."

"Fine," Rodney said, absently waving his hand. "Waste your time. Don't bother listening to the genius."

John rolled his eyes, but turned back to Chaya, his voice dropping into the flirty-impress-people-look-at-me-aren't-I-adorable tone Rodney hated.

McKay watched as John spoke to her, observed his body language, listened to his voice, his body tensing more and more the longer it continued. Maybe he should talk to John about the drawbacks to sleeping your way into a trade agreement. He certainly had some background on the subject, Rodney thought, thinking back to Brendal.

John escorted Chaya to the front of the jumper, getting her settled next to Rodney as he brought the systems up. "We'll have to clear your visit with our leader, Doctor Weir, before we can go through the gate, but that shouldn't be a problem," he was saying.

"Of course not," Rodney muttered, turning to his tablet PC as Ford moved to the co-pilot's seat.

John shot him a glare and then smiled at Chaya. "Don't mind Doctor McKay. He gets a little testy when he isn't allowed to play with the space guns."

"I'm testy when people refuse to see past their own prejudices and misconceptions to help out others."

He could see John grit his teeth, although he didn't acknowledge him otherwise. "You'll love Atlantis, Chaya. Once you're cleared, I'll give you a tour, show you the high points."

"Of course you will," Rodney muttered, rolling his eyes.

John got them in the air, chattering to Chaya about all the virtues of Atlantis and the people currently living there. Once they were near the gate, he showed her how to dial it up, Rodney's usual job, and opened a transmission. "Doctor Weir, this is Jumper One. We'd like permission to bring a guest to Atlantis, the high priestess of Athar, Chaya Sar."

"That's a little unusual, John," Elizabeth said. "I thought you were scouting—"

"They have advanced technology, but are hesitant to share it as their God hasn't allowed it. As Chaya is the head of their religious organization, we're hoping we can show her what great people we are, and maybe she can appeal to him to change his mind."

McKay listened as Weir and Sheppard talked, holding his tongue for the time being. Commenting about the situation wasn't getting him anywhere. Maybe once they were on Atlantis they'd be able to talk. Maybe.

Weir finally gave the go ahead and they made the quick jump to Atlantis, settling down in the jumper bay, John leading the way to the control room where they met up with Elizabeth, who seemed just as eager to meet Chaya as John was to introduce her.

Elizabeth stepped forward, he hand outstretched. "Welcome to Atlantis."

Chaya inclined her head gracefully, grasping Weir's hand firmly. "Thank you."

"I hope you don't mind, but our doctors do require a medical exam of all off-world team members and our visitors, but after that perhaps you would like a full tour." Elizabeth had her diplomat smile on.

"I would love that."

Teyla stepped forward, a smile on her face. "Major Sheppard has already promised to do so."

"Of course he has," Elizabeth said, glancing at John with a half-smile as Rodney scowled and rolled his eyes.

Sheppard flashed another flirty smile at Chaya. "Of course I have."

"Please," Elizabeth said, gesturing for Chaya to walk with her, "if you'll follow me to the infirmary..." John, of course, was a few steps behind.

McKay moved forward, determined not to leave John alone with her any longer than necessary. "Maybe I should tag along in case you have any questions the Major can't answer—"

John held up his hand, cutting Rodney off. "I think I can handle it, Rodney."

"There are a lot of systems you know absolutely—"

"Got it covered," John tossed over his shoulder as he walked off.

Rodney glanced at Teyla for a moment, who only shook her head before she also walked away, following the rest of the team to the infirmary. "Fine."

He stood there a moment before finally sighing, following everyone down to the infirmary. He still had to get his own post-mission check even though it seemed as if everyone was going to be involved with the whole Chaya thing.

McKay found John hovering outside the infirmary, looking anxious. Every time the door opened, he'd peer inside trying to gauge the activity.

"What's wrong with you?"

"Hmm?" John glanced over at him, then focused his attention back on the doors.

Rodney moved closer, his hand on John's arm, turning him. "Ever since we touched down on that planet, you haven't been acting like yourself. What's going on?"

"What are you talking about?" Something rippled across John's face, defensive, confused. "I'm fine."

"No. No, you're not," Rodney said, shaking his head, his arms crossing over his chest. "What has she got that has you so infatuated?"

John rolled his eyes. "Hello, did you not notice the massive _space gun_ that shoots down the _Wraith_? If we can get their agreement to let us use their facilities as a base to retreat to in a worst-case scenario—or at least let you look at the big space gun—we'll be in so much better shape—"

"No. No we won't, because no matter what you say and how you bat your eyelashes, she's not going to do anything for us," Rodney said, trying to make John see, trying to make him understand that there was something terribly wrong. "Sure, I saw the weapon in action. I was there, remember? But if they were willing to help us, they wouldn't have needed a guided tour of Atlantis. I don't trust her."

"You don't trust anyone." John glanced around, then took Rodney's arm and pulled him into a more sheltered alcove, out of the direct line of sight of anyone walking by. He dropped his voice to a whisper. "I don't know why you're acting like the jealous boyfriend, but stop it. Even without the space gun, we need allies, and Chaya's people have information we can use. If we're nice to them, maybe we can get something useful out of this. So just stop, okay?"

"You don't know why…" McKay sputtered, his eyes wide as he pulled away from John. "I think I have every right to be jealous with the way you're acting, but that's not the issue here. There is something very…fishy about this whole situation, about her and Athar. And that's not even taking into consideration that she's too selfish to help us. She won't even take the responsibility for her decision, putting it on some…" Rodney's hands waved in the air, "deity that may or may not even exist."

"I'm not acting any way. I'm trying to make friends, which is the whole point of being a first-contact team! I might not believe in her God, but I'm not stupid enough to belittle her for it. Just roll with it, and stop trying to make an enemy out of her!"

"You're not listening. There's—"

"There's nothing wrong here except you deciding to be fucking jealous. Just stop." John moved in, pulling Rodney close, his breath hissing into his ear. "I don't have time for this right now. I'm fucking yours, so stop acting like a prick." Dropping his arm, John turned and stalked back towards the infirmary.

Rodney felt his jaw tighten as he wrapped his arms around his chest, staring at John's retreating back. Why wouldn't he listen?

But what if he was wrong and John was right? What if he were making a mountain out of a molehill?

Sighing, he moved back into the main hallway, standing and waiting, not sure what to do with himself. He needed to get his post-mission check done, but he had no intention of going in there with Chaya still there.

He could wait.

***

Things did not get better.

It was hard to play the role of Chicken Little when no one wanted to believe him—least of all John. Granted, Carson's test results did help to show that he wasn't insane, that there might be something wrong with the woman they'd brought back through the gate.

And it hurt that they didn't trust him enough to believe him when he said he had a bad feeling about her—even when the new biometric scanners said there was something…odd about her. For crying out loud, she turned on the "I am an alien" sensor but a possible treaty was far more important than the unproven hunches of a scientist.

Nothing he did, nothing he said was enough.

And instead of spending the night in John's room like he normally would the night after a mission, he was in his own room, his own bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to convince himself that he was wrong, that it was nothing.

It wasn't working.

Sighing, Rodney sat up, swinging his feet to the floor as he rubbed his hands roughly over his face. It was late, but he wasn't even close to falling asleep. Maybe if he talked to John, sorted things out…

Maybe.

Pulling on his uniform pants over his boxers and tugging on his jacket, he headed out, not really sure what he wanted to say, what he needed to say. Lost in thought, he nearly ran into Teyla in the hallway somewhere in the middle of the living quarter's sections, still a hallway over from John's quarters.

"Doctor McKay, I did not expect to see you out and about this time of night. How are you this evening?"

"Teyla! Oh, what? Oh, I couldn't sleep," he said, backing up a step, his hand waving nervously in the air.

She smiled gently. "If you are looking for Major Sheppard, I saw him several hours ago. He is taking his role as an ambassador very seriously."

"Ambassador? I though that was Elizabeth's job." Rodney's mouth dipped down, the muscles in his back tightening.

"Since the Major is the one who invited Chaya Sar here, I believe he feels somewhat responsible for the negotiations. It is...refreshing...to see him taking an interest in good relations with possible allies."

"Refreshing, eh?" Rodney narrowed his eyes, looking past Teyla. "You saw him a few hours ago, you said?"

"Yes." She tipped her head in a gesture that was beginning to irritate him. "Is there something wrong? Have you and the Major had a, I believe your term is falling-out?"

"Depends what he's been doing, I guess. We haven't exactly seen eye-to-eye on this whole…situation."

"He was showing Chaya the evening views of Atlantis per her request when I last saw him."

"Evening views…" Rodney felt his jaw tightening down as something shifted inside. "Do…do you know where he might be?"

"I do not know now, no. However, that was some time ago and we have meetings tomorrow morning. I would imagine he has escorted her back to the guest quarters by now. I was on my way to find my own rest, as you should be."

"I…I need to talk to him. Do you know where she was staying?"

"In the main guest quarters. It is the only room in use in that section, so it should not be difficult to find."

He nodded briskly, moving past Teyla without a word, knowing that John was there, but hoping he was wrong.

As he rounded a corner, he saw John slipping out of a strange room, moving to head back down the hall in the opposite direction.

"Major," Rodney called out, stepping into the hallway and out of the shadows he'd found himself in.

John jumped, then turned around to face him. "Rodney. What are you doing up so late?"

McKay moved closer, rubbing his hands together when he realized he didn't know what to say now that he had the Major…John, here. "I was just…um…I couldn't sleep, so I was going back up to the Control Room to do a little research. What about you?"

"Oh, no thanks." John started to walk back towards his quarters, forcing Rodney to follow.

"No" McKay said, his words making John pause just outside the room he'd just exited from. "I mean, what were you doing up so late?"

John just lifted an eyebrow, a quiet leer on his face. "I'm always up late, Rodney."

McKay felt his face darken as he thought back to the events a few days ago and then the situation now, standing in front of John, wondering exactly where he stood as he gazed at the kiss-swollen lips of his lover. "A word of caution? The whole Captain Kirk routine is problematic to say the least, let alone morally dubious."

John's expression slid into confusion. "What routine?"

"The romancing of the alien priestess?  It's very 1967 of you. Actually, I'm surprised—"

"I'm the ranking military officer of this base and it's my job to secure our guests. I thought we had agreed to stay out of each other's professional business." John had moved into a shadow, hiding his expression.

"But it becomes my business, Major, when an alien woman who is clearly not who she claims to be has the ranking military officer wrapped around her little finger!"

John took a step forward, and now Rodney could see the tightness of his face, the anger lurking in his eyes. "Don't go there, McKay."

"I'm sorry," Rodney replied sarcastically. "I know I'm not normally Mister Sensitive, but you gotta believe me when I say there is something about her." He paused, getting serious, trying to put as much emphasis on his words, trying to get through to John. "I know it's intangible but I can feel it. There's something wrong—"

"I said don't go there!" John took another step forward, and he was very much in Rodney's personal space.

Rodney leaned in, finger on John's chest. "It's just a matter of time before I prove it, Major." He heard a door slide open, but ignored it. "I'm just recommending that in the meantime you keep your—"

He heard a noise and a quick flick of his gaze showed Chaya standing in the doorway, anger visible in the tight lines of her body. For a second, several emotions flicker across John's face, uneasiness? fear? need? resignation? Before falling into a blank mask. Without a word he backed off and, like a dog being called to heel, turned and followed her into the room.

Rodney took a step, moving to follow, but stopped suddenly and turned, heading away from the room, away from the living quarters, anger and betrayal flowing through him. There was certainly no way he was sleeping now, not with that image running through his head.

Instead he headed up to the control room. Since she'd activated that console earlier, he had a lot of work to do to try and figure it out. At least that would give him something to do, something to keep his mind off of John and what he was most likely doing right now as the "ambassador of Atlantis."

There was hardly anyone in the control room when he strode in, bee-lining for the new console and pointedly ignoring the tech on duty. He didn't want to talk. He wanted to work, to drag his thoughts away from John, from Chaya, from John's red and swollen lips.

He worked through the night, coffee and snacks appearing at his side at irregular intervals, the tech offering a tired, tight smile whenever Rodney glanced up.

Rodney was surprised when he felt a hand on his arm and, looking up, found him staring into Elizabeth's face.

She looked surprised to see him, concern flashing across her face. "Did you sleep last night?"

"No," he replied, shaking off her hand as he walked over to the laptop he'd commandeered, pointing at the information scrolling across the screen. "This is the data from the biometric sensors. I can't tell you exactly what all these signatures mean but look at this." His finger hovered over two readouts. "These are ours and this, this is hers. There's a distinct difference."

Sighing, Elizabeth looked at the readouts. "She was born on another planet in another galaxy."

"They're different from Teyla's, too."

"That doesn't mean—"

Rodney sighed. "Elizabeth, she's not what she seems to be."

"I sense nothing but a very honest and spiritual person." She put a hand on his arm.

"Alright, there may be a way to find out. You're opening negotiations with her this morning, right?" At Elizabeth's nod he continued, his hands gesturing as he spoke. "Okay, well let me sit in. I'll pretend to be taking notes on the laptop when really I'll be scanning her for anomalies—radiation, EM scans, energy signatures. That way, if I am crazy, you and I are the only ones who need to know." He paused looking her right in the eyes. "What's the harm?"

She looked at him for a long time before nodding the okay. "Alright, but be discreet."

"I'm Mister Discreet," Rodney said, his mind already spinning, already working out what he'd need to install in the briefing room before the talks began.

Nodding to Elizabeth, he moved off, running down to the labs to grab what he needed, taking an hour to set up everything, waiting impatiently for things to begin, trying not to stare at John as he walked into the conference room.

John.

Just looking at him broke his heart. All he could see were those kiss-swollen lips and John's backside as he entered Chaya's room.

He should have known better than to trust him, than to think that this would be any different than Ivan, than the others.

Rodney let the conversations swirl around him as he concentrated on the screen before him, trying to make sense of the readings, trying to figure out what was making him so uneasy, what was it about her that set him on edge—even before she stole John from him.

He felt her eyes on him and he glanced up, meeting Chaya's eyes evenly across the room. "Have your scans found anything yet, Doctor McKay?"

Scans? How could she know? He'd made sure that nothing would show. He'd made it a point to be discreet. "Um ... uh ... actually, no," he finally said, closing the lid of his laptop, refusing to apologize for his actions.

"What the hell is this?" John half rose from his seat.

"I'm sorry, Major," Elizabeth was saying, trying to calm John down. "There was cause for legitimate concern as to—"

"—whether I was or was not who I claimed to be," Chaya said, finishing Weir's sentence.

"I'm sorry, Chaya. I honestly felt it would do no harm," Elizabeth said, offering an apologetic smile.

"Stop apologizing, Elizabeth," Rodney said, rising to his feet, things starting to slide into place. There was really only one explanation. Only one thing that fit. How had he missed it? "How did she know?"

"McKay!" John's face was tight with rage.

Turning to John, Rodney put all his anger, his frustration, and conviction into this reply. "She's an Ancient, Major."

Some of the anger bled off, replaced with confusion. "She's what?!"

"I'm right, aren't I?" Rodney said, turning to Chaya who was simply looking at him with a neutral expression—neither confirming nor denying. "The perfect health, the energy weapon, the fact that she has the gene. It's the only logical explanation."

"What the hell are you talking about?" John was looking back and forth between them.

"I just don't understand the act," Rodney continued, ignoring John as he spoke to Chaya. "I mean, you must know we'd give just about anything to talk to you, to learn from you. I mean, what is it? What, are you checking us out?"

Chaya looked away for a moment before replying. "I see that in my desire to come to Atlantis, I have revealed too much of myself."

"He's right?" Elizabeth said, her eyes wide.

"I'm right?" Rodney repeated, equally surprised that his gut feeling had turned out to be true.

"I am what you call an Ancient. And it is also true that I can never offer your people sanctuary," Chaya said quietly, glancing between everyone in the room. "But you are wrong as to why I came here."

John had sat back down heavily, looking like someone had just punched him. "Why _did_ you come here?"

She turned to Sheppard, her eyes only on him. "You, John."

His eyes went wide. "Me?"

"I have lived in solitude for so long that when you asked me to come to Atlantis, I…"

"Oh my God!" Rodney exclaimed, part of him not believing that this was happening, but also knowing full well that this was typical for Sheppard. "He _is_ Kirk!"

Rodney's mind was spinning. John. Chaya. An Ancient. A living, breathing Ancient in the city. And then, minutes later, she'd gone through the gate and John was following behind in a jumper, unable to let her go.

Standing in the control room, watching the jumper fly through the Stargate, Rodney knew he'd lost John.

Rodney could feel his face paling, the blood draining as he realized what this meant, realizing he was once again being left behind, replaced by something better. He grabbed the edge of the console, stopping his knees from buckling as the wormhole snapped off.

"Rodney!" Elizabeth grabbed his elbow and sat him in a chair. "Are you all right? I know it's a bit of a shock to find out she was an Ancient."

"I…" he said, trying to shake off her hand.

"Why don't you go down to the infirmary? I think you're going into shock, and I know you didn't sleep last night."

"I'm fine," he said, managing to stumble to his feet. "I just need to…" He gestured to the hallway, knowing he needed to get away from everyone for a little while. It was the only way he'd be able to deal with it.

"Rodney—"

He picked his head up, finally looking Elizabeth in the eyes. "I'm fine. I just need something to eat."

She watched him carefully. "All right. Go lie down and try to get some rest too. I'll call you when John gets back for the debrief."

He nodded, stumbling off, feeling her eyes on his back. He managed to get to his room without encountering anyone else, palming the door lock as soon as he stepped inside, collapsing against the wall in a heap, his body shaking.

He didn't know how long he stayed there before there was a knock at the door, a light brogue calling out. "Rodney, open up. If you don't, I'll just use the medical override and do it myself."

Triggering the door to unlock, the panels slid open a few seconds later and Carson entered, glancing around the room until his eyes finally fell on him, sitting in the same place he'd fallen.

He shut and locked the door again, sinking to the floor next to Rodney. "Want to tell me why Elizabeth said you had left the control room looking like you'd been hit on the head with a board, and now you're sitting in your room looking like someone just ran over your dog?"

"I probably should eat something," Rodney said a few moments later, his time sense all screwed up because of his non-existent night.

A PowerBar was pushed into his hand. "Rodney, what's wrong?"

"I should have known better," Rodney finally muttered, fingering the silver wrapper before managing to rip it open, shoving it down so he could take a bite of the bar.

"Known better?"

"Nothing good ever happens to me without really, really, really bad consequences. Why did I think this would be any different?"

Carson was quiet for a moment, and Rodney could feel the weight of his scrutiny. "John? What did he do?"

"The question should probably be phrased, 'who did he do?'" Rodney replied a few beats later, knowing his voice sounded slightly hysterical around the edges. "Because then the answer would be Chaya."

Carson was quiet. "Do you have proof? Because, aye, he seemed a bit…off…with her here, but I dinna think he would cheat on you."

"His lips were swollen, Carson. He was in her room."

The doctor sighed. "All right, that is a bit damning, but wait to talk to him when he gets back. There could be a logical explanation."

"I know how he looks, Carson. I've seen that…look enough."

"Give him the chance to explain. It won't hurt anything, and you might be wrong."

"I'm not."

"I know he cares deeply for you, and you for him. Are you willing to throw that away without at least giving him the benefit of the doubt, give him a chance to explain?"

"He told me it was none of my business. What am I supposed to think?" Rodney rubbed a hand over his face before taking another bite of the PowerBar, feeling it stick slightly in his throat before descending.

"What exactly did he say?"

"Carson…just, leave it. I should have known better. I’m a genius and I still can't get it right."

Carson squeezed his leg. "I think you're making a mistake in shutting down and shutting him out before you've had a chance to sit down and talk. But no matter what you decide, my friend, you know I'm here to talk."

"He went after her," Rodney said with a sigh. "She left in a glowing ball of light and he ran after her."

"He wanted answers. From what I've heard, she admitted she was here for him. And given his somewhat irregular behavior, I have to wonder... But you can't blame him for wanting to get some answers out of her."

Rodney shook his head. "So you want me just to overlook that he'll fuck anything that walks by?"

"You don't know he actually... I can't believe he would do that to you."

"And I didn't think he'd do what I already know he has—repeatedly. He spent the night! What else am I to think?"

"I think you're exhausted, and its been a long few days, on top of which there's the shock of finding out we had an Ancient in residence, albeit briefly. I don't think you're at your mental best right now, and you're letting yourself jump to the most damning conclusions."

Rodney sighed, slumping back against the wall and closing his eyes, his mind refusing to stay still. He wanted to believe Carson, he really did, but how could he just shove aside the evidence John was more or less shoving in his face?

He heard Carson shift, settling in, but giving him some space to think for a moment.

"Why?" he finally asked, the word whispered, tortured, the one question that kept rolling through his mind.

"I can'na answer that, not to your satisfaction. But ask John that question—I'm willing to bet he'll be able to."

"So you just want me to forgive and forget?"

"I want you to wait until you have all the facts before you make any decisions. You were good friends before you were lovers. Don't toss that aside, at the very least. Give him a chance to explain before you move forward."

"I already know how that conversation's going to go. I've been there, done that, and have no intention of going through it again." Rodney sighed, finally opening his eyes as he turned his head to look at his friend. "You were the one who convinced me this was a good idea in the first place. I knew I shouldn't have listened to you."

"I still think it's a good idea. You both need each other. You balance each other out, provide some stability for one another." Carson sighed. "I can't force you to be rational. Just try to keep an open mind, and if nothing else, don't toss away the friendship you have with him. This is too small of a community to avoid one another, and you enjoy each other's company too much to just let that go."

Rodney looked away, focusing on the half-eaten PowerBar in his hands, the thought of food turning his stomach. "I should get back to work."

"You should eat and rest, and then we'll have a debrief once the major returns. I've told your door not to unlock unless I ask it to using my medical protocols. I'm not going to let you injure yourself or work yourself to death."

"Carson! You can't do that."

"Aye, I can and I have. One of the perks of being CMO is that I can take steps to preserve the health of my charges as I see fit."

"But—"

Carson gave him a hard stare. "Elizabeth told me you admitted you hadn't slept last night, and somehow I doubt you've gotten much rest in the few days before that either. You are going to finish that PowerBar, and then we can sit and chat or you can lie down to rest."

Rodney sighed, his head thumping back against the wall. "I couldn't sleep," he said, his free hand gesturing at his head, his fingers waving. "Too much…"

Carson's voice was gentle. "I don't doubt it. This has been a trying situation for you I know. So eat, and we'll chat. What else has been going on in the labs? Any exciting experiments?"

"Nothing new, no. Trying to make sure the residents don't take over the asylum, but I'm fighting a losing battle," he finally said, eyeing his rumpled bed across the room. "Seems like I do that a lot."

Carson stood up, reaching down to haul Rodney to his feet before he could protest. "Go sit on the bed. I saw the look, and even if you don't rest, it will be better for your back."

Rodney scowled at the doctor, but let himself be manhandled, his mind immediately flashing back to the last time John had done that, moving him physically across a room, the promise of more, of contentment and safety and security echoed in every touch, every word. He slumped down on his bed, rolling so he was lying down on his side, curled up slightly.

He heard Carson settle into his desk chair, could feel him watching.

"I thought this would be different."

"It is different, from what little you've told me of your past relationships."

"Doesn't feel like that right now."

"John did'na set out to use you, and cares deeply about you. He might have been an ass this week, but that doesn't change how he feels about you, and we don't know yet why he was behaving that way. This galaxy has thrown us some odd curve balls a few times already, I'm willing to hear him out to see if this is another one before I make any decisions on his actions. You should be, too."

Rodney sighed, letting his eyes close.

He didn't realize he had fallen asleep until Carson was shaking him awake. "Rodney, lad, I just got the call from Elizabeth. John's returned and she's called a debrief with the senior staff."

"What?" Rodney asked, a little disoriented, confused as to why Carson was in his room.

"I hate to wake you since I know you need the sleep, but we're needed, and you need to hear whatever it is John has to say for himself."

"What? Oh…sure. Just…give me a minute," Rodney finally said, dragging a hand over his face, trying to wipe away the exhaustion as he sat up, Carson's hand on his shoulder steadying him.

A PowerBar was pushed into his hand. "Eat that before you do anything else. You barely touched the one earlier. I'll grab you a cup of water."

"I'm not hungry," Rodney began, only to be cut off by Carson.

"I don't bloody well care if you think you're hungry or not. As far as I can tell you've barely had anything to eat for the past twenty-four hours. Eat the bar."

McKay looked up, his eyes wide, surprised by the tone of his friend's voice. Dropping his head after a moment, he unwrapped the bar, taking a bite, chewing it and forcing himself to swallow. Another bite followed a moment later, a glass of water appearing in his line of vision.

"Something to wash it down with."

Rodney grabbed it without comment, taking a mouthful before he started in on the bar again. It took him several minutes before he was able to choke it down, his stomach in knots and threatening to return it in an even more unappetizing condition than when it went down. "I need a few minutes," Rodney said, getting to his feet and heading to the bathroom, stopping long enough to grab new clothes.

"I'll wait for you. Take your time. Elizabeth sent John to the infirmary for bloodwork and a post-mission, so we still have a few minutes before we need to be in the conference room."

Rodney nodded, stepping into the in-suite bathroom, stripping quickly as he flicked on the shower. Washing without much thought, he emerged a few minutes later—clean and warm—and dreading the meeting. Carson was sitting at his desk, watching as Rodney moved around his room, grabbing socks and his boots.

His friend didn't say anything until he was dressed and standing in the middle of the room uncertainly. "Ready?"

"No."

Carson stood and put a hand on his shoulder. "You know you have friends, Rodney, no matter what comes out of this."

Rodney looked at him for a long moment before nodding, lowering his eyes. "Elizabeth's waiting."

With another squeeze, Carson dropped his arm. "Let's be going then."

Rodney nodded again before following Beckett out the door, walking silently to the conference room. Elizabeth, John, Teyla, and Ford already present and from the sounds of it, had already begun. Weir's eyebrow rose as they settled into the last two seats, the doors closing behind them.

John looked up and caught Rodney's eyes, swallowing hard, but he picked up what he had obviously been saying before. "So, yeah, I think I owe everyone an apology, now that everyone's here. I...it's almost like I had some kind of filter on, and everything she said sounded really believable, and everyone's concerns were...unimportant."

"What happened, John?" Elizabeth asked, leaning forward. Rodney felt Carson's hand squeeze his arm before it dropped away.

He shook his head, looking frustrated. "I'm still not exactly sure. It was...I don't know how to describe it. I wish I could, but the best I can tell you is that it was like someone had put a filter on my brain. Anything she said was truth, and anything anyone said against her was obviously false."

Elizabeth glanced down at the PDA in her hands. "So what was true?"

John ran a hand through his hair, making it stick up more than usual. "I don't know. She was an Ancient. She can't help us because guarding Proculus is her punishment for helping the people there. If she takes on more refugees or helps anyone else, she'll be punished. She was lonely and decided to use me for a while."

"Use you?" Elizabeth asked, her voice sharp. Rodney glanced up, staring at John, needing to know the answer to that question as well, but dreading the answer.

"I...it was my gene. I think that was how she clouded my judgment. She used it to…to influence me somehow. Make me like her, want to spend time with her. Mostly she wanted to talk, to see Atlantis, walk the halls again."

"Mostly?"

Rodney watched John, watched him stare at his hands, refuse to look up. Saw his body language, the discomfort, the guilt.

McKay knew John was lying.

John finally looked up, right at Rodney. "I...we...kissed. Looking back, I didn't..." He dropped his eyes again. "My judgment was clouded and I made a mistake."

Elizabeth's face hardened, her voice tight. "Is there something else…anything else you need to mention?"

Rodney saw John swallow. "When I went back... I wanted answers, wanted to know what the hell was going on. She...shared."

McKay couldn't look anymore, couldn't watch Sheppard squirming, his body screaming that the words leaving his mouth weren't the truth.

"Shared?" Elizabeth's voice was dry, demanding.

"Shared. It was...glowy. I don't remember much now. Just bright light and for a few seconds knowing what it felt like to Ascend, to be exiled from your people, to be so alone it hurts."

Rodney couldn't help but focus on two words. Shared. Glowy. It was even worse than he thought, and he'd already thought it was pretty bad. This…this just made it ten times worse.

Elizabeth had turned to Beckett, her voice clipped and tight. "Carson, your team…"

"They've taken blood samples, and I'd like the Major to stay in the infirmary for the next twenty-four hours for observation so we can make sure he's not being influenced by outside factors." Carson's voice was professional.

"Fine," Rodney could feel John looking at him again. "Although I think I'm clean now. The…pressure…in the back of my head, it's gone now. All I can feel is Atlantis."

"I think it might be a good idea to have Carson check you over, just to be on the safe side," Weir said. "Is there anything else you can think of that we should know? Is there any possibility that something…good will come out of this?"

John gave a quick, cynical laugh. "For us? Not a chance. I was...we were...fucking used. She got what she wanted, and now we won't even be able to dial that gate. Once I went through, she made it clear she would block us from opening a wormhole to Proculus again."

Rodney heard Weir shifting in her chair. "I understand. I wish things could have been different. She has so much to offer…" She paused and Rodney could feel her gaze as she glanced around the room. "Does anyone else have anything to add?"

Everyone was quiet for a moment, and it was, surprisingly, John who broke it. "I'd like to apologize again, for anything I said or did while she was here. I was a jerk at times, and I'm...I'm sorry."

"I think," Elizabeth began, "that we all understand. So if there's nothing else, I think we're all dismissed. John, I believe you'll be going with Carson."

Rodney was on his feet the minute Weir said they were dismissed, the doors to the conference room barely open wide enough for him to slip through, his long strides taking him down the stairs to the transporter.

"McKay! Wait!" John was after him, slipping into the transporter before the door closed. "We need to talk."

"No," Rodney said, his arms crossed over his chest. "No, we don't. I think you've said enough already."

"Please. I didn't...Rodney, I didn't cheat, I swear. I didn't realize what she was doing to me when she was here, didn't realize she was controlling me."

McKay was out the door a moment after it slid open, striding down the wide hall leading to the labs, scientists milling about, startled by the eruption from the transporter.

"McKay!" John grabbed his arm, forcing him to stop. "Please. Can we go to your office, anywhere? Just a few minutes. I have to report to the infirmary soon."

"I have nothing to say, Major," Rodney said, pulling his arm back. "I…I can't do this again and right now I have work to do."

"Please." John's voice had dropped to a whisper, and he looked miserable. "Just let me explain."

"You explained, Major, to everyone in that room."

"I gave my official report. Let me talk to you. In private." John glanced at the people milling around. "Just ten minutes. Please...Rodney..."

"Five minutes," Rodney finally said, already on the move, turning into the science labs and nearly bowling over Radek on the way to his office, John apologizing for him.

Once the door was closed, John fidgeted, running his hand through his hair again. "I'm sorry. God, I'm sorry. I should have listened to you, I know that. I swear I didn't do anything more than...than kiss her, and I didn't... Every time I thought of you it was like someone was shoving it aside, pushing you away. God, Rodney, I didn't mean to...I didn't want—don't want—her. I want you."

"I saw you, John. Watched you then like I did during the briefing and it's all the same. You say you're sorry, you apologize now, but even in front of Elizabeth and the senior staff you didn't tell them the whole truth," Rodney said, his anger and hurt fueling his words. "You didn't just kiss her. I've seen you enough the past few months…I know the difference. You spent the night. You had glowy sex with her. What else do you want me to say?"

"I didn't sleep with her!" John moved closer, cupping Rodney's face before he could move away. "I didn't. We kissed, that was as far as it went. I didn't sleep with her, and I didn't want to."

"No, don't!" Rodney stumbled in his effort to get away, managing finally to get the desk between them. "Just don't."

"Rodney." John almost sounded like he wanted to cry. He reached out, but didn't attempt to come closer again. "I swear, nothing else happened. I was a jerk, and I let her control me, but I didn't sleep with her. I didn't want her, not like I want you. I didn't care about her, damnit!"

"No," Rodney said, stepping back so John couldn't reach him, touch him. "You 'shared' with her," he said, his fingers making air quotes. "I can't…I can't look past that, not after what…not after what I gave you. Especially after that." He took a breath and saw John open his mouth to say something, but Rodney brought his hand up, the gesture stopping him.

"No. This time you listen because I'm only going to say this once. I thought you were different, thought this was going to be different, but I was wrong. You're just like the others were. I should have known better, but I wanted…wanted to believe that for once in my life things would work out just the way I wanted them to. I'll get my stuff tonight when you're in the infirmary."

"Rodney! No. It wasn't like that. I didn't...I'm not like... God, please don't do this. Please. Give me a chance to make it up to you. I need you, goddamnit. I didn't sleep with her. She did a glowy thing and showed me... showed me what it was like, what her life was like. If she had given me... she used me, Rodney. She used the fact that I have this gene and—"

"No, John. I can't." Rodney glanced away. "I can't."

He heard a soft noise, a whimper, looked over to see John sliding to the floor along the wall. "Rodney..."

"I'm sorry. I can't do this again. I've…" Rodney closed his eyes briefly, taking a breath. "I'm sorry." McKay moved toward the door, glancing down, his heart breaking just a bit more. "I'll…Stay as long as you need."

When John looked up, he looked absolutely wrecked. "I don't... Rodney..."

"I’m sorry," Rodney said, taking a breath and squaring his shoulders, he walked out the door of his office and out into the hall, ignoring Radek's questions. He needed a place to breathe for a few minutes. And then, he had work to do.

***

John didn't remember leaving Rodney's office or the walk to the infirmary. His brain was running in a tight circle of "Oh my, God what have I done?" interspersed with "Rodney, I've lost Rodney."

He was only vaguely aware of someone taking his arm and leading him somewhere. He thought maybe someone tried to give him a cup of something, but his hands were numb. He didn't even know if he dropped whatever it was, or if it was taken from him. On some level he knew he was shutting down, shutting out everything that had happened the last few days. It had been bad enough that he had been, essentially, mind raped by an Ancient alien priestess. Now he had lost Rodney because of it.

Oh, God. He had lost Rodney.

From far away he heard a whimper, realized vaguely that is was him, but he couldn't get past it.

He had lost Rodney.

Someone was shaking him, talking to him, but he couldn't—he had closed his eyes at some point, and the effort of opening them was almost overwhelming. He only did it because someone was commanding it of him, his brain falling back on habit and responding to orders when it couldn't process anything else.

Worried blue eyes and a Scottish brogue dragged him back to the present, although all he could do was stare, unable to move beyond the one thought consuming him. He had lost Rodney.

"John, you need to respond. You're starting to scare me and the nurses and I don't want to bring Kate into this."

"C..carson? Oh God..." John felt the shudder starting somewhere deep inside him and he couldn't stop it. It was too much, everything that had happened. Too much...

"I know," Beckett said, his hands on his arm as he levered him down so John was lying on the infirmary bed. "I had hoped…" He sighed.

John continued to shake. He was so cold. "I lost... Oh God... No..." He heard another pathetic whimper come from somewhere, still only vaguely aware the noise was coming from him.

A warm, heavy weight descended on him—a heated blanket—Carson tucking it in around him. "John, I need you to concentrate. I know you've been through a wee bit of a shock, but I need you to listen to me. I know it hurts—probably more than you can imagine—but you need to snap out of it. I can only keep so much of this under the radar and I don't want to bring in Kate—or have someone bring her in."

John tried to curl into the warmth, closing his eyes and taking a few deep breaths. "Oh God Carson... I..." With a hard swallow, he forced himself to hear what the doctor was telling him. He made an effort, opening his eyes again and focusing. "This week has really sucked," he managed to get out around the lump in his throat.

"Aye, that it has," Carson nodded, a sad expression on his face. "I take it you and Rodney talked."

John couldn't stop the low noise that escaped him at the question, eyes fluttering shut again. "I couldn't... he wouldn't... I begged, but he..."

"He's hurtin' just as much, maybe even more than you," Carson said quietly.

That didn't help, if anything, it made it worse, knowing he had hurt Rodney, couldn't fix this. He moaned, tried to curl into himself on the bed. This wasn't happening. He was going to wake up tomorrow drenched in sweat and this would all be a fucking nightmare. He could wrap his arms around Rodney, kiss him, bury himself in his lover and forget this because it wasn't real. It couldn't be.

"John," Carson said firmly, shaking him. "I really need you to stay with me. Talk to me."

"Not real. Tell me this isn't real."

"All too real, I'm afraid."

"No... please..."

"John, please," Carson said, squeezing his hand. "I know you've been through a right difficult experience. I know you're hurting. Right now, I think you need to give Rodney the space he needs."

John knew Carson was right. But he couldn't... it was just too much. He needed his lover, needed someone to hold him. He was already fucked up from what Chaya had done to him—he still couldn't process that completely yet. And now this. "Carson... I can't... It hurts, oh God it..."

"I know I’m not much of a substitute, but I'll stay with you while you're in the infirmary tonight. I asked Teyla to keep an eye on Rodney."

Swallowing hard, John nodded. Being alone right now was a bad thing. For either of them. But he didn't want the world witnessing his breakdown either. "We alone?"

"More or less," Carson said. "We are in the infirmary, but I had them put you in one of the semi-private rooms. You were nearly unresponsive when you came here. Radek walked you in from the science labs. He was…upset about your state of mind."

"I don't remember getting here." John forced himself to open his eyes again, glad he didn't have to move or look far to find Carson's face. "I didn't cheat. I swear I didn't. We kissed…she... I tried to tell Rodney... it was like every time I thought about him it was getting shoved aside. She used me Carson, fucking used me to get what she wanted and she took Rodney."

"We know that now, but the damage, I believe, was done years ago," Carson said quietly. "I know that doesn't help you now."

"No... Doesn't help at all." He whispered it, fighting the urge to close his eyes and attempt to will it all away again. Atlantis was just sentient enough that he could cause serious trouble if he wasn't careful.

"What was it…why did she seem to fixate on you and Rodney? Do you have any idea?"

"Gene. She sensed my gene and... She didn't want to share. I think she had an idea of keeping me, but Rodney exposed her, and she realized she couldn't do it. I feel... I was... God, this is worse than rape. She messed with my thoughts, Carson. She fucking took away Rodney and she left me with nothing..."

"You still have him as a friend."

"Do I? Will he ever speak to me again, or have I fucked that up too?"

"Is he hurting? Yes. But we also live in a very small community. I can't see him changing everything to avoid you, John. It's not practical. He's a member of your team. You were friends before you became something more to each other. Don't let that part slip away."

John let his eyes slip closed again. God, it was cold in here, even with the heating blanket, and he shivered. "I can't do this. Not yet. I can't... I can't plan a life as friends when I just want him here, want to hold him, want to..."

"Aye. It'll take time, for both of you. But John, if you don't want to lose him entirely I think you're the one who will have to make that move. From what I know about Rodney, he won't be the one."

John knew that was true. He was going to have to be the strong one. He was going to have to be the one to set aside his pain and work to keep their friendship from falling apart. And damn it, that hurt too, when all he wanted to do was let go and fall apart for a little while.

"You have tonight here," Carson said quietly. "We can talk about anything you want, or you can sleep. Whatever you want."

He didn't know what he wanted anymore, beyond the achingly empty part of him that wanted Rodney. He knew he wasn't going to sleep any time soon, but talking... "Distract me. Please. Carson..."

"Aye, I can do that. Should we talk about Radek's still then?"

"M'not supposed to know about that."

"But Snyder and Fritz certainly do."

"Oh?" John forced himself to open his eyes, tried to work up interest. He really needed to think about something else, since even now he felt himself trying to slip back into the endless loop of 'I lost him'. "What did they do?"

"The sergeants decided to enjoy themselves last night."

"Oh, fuck. What did they do?" John uncurled a little, the military commander in him starting to surface.

"It was actually quite amusing," Carson said, his mouth twitching up in a half-smile. "They decided the botany labs were just the place to enjoy a wee nip. It seems they were in the small hydroponics garden they have growing there. The one with the native Pegasus plants."

"What happened? I'm surprised I don't have a line of angry botanists banging down my door."

"No. I think they were more…amused. It was one of the botanists who found them when she went to check on one of her experiments. It seems that these two lads shouldn’t touch some of the plants after they've ingested copious amounts of moonshine. Let's just say that the two lads will be spending a great deal of time with calamine lotion and oatmeal baths for the next week."

"Poison ivy?" He let his lips twitch up in a small parody of a smile.

"Something similar, aye. But it seems the alcohol in their system just intensified the effect. I do have to say that the rash was quite lovely. They're not exactly…happy about the head-to-toe dot patterns."

"I have polka dot Marines. Hide the cameras, or we'll never get all the pictures off the intranet boards." John shook his head, slowly letting his tense muscles unwind. His stomach growled a little, surprising him.

"I think that's too late," Carson said chuckling as he tapped his radio. "Suzanne, can you bring in the dinner tray I requested? Thank you."

"Dinner tray?" John raised an eyebrow. Thinking back, he realized he hadn't eaten since early this morning, but he didn't think Carson knew that.

"Aye. I figured you might need a little something to eat once you got here," Carson said rising to his feet when he heard the knock at the door. He moved to the door, opening it and taking the tray from his nurse, thanking her before walking back to the bed, the panels shutting behind him. "I just asked for some soup and a sandwich—something light—but you should eat something."

The smell made his stomach growl again, much to his embarrassment. "I think my body agrees with you." When the tray was set in front of him, however, he realized it was the sandwich Rodney always ate, and a sharp stab of loss hit him, making him close his eyes, appetite forgotten again. "I really did lose him, didn't I? I fucked this up beyond what can be fixed?"

"Maybe. Eat."

John slumped back into the bed. "God, I feel like someone ran over me with a puddlejumper. Repeatedly." He poked at the sandwich but didn't pick it up.

"Don't argue with your friendly, neighborhood doctor. Eat. And aye, I imagine you do feel that way. But the real question is: do you want to let things stay this way?"

"No. I want them back the way they were before we went on the last mission. I was happy, Carson. He was happy. I don't think either of us had ever..." With a sigh he picked up the food and nibbled at the edges.

"Then work toward it."

"How? He didn't even want to be in the same room with me, much less let me touch him. He practically jumped across the room to get away when I tried."

"Right now it's too soon, too fresh. Give it time. Give him time."

John sighed again. "That's not as easy as it sounds."

"John," Carson said, leaning forward. "If you want it to work, you have to let him have his space now. Do you think this was an easy decision for him to make? Do you think he was waiting for a chance to run?"

John took a bite more to buy himself time than anything else. "Honestly? I don't know. If you had asked me that three days ago, I would have laughed at the idea. But now... I just don't know."

"He's hurting, John. He's scared."

"He wouldn't even listen to me. I didn't mean to hurt him, didn't even know I was doing it at the time. But in his mind I'm no better than every other fucker who ever hurt him. What am I supposed to think of that? What am I supposed to do when the man I thought I... when I find out someone I care about thinks so little of me?"

"I don't know what to tell you, but I think if you give it time, that things might change. Right now, it doesn't seem like it's possible, but you have to trust me and trust Rodney."

Trust. That was really the issue here, wasn't it? John ate the rest of his sandwich, and picked up the spoon to play in the soup. "I think I do. Trust you. And him. I want to fix this if it can be fixed, but I have no idea how."

"Take your time. You know him better than yourself at times," Carson said, looking John in the eye, holding his gaze. "Work with him. Trust yourself to know how to handle him."

"He's going to try to avoid me, at least at first. Try to lose himself in his work. He won't let me stop him, not right now. Carson... watch him for me? Until he'll let me in again, even as a friend?" It hurt to have to ask someone else, when John wanted to be the one hauling Rodney away from the labs, making him stop and breathe once in a while. But if it couldn't be him, he knew Carson was the only other option.

"I can do that," Beckett said, nodding. "But don't give up on him."

John let his lips quirk up in a tired smile. "Even when he's given up on me? No, don't answer that. I already know the answer." John played with the soup a bit more, thinking. "Movie night. I've been a bit lax on that lately. We used to do them every week, barring catastrophes. If I plan them, will you make sure Rodney comes? It'll be the team, you, and maybe Elizabeth. I'll invite her, but she doesn't always come."

"I think I can persuade him," Carson replied, his mouth definitely twitching into a smile this time.

John let himself get lost in the logistics, the planning. He had been surprised to find he enjoyed that side of the job—even if he hated the paperwork it produced—and it gave him something to focus on, something to occupy himself other than self-pity and recriminations, neither of which would get him Rodney back. "I'll let Ford do the actual invites. I usually had him do it anyway, so Rodney will be less likely to find excuses if it comes from him."

"And John?"

"Yes?"

"Take the time to enjoy it."

"Enjoy what? Being estranged from my lo—from Rodney? Not knowing if I'll be able to salvage our friendship, if nothing else?" He couldn't help it. He was trying not to be bitter, really he was. This just hurt in ways he hadn't known he could hurt.

"The courting."

"Courting?" John's eyes snapped up, widening.

"Courting," Carson said with a smile. "We both know where this will end up. It might take some time and effort, but with your persistence it'll work out exactly the way you want."

John blinked slowly, and for the first time since the Chaya debacle had started, he felt a real smile cross his lips. "Courting. You know, I never really had the chance to do that the first time. We sorta fell into it, and even though I teased Rodney about it, it wasn't ever really necessary."

"Think you're up for a challenge?"

Snorting, John tilted his head. "Whether I am or not, I don't have much choice, not if I want him back." He lowered his eyes, more than a bit surprised at how hard this was hitting him. Even when his ex-wife had left him, he had just shrugged and gone off to his next assignment. "He's worth it, Carson. I don't know how he managed to get this far in, but... he's mine and I want him back."

"Good." This time Carson smiled broadly. "Now, you should get some sleep because you have a very full schedule ahead of you."

Running a hand through his hair, he let Carson take the tray and move it away from the bed. "I don't know how well I'll sleep tonight. Too much has happened the last few days."

"You'll be surprised," Carson said, tugging up the blankets. "Rest. You're going to need it. I'll stay if you want me to."

John knew he was blushing from the amused quirk of Carson's eyebrows. "If you... wouldn't mind? It's stupid I know, but while she was here I found myself getting out of bed and heading to her room without any real thought. I know she's gone and can't... but I'd feel better if..."

"I'll stay," Carson said firmly, patting his arm. "Let me get a few things and I'll be right back."

"Thanks." John let himself sink all the way down, forcing his muscles to relax, although his face was still burning. By the time Carson returned, he had managed to convince most of his body to unclench, and was actually starting to feel a bit tired. "That was fast."

"I needed to check on a few things and talk to Suzanne," he said, climbing up on the adjacent bed. "And I fully intend to sleep tonight, so no midnight wandering."

"As long as I don't get summoned by freaky glowing Ancient priestesses, I don't plan on going anywhere." He winced as he said it, but it was true. He had been a good little dog, coming to heel every time she called. With a sigh, he pushed the thought aside. He had enough to deal with right now without that too.

"I have Suzanne outside with a stake and some garlic and various other items. Think that'll work?"

That surprised a chuckle out of him. "Yeah, it just might. Thanks."

"Good. Now…since I have no intention of this becoming a ten-year-old girl sleepover, might we try and go to sleep?"

John grinned at the ceiling. "Twelve-year-old girl, thank you very much. I'm not going to give up those two years without a fight."

Carson chuckled as the light slowly lowered. "Fine, take the two years."

John pitched his voice as high as he could get it. "Oh, Carson, _thank you_. With your help I just know we can find out if Rodney likes me. Will you pass him a note after class?"

"You bloody git…" Carson said, laughing now.

John chuckled, closing his eyes. "Sorry, couldn't resist. Night, Carson."

"Go to sleep, John."

Replying with a huff, John pulled the blankets tighter around his body, and drifted off to sleep wishing it was Rodney's arms holding him instead.

***

John sat on the couch, working hard to project his laid-back, carefree persona. It had been three days, and he hadn’t even seen Rodney’s shadow. He was glad Carson was keeping an eye on him, and the good doctor was giving John regular updates.

It helped. Not a lot, but every little bit counted he guessed.

When he had been discharged from the infirmary, he had returned to his room to find all traces of Rodney gone. That had almost made him doubt his plan to win the irritating scientist back, but then he had noticed something else was missing too.

The blindfold. One of Rodney’s favorite toys.

 

So his lover—well, ex and hopefully one day again lover—wasn’t as over this as he wanted John to believe.

Again, it wasn’t much, but John took what he could get.

Ford had planned Movie Night in record time, and that made him feel a little guilty in and of itself. He had neglected the rest of his team in the giddiness of a new relationship. After he got things settled again, he promised himself he wouldn’t let that happen again.

 

Now it was time to see if Carson could actually get Rodney here. Ford and Teyla were sprawled out on two of the three chairs in the room, with Elizabeth curled in the last one. The only seating options left were the two places on the couch with John or the floor. He looked up as Carson came in almost dragging McKay behind him.

“I was wondering when you two would get here. Ford’s been practically vibrating in his excitement to start. He won’t even tell us what we’re watching.” John kept his voice casual, but he couldn’t help letting his eyes settle on Rodney. God, he missed him.

 

"Some of us were actually trying to get work done," Rodney complained, allowing Carson to shove him toward the couch. 

"You know what they say about all work and no play, McKay." John caught Rodney's eye for a brief moment, and need flashed through him. He tamped it down as quickly as it came on, lowering his eyes when he saw Rodney pause. "So Ford, now that everyone's here, what are we watching?"

"Well, sir," Ford said, turning with a smile, his hands full of DVDs. "It seems we've gotten a few donated ones tonight. Mostly scifi from the looks of it."

John watched Carson snag the other end of the couch, managing to make it look casual and leaving the middle—next to John—for Rodney. "Read 'em off, Lieutenant. Let's see what sparks the interest of the majority."

McKay paused for a moment before moving toward the couch, but instead of taking the open area, he took a seat on the floor, leaning back against the arm nearest Carson. "You have 'The Sixth Sense' in there?" he asked, wiggling his fingers at the doctor, demanding a pillow.

Carson handed it over, and John tamped down his disappointment. Ah well, at least McKay wasn't running. That was progress. "'The Sixth Sense? Which one is that?"

"Bruce Willis was in it. I've always wanted to see it."

Ford shuffled through the stack. "Actually I do have that one. Any objections?" When he didn't get any, he popped it in, and John told the lights to dim.

"Thanks, Ford," McKay muttered just as the opening credits started to roll, his voice lighter than it had been when he'd walked in.

John settled in to watch the movie, although admittedly he didn't so much pay attention to the screen as to Rodney. He had to quirk a grin when, twenty minutes into the film, the comments started. He had missed snark.

But what was even more amusing was Rodney shushing anyone else who attempted to say anything, complaining that he couldn't concentrate. By the middle of the movie, Rodney was shifting constantly, obviously in pain, but refusing to budge. Carson finally huffed and dragged him onto the couch, sliding to the middle as he let Rodney take the corner.

John gave another internal sigh, but at least Rodney seemed to be more comfortable as the final credits rolled, and he brought the lights back up. "Good movie. Nice choice, McKay."

A snore answered him in response.

Carson chuckled, and everyone else had looks of varying amusement. Elizabeth stood up, stretching. "This was an excellent idea. Thank you gentlemen, Teyla. I think I'll head to bed."

Everyone else cleared out too, drifting off to bed until it was just John and Carson, with a snoring Rodney. John watched his sleeping scientist with longing. “I don’t think he’d take kindly to me being the one to wake him up and put him to bed, would he?”

"He needs the sleep and I hate to wake him," Carson said with a sigh. "But he has a mission tomorrow."

John gripped the side of the couch hard. "I still don't like him going off-world without me. Aside from anything else, he's my teammate. It's my job to protect him."

"Bates will make sure nothing happens to him."

John shook his head. The reason for the science mission had been explained to him, and he even understood why Rodney had decided to go himself. But John was still grounded, which meant Rodney was unprotected. "You don't know his capacity for getting into trouble."

"It's the same as yours."

"And I don't go off-world without my team to watch my six."

"He needs to do this. It's all he's been talking about for days."

John sighed, pushing his fingers through his hair. "Yeah, you've said. That doesn't make me any happier about it though. Hell, if Teyla or Ford were going, I'd take that too."

Carson nodded, understanding on his face. "We should probably put him to bed."

John stood, giving in to the temptation to run his fingers along the familiar jaw in a gentle caress. Rodney leaned in to it slightly, but didn't wake up, which made John's chest hurt. "I should go so you can take care of him."

"You can help. He's not exactly a light weight."

"He'll wake up as soon as you try to move him. The trick will be to get him to go to bed and not back to his lab."

"Help me, then."

John hesitated and then leaned down, staying just out of Rodney's personal space, despite what he wanted. He put one hand on the snoring man's knee and shook it lightly. "Come on, Rodney. Your bed is a lot more comfortable than this couch."

Rodney snorted, managing to shift and shrug off John's hand as he rolled to the side.

"Come on, you've got a mission tomorrow, so you need real sleep, not a cat nap in the rec room." John slid a hand back to Rodney's knee and squeezed lightly.

He mumbled and Carson shook Rodney's shoulder. "Come on, lad."

The urge to move in and catch Rodney's mouth with his own was almost overwhelming. John found himself moving before he aborted it, blushing a little when he saw Carson's grin. He squeezed the warm knee under his hand again instead. "Prescription mattress, McKay."

"Hmm….what?" Rodney responded suddenly, sitting upright and wincing, his hand going to his lower back as he groaned in pain.

"You fell asleep half-way through the movie. Come on, let's get you to bed where you can get some sleep that won't leave you crippled tomorrow." John stood up and backed off slightly, although he didn't go far.

"Oh," Rodney replied, lifting his hands to Carson and John—an obvious request for assistance.

John ignored the thrill that went through him at the gesture, and took Rodney's hand. They managed to get him standing with minimal effort, and John dropped the contact reluctantly, unable to stop himself from dragging his thumb across the back of Rodney's hand as he did. "Come on, Sleepy, let's put you to bed."

"You…who? Grumpy?" Rodney muttered, punctuating the question with a yawn.

They walked beside him all the way back to the residential quarters, re-adjusting Rodney when he stumbled, still obviously half-asleep. He must be exhausted to be this out of it, John realized.

"Thought I was Dopey. Carson is Doc by default." John ended up with a hand on Rodney's elbow guiding him, and he once again felt a thrill that, even exhausted, Rodney was letting him get close again.

Carson sent him a smug smile over Rodney's head.

"Whatever," Rodney said with a wave of his hand.

"Dopey was the most under-appreciated of all the Dwarves. He had hidden depths." John ignored the smile.

They managed to get Rodney back to his quarters, stripping him to his boxers and leaving him in his blue t-shirt and tucking him into bed—nearly without moving him to full wakefulness. John did spot a familiar piece of fabric peeking out from under Rodney's pillow, making his eyes widen.

Rodney was already snoring again lightly, so John tugged it out a little, sucking in a breath when he realized McKay had been keeping it so close. "Rodney..." The whisper fell from him, and he leaned down, brushing his lips across the crooked mouth he missed so much. Straightening, he realized Carson was still there and watching him, and he flushed.

Carson held up a finger to his lips, gesturing with his other hand for John to move outside with him.

With a last caress across Rodney's face, John reluctantly left. Once they were outside, he leaned against the wall, glad it was late enough for the hallway to be empty.

"As…happy as I am that you were able to see that for yourself," Carson began slowly, "do I have to remind you about your speed?"

"No. I know. I just... God, I miss him."

"I know. But please, John. Take it slow."

He didn't want to take it slow. He wanted to go back in, strip to his boxers and curl himself around Rodney. But he knew Carson was right. "I know. I'm trying. I really am. I just... miss him."

"And he misses you—more than he's willing to admit right now. I'm trying to tell you this as a friend, so please take it that way. You risked everything a few minutes ago. What if he'd woken up?"

John wanted to be angry, but he couldn't work up the energy. He knew his friend was right. So he changed the subject. "He's sleeping with the blindfold. I knew he'd taken it, but I didn't know he was keeping it so close."

"Aye. I saw it the other day."

John pushed off from the wall and started towards his own quarters, Carson falling into step next to him. "Out of curiosity, is he taking this as badly as I am, or am I the only freak in this...thing...we have?"

"Does not sleeping, working too hard, and eating erratically sound good?"

"You know I don't want to hear that. God, it's a wonder he made it to adulthood. The man has no ability to take care of himself."

"I disagree," Carson said, gesturing for John to walk with him down the hall. "When he's focused he's fine. Right now, he's listless. That's the biggest problem. He can't concentrate as well as he normally can and he tries three times as hard to make sure he gets everything right, so he doesn't miss anything."

"That doesn't really make me feel any better you know." John followed Carson, curious as to where they were going, since it was away from both their quarters.

"I know," Carson said, gesturing to the transporter, stepping out near the infirmary. "He's hurting, but he's also very unsure of what he wants. Give him time."

"I'm trying. Think he'll chase me away or hide if I try to go down to the labs this week?"

"Depends on what you want."

"Honestly, just his company. But I'll take what I can get. Zelenka has been sending me increasingly demanding emails to come down and play light switch for him. I've been putting it off so I won't run Rodney out of the lab, but..."

"Do it. They need the help."

"I don't want to run him out of the only place he feels safe right now."

"And you won't," Carson said, gesturing to the guest chair in his office as he slid around to his own chair, reaching in the drawer for a bottle and two glasses.

John dropped into the chair in a boneless sprawl. "I'll shoot a note to Zelenka tomorrow then. See when he wants me, and CC McKay. That way he at least has the option to leave before I get there if he can't bear to be near me."

"Good plan. Keep it professional. Keep it friendly. Don't get too close—at least for now. Let him get used to you."

"I've never had to work this hard to get someone I wanted before." John accepted the glass that was handed to him with a raised eyebrow.

"It'll be good for your constitution," Carson commented with a half-smile.

"This the good stuff, or another of Zelenka's experiments?"

"The good stuff. You looked like you could use it."

John drained half the glass in a shot, then settled in to savor the rest, grateful for the burn he felt spreading through his body. "Not getting too close is going to be a problem. I can't be near him and not want to touch."

"I saw," Carson said, sipping on his own drink. "Court him, John. Take it slow. I know you want what you had, but Rodney's not ready for that."

"Go back to square one, I know. How do you court an irritable, skittish geek who isn't sure he wants to be courted though?"

"Carefully and with plenty of food."

"I don't have much chocolate left. I gave most of it to Rodney already. Hey! What about math? I can do that for him, right?" John was feeling just buzzed enough that he was starting to let things slip. It had been a long time since he had let himself drink anything alcoholic, and Carson's stuff was potent.

"Professional. Friendly. Keep those in mind."

"What if he thinks I backed off because I don't care?" That had been eating at him. He knew Rodney, and 'professional and friendly' could go south in a hurry if his geek took it the wrong way.

"Trust me when I tell you that it hasn't crossed his mind. He's more worried about what he did to drive you away in the first place, but that's something you'll need to deal with later on."

"And it isn't his fault. Damn it, I hate that I made him feel this way." John stood, pacing the small office.

"You didn't. Chaya did. Keep that distinction in mind, John."

"But she used me to do it. I should have fought harder, should have known what was happening." The anger that had been building below the surface was starting to break free, helped along by the booze. He just wished he knew who he was more angry at—Chaya, or himself.

"John, you couldn't have known. None of us did."

"Rodney did."

Carson sighed. "I don't know what to tell you except to take it slow and don't give up."

John dropped back into the chair and finished off the dregs of his glass. "And to top it all off, I go from having more and better sex than I've ever had in my life, to none whatsoever. I think, if I ever see Chaya Sar again, I may shoot first and ask questions later."

Carson turned red as he looked into his glass. "What is it with the two of you and sharing personal information? Not that I'm complaining, really. I'm glad you trust me, but—"

"We're guys—we're supposed to talk about sex all the time. And what do you mean the two of us? Has he... does he miss me? And before you make the twelve-year-old girl jokes, remember that I know at least twenty ways to kill you with a spoon."

"We had a discussion about your…toys a week or so ago."

"Oh. Yeah, he told me about that. We haven't found any more of them." John grinned at the blushing doctor. "The Ancients make really good toys."

"Rodney did promise me…" Carson began, before his voice trailed off as his blush deepened. "Oh…my. I think I've had a wee bit too much."

John laughed. "Yeah, he told me that, too. If we find another one, I'll pass it on. Given how Rodney reacts to it, everyone should have a vibrating cock ring that responds to mental commands."

Carson shook his head, draining the last of his glass. "Like I said, I wanted you to see for yourself. He's not as far away as you think. Just give him time."

Huffing, John let him change the subject. It was getting a little too close to the painful end of things for him right now anyway. "I'm trying. I really am. I don't want to fuck this up more than I already have, Carson. And I know I don't say it often, but I do appreciate the help. I'd probably either be a basket case or have managed to out myself to the entire expedition by following McKay around like a lovesick puppy by now."

"And right now, that might not be a good thing," Carson said, an uneasy look passing over his face.

John sat up, instincts kicking in through the pleasant haze buzzing through him. "Carson?"

"Let's just say there's been some talk—especially after word got around about the incident a few months ago. Rodney doesn't know—hasn't heard. For once I’m glad he's oblivious."

"Talk?" Everything else dropped away. "What talk and who's saying it?"

"The usual when people aren't thinking and I have'na been able to pin it to anyone in particular. They're nae talking around me."

"Carson, what the hell have you heard? Is it about Rodney?" Fear and anger were upping his adrenaline, burning off the alcohol in his system. Unfortunately, the more clear-headed he felt, the more anxious he was feeling.

"I have'na heard anything directed at him. But after the incident with Brendal a few months ago…it seems more people know than not." Carson looked down at his empty glass. "Right now it's more…general. We're in a closed society, John, people talk—as much as they know they shouldn't. We're living in each other's back pockets. I'm actually surprised we've had such a quiet run so far—in terms of personnel."

"You think someone will give him a hard time? The personnel the SGC sent here were screened pretty carefully. It would have been hard for someone with a lot of prejudices to have gotten through, at least on the military side."

"I honestly donna know. I donna think so, but it may be a good idea for you to make sure you donna do anything to bring attention to his—and your—relationship."

John slumped back into the seat. "Great. Just...great. I knew I had to be careful, but admittedly I wasn't being as quiet about it as I probably could be. I didn't think it would be a big deal as long as we weren't throwing it in people's faces. We might never see Earth again, and I'm already known for breaking rules when I don't like them. I didn't think..."

"Aye. Me either. But I thought you should know that there was some…talk."

John picked a point on the wall and let himself drift for a moment. It was times like this that he hated the US Military. The only reason he had stayed this long was simple—they let him fly. He was honest enough with himself to admit that at this point he was a career soldier and probably wouldn't be able to do anything else, but that didn't mean he had to agree with everything the politicians handed down. "This is an international expedition. Any idea if it's just the Marines, or is it more widespread than that?"

"Mixed, I think."

"Just aimed at Rodney, or is there anyone else I need to keep an eye on. I know quite a few of the science staff are bi, if not outright gay."

"It's a general rumble as far as I can tell," Carson said after a moment's thought. "But I do think it was triggered by Rodney's…experience. It's just taken this long to surface."

"These things usually do. Keep an ear out. You'll be more likely than me to hear something outright, or at least have someone report it to you. Even if someone does get harassed, odds are good they won't bring it to me for fear I'll take the other side."

"Aye, I will. But I thought you should know."

"I appreciate it. If you get any odd bruises or cuts come in to the infirmary, let me know about those as well. I won't tolerate harassment from my men, no matter what their personal feelings."

"I will. I know the procedure."

John ran a hand across his face. Why was it every time he thought things could only look up, they managed to find a way to get worse? He really didn't need this.

"John?"

He didn't look up, slumped as far down into the chair as he could, and mentally reviewed every conversation and incident he could recall, trying to decide if it was suspect or not with this new information. "Hmm?"

"Get some sleep. You look like you can use it. And besides, you're not going to do anything tonight."

He snorted. "Right. I'm going to sleep. God, I'm exhausted, but I don't think I can sleep. I had a few minor incident reports I had brushed aside. I think I'll go track them down and take another look, see if I missed something."

"Do it in the morning when you're clear-headed."

"The other option is to brood and worry. At least this is productive. I hope its just people being stupid and not something serious. The men here are good guys, and I don't want trouble. Hell, I don't even know what our options are if there is a serious problem. It's not like I can have them transferred to another base. I can't even take them off active duty, since I have no where to send them, and I need every man we can get."

"I know, John."

"And if it gets out that I'm.... I don't know how long we can keep that a secret, Carson. Like you said, it's a closed community. Even if I can get Rodney back, and even if we're careful, it's going to get out. People will guess. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if some people already did guess."

"Be careful. Please."

"I'm not worried about myself. Even homophobic Marines aren't stupid enough to attack the Commanding Officer of the base. Be insolent and skirt the edges of disobedience, sure. But I'm more worried about Rodney's safety."

"Then I guess you'll have to make sure nothing happens. I'm sure Teyla would be more than happy to keep an eye out as well. Even Ford, if you couch it correctly."

"Yeah. I'll ask her next time I see her." John stared into space again. "I was just thinking Ford. He's my XO, and a good kid, a good soldier. He's well-liked, and odds are good he'll hear of anything before I will."

"He might."

John felt his stomach rebel against everything he had put in it this past evening. He hated this. "As if command wasn't difficult enough... All right, I'm going to go back through the reports from the last few months, see if I can find anything. With any luck there's nothing to find, and we just have some quiet rumblings from people who are bored with nothing better to do."

"I hope that's all it is, but if I'm starting to hear it…" Carson's voice trailed off.

"Then it's gone further. I know. But you're also not military, and people like you. They aren't as likely to guard their tongues as they would around me. We might want to think about having Elizabeth give a talk on tolerance and the closed-community, let's all just get along attitude. If it comes from her, and is directed at the entire population, it might be more effective than me warning my men. That could just push it underground, which is when it gets dangerous."

"Maybe you should talk to Elizabeth tomorrow when Rodney's off-world."

John nodded. "I will. Although I think the talk itself needs to be given to everyone, when we don't have any teams off-world. It might scare Rodney off, but as much as it pains me to do it, I have to keep the security of everyone in mind, not just his."

"Aye. But bringing it up to Elizabeth without Rodney present might be a good idea. He doesn't need that worry right now."

"I know. I'll talk to her tomorrow. Is it okay if I mention you and I talked about it already?"

Carson nodded. "Aye, that's fine. I was going to mention it to her soon in any case."

"Good. We might need to have a senior staff meeting before it goes to the full population."

"I was thinking the same thing." Carson took a breath and gave him an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry tae have dumped this on you. I really only wanted to talk to you about Rodney and give you a bit of insight into his state of mind."

John shrugged, but stood up. "I'm the CO of Atlantis' military, I need to know about this more than I need to know about Rodney's state of mind, no matter my personal feelings. I appreciate your telling me. I'll take care of it."

"Aye," Carson said with a frown. "Have a good night, John."

"You too, Carson. Try to get some sleep. You look like you haven't been getting much lately."

"Try keeping up with an astrophysicist who doesn't understand the meaning of the word."

John closed his eyes briefly against the pain that caused. "I know."

"I'm sorry, John. I really am, for both of you."

"It's not your fault, Carson. I appreciate that you're willing to play the go between. Look, try to get some sleep—it definitely helps when dealing with Rodney. And if you can, cut him off the caffeine around 1900. That helps get him to bed at a halfway decent hour."

Carson chuckled. "I'll keep that in mind, but I think he has a secret stash of the stuff somewhere. And John, go slow. I think it'll be worth it."

"There's a panel in the wall behind his desk. Ask Atlantis nicely, and she'll open it for you. Or refuse to open it for him." John paced to the door, mind already moving forward, planning what he needed to say to Elizabeth in the morning.

"Oh for crying…I'll do that."

John stopped and looked back over his shoulder, grinning slightly. "Took me forever to find it. I had to toss his room when he was late in the labs one night."

Carson shook his head. "Once I get my hands on that bloody git…Thank you, John."

"Take care of him for me." John turned and started back out.

"I will. Even if it's just long enough so you can take him in hand. You must have the patience of a saint I believe."

"No. This is killing me, but... I'll see you tomorrow. Don't be surprised if you get called in to Elizabeth's office so we can figure out how we're going to head off any problems before they become serious."

"And I was referring to dealing with Rodney." Carson sighed. "I'll expect the call."

"I know you were. But I can't..." John paused with his hand on the sensor, not opening the door yet. "Just take care of him."

"I'll do my best, but we both know how well he reacts to being mothered."

John gave a quiet huff. "Mothered, no. But he needs someone to take control sometimes. He won't let me, not right now, but that doesn't mean he needs it any less."

"And he's not going to let me. He doesn't see me in that way."

John nodded, understanding. He knew Rodney wouldn't let Carson take control, not like that. And he would probably have to hurt the doctor if he did, and John liked Carson too much to wish that on him. "Just do what you can."

"I will, John. I promise."

John slipped out the door and headed to his room, wishing yet again that he could just go back in time a few days and prevent himself from going to Proculus and causing all this trouble.

***

Rodney McKay stormed through the gate back to Atlantis, Bates and the rest of the team left to trail behind.

What an absolute, complete and utter waste of time.

From everything he'd read in the database and from the little information Teyla knew about the planet, it seemed like a sure thing. There were ruins. An Ancient outpost. Most likely a ZPM.

Not so much.

And Bates…he would never go anywhere with the man ever again.

Elizabeth came down the stairs, smiling. "Rodney, we didn't expect you back so early."

"Well, you have the narrow-minded US military to thank for that. Ask Bates for a mission report, because I have things I need to do in the lab."

She looked surprised at his response and then composed herself. "I take it you weren't able to get anything useful?"

"Does it look like I have a ZPM in my hands? No, nothing useful that I could find in the two rooms Bates allowed me to look in."

She blinked. "You didn't complete a search of the facility? Rodney, I think you need to be present in the debrief. It sounds like there's something I need to know about what is going on here."

"Ask Bates. I have no time for him." Rodney said, already moving toward the transporter.

"Rodney?" She had taken a few steps to follow him, her tone concerned. "What happened out there?"

"Ask Bates."

She opened her mouth to say something else, but he had reached the transporter, and let the door close behind him.

Unclipping his vest as he stepped out of the transporter, Rodney took a deep breath, but it didn't help his annoyance or anger. He managed to make it into the labs—pulling his off-world equipment off as he walked—without running into anyone.

When he got there, a familiar head of dark, messy hair greeted him. John's eyes were closed and he was obviously focusing on a small device in his hand, while Radek looked on. "You are not concentrating, Major. We do not want to turn it on, we merely want to know what it does."

Part of him was glad to see him—someone he could bitch too without having to worry—but another part of him was surprised. They hadn't really been talking to each other and Sheppard had been avoiding the labs.

Last night's movie night had been nice, though, Rodney thought, vaguely remembering that John and Carson had walked him back to his quarters. He'd been so exhausted, dead on his feet really.

But instead of saying something…nice, he settled for his usual question—albeit a little harsher than normal. "What are you doing here?"

John's eyes flew open, and the device he was holding suddenly flared to life. "Rodney!" He looked down at the rapidly blinking thing in his hand. "Oh shit! Off! Offoffoff!" He dropped it and it immediately went dark. "I know what it does now, Radek."

"And that is?" Rodney asked, his eyebrow rising.

John gave him a sheepish look. "Grenade. Very cool for field use, but not exactly something I want to set off here in the labs."

"No, although you'd fit in with the rest of the idiotic scientists I have working in his department," Rodney grumbled, moving to drop his equipment—computers, pack, side-arm, knife—in a pile on the nearby table before moving toward his workstation.

"What are you doing back so early? I thought the science mission was supposed to be an overnight?" John had stood and followed him, although he was keeping his distance.

"So did I," Rodney muttered, shaking his head as his email client loaded the messages waiting on the server for him. Two-hundred emails in less than eight hours. His department needed to work more and send less mail.

"I'll, ah, let you catch up then. Zelenka has a few more gadgets for me to try and turn on. Today I'm playing the role of Major Lightswitch Sheppard." He shifted and started to turn back to Radek's station.

"Good. He's been begging me to help him."

He heard John sit back down on the stool he had been on before, the one that squeaked slightly every time the sitter moved. "All right, Radek, what's next?"

The murmured conversation between John and Radek provided a steady and comforting background noise as he worked his way through several reports and emails, finally ending up back in the Ancient mainframe, pouring through the notes the Ancients had made on the planets and outposts in Pegasus.

At the sound of someone clearing their throat, he looked up, ready to berate whatever minion had dared disturb him, only to find John leaning against the far corner of the table. "Hey. I'm done here for now and headed over to grab a late lunch. Want anything?"

"Lunch? It's only lunchtime?"

"Actually, lunch was a little while ago, but I missed it. I don't feel like waiting for dinner. Why, didn't you eat?"

"Have I left this room since I arrived?" Rodney snapped, turning back to the screen. "Do you think food magically appeared on my worktable just because it was lunchtime? And who exactly decided the hours of lunch? Can you tell me that?"

A PowerBar was pushed over to him. "That's the best I can do right now. I'm going to make myself a sandwich—want me to swing back by with one for you?"

Rodney looked up, feeling his eyes widening in surprise at the gesture. "I…yeah. That would be great. If it's not too much trouble. I know you're a busy man and you have lots of stuff to do—"

"Rodney." John smiled a bit shyly. "It's not a problem. Give me about twenty minutes. Almost-turkey sound okay?"

"Uh…yeah, fine. Thanks."

John nodded and let Rodney go back to his work. It didn't seem like it had been long before McKay looked up to find a sandwich next to his elbow. Glancing around, he didn't see John, but the gear he had dropped earlier was missing as well.

Huh.

Eating the sandwich as he worked, he sipped at the bottle of water John had left behind, finding himself glancing up every now and then as if he were looking for something or someone. Radek was working steadily, the clicking of the computer keys giving him just enough background noise so he could focus.

An email popped up in his inbox from Elizabeth. Opening it, he saw she had called a senior staff meeting for first thing the following morning. Carson and John had both been CC'd on the message.

Lovely.

"Radek, do you know anything about this meeting?"

The Czech didn't even look up. "What meeting?"

"Did something happen when I was off-world? Elizabeth called a meeting for senior staff tomorrow. You usually know the scuttlebutt."

Radek looked up and rolled his eyes. "I am not senior staff, so no, I do not know about your meeting."

"But you hear things."

"If you wish to know about the meeting, why don't you ask whomever called it?"

"Because Elizabeth won't say anything until the actual meeting." Rodney saved what he was working on and turned to the Czech. "You obviously know something."

He got a few muttered curses shot in his direction. "I know that Major Sheppard spent this morning with Doctor Weir in her office. About what, I do not know."

"Sheppard did."

"Did what?"

"It was Sheppard who called the meeting? Then why did Elizabeth send the message?"

Radek rolled his eyes again. "And you wonder why productivity is falling. Why don't you call Major Sheppard if you wish know what is going on?"

Rodney crossed his arms over his chest as he leaned against the worktable, scowling at the Czech. "I don't want to call Major Sheppard. I'm talking to you and you obviously know something. Spill."

Radek's gaze fell back on the screen. "I know nothing more than I have told you. Now hush and let me work."

Moving a few steps closer, Rodney hovered over the other man. "What do you know?"

"I know that I must finish these equations or my horrible, terrible, no-good, very bad boss will yell. Loudly."

"If you don't tell me what you know now, horrible, terrible no-good, very bad boss will yell loudly a lot sooner."

Radek muttered a few more of what Rodney had started to recognize as his more colorful curses. "Why do you not go bother the soldier who you are convinced has called this meeting. Or, better yet, simply wait until tomorrow and attend the actual meeting?"

"Oh, I'll be attending the meeting, but I dislike going in when I don't know what it's about. And when I know that you know, it makes me testy."

"You are always testy. How is this any different?"

Rodney scowled and leaned forward, shutting the lid of the laptop, Radek getting his fingers out of the way—just. "What do you know?"

"You are an irritating man, you know this, yes?"

"Yes."

"Fine." Radek shook his head, caving. "I have heard—rumors mind you, not facts, which is why I did not wish to share them—that there have been...grumblings...about those on the science staff who enjoy partnering members of the same sex. There are several relationships of that nature going on, and although quiet, it seems someone has guessed something. My sources tell me Major Sheppard approached Doctor Weir with the news after being told by Doctor Beckett, and that a city-wide warning on tolerance is probably in the works. But that is all I know, and I have not been able to confirm anything."

"What!" Rodney knew his eyes were wide as he stared at the Czech, the information not anything that he'd been expecting.

"I could be wrong. As I stress again, these are merely rumors. I, myself, have heard no such whispers. But then, I am friends with many, including those whose orientation is problematic for the American military, so it is not likely anyone would say anything to me directly."

"Radek," Rodney growled, his eyes narrowing. "Out with it already. We're the only ones here."

"Out with what? I have told you what I have heard. It is...encouraging...that it was Major Sheppard who is pressing the issue of tolerance, if that is indeed the case. There are some who are unsure as to what his reactions would be should an incident occur. He does not seem the, ah, type, to side with small-minded idiots, no?"

"No, no he doesn't." Rodney said, his arms crossed over his chest once again. "What other…rumors have you heard? And when did these rumors begin?"

Radek looked at him carefully. "The rumors of mean-spirited whispering have only cropped up recently. It is a small community, so I have to think if it had been happening earlier, I would have known."

"I thought this was an open-minded international expedition."

Radek shrugged. "I was not involved in the selection of personnel, but if someone like Kavenaugh could get through the screening, it stands to reason there are others with small brains and large egos here. They have just been, perhaps, better at hiding it."

"And you don't have a problem with…what they're saying."

Radek gave him another careful look. "Are you inquiring as to whether I have a problem with the rumors, or with the activities the rumors are about?"

Rodney shrugged. "Either. Both. Take your pick."

"The whispers I detest. There is no room for bigotry in any community, especially when we must all rely on one another to survive. As for enjoying the intimate company of members of the same sex, it does not bother me, although I am not of that persuasion myself. Whom someone chooses to love and be loved by does not effect the job someone does, or how well they complete it."

"Thank you," Rodney said after a minute when his heart stopped thudding in his chest.

"Do you wish to talk about it?" Radek's pointed look let Rodney know they weren't talking about the rumors any more.

"Talk about what? People and their simple minds don't interest me."

"For several months you have been…happier…than I had ever seen you. Then the worthless Ancient took control of the Major, making him act out of character. Just after you talked to him following that incident, I was forced to bring him to the infirmary in shock and unresponsive. I do not think he even realized where he was or that I was there. And now you are very much unhappy again, and have not spoken more than a few words with him since. I am not stupid, Rodney. If you choose not to share with me, that is fine and I will respect your privacy, but do not attempt to lie. You are very bad at it."

"How…what?" Rodney couldn't keep the shock off his face.

Radek shrugged. "I do not think anyone else has guessed, but I am closer to you than anyone else on staff. We are friends as well as colleagues, yes? I will not share my observations with anyone else, but I thought you should know what I have guessed."

"You…I…would appreciate it."

Radek put a hand on Rodney's shoulder. "You have nothing to thank me for. It is common decency. But my original offer still stands—should you wish to talk with someone, I am willing to listen."

"It doesn't matter. Things are finished."

"It does matter, since you are both very unhappy. But if you do not wish to share, that is fine as well. Should you change your mind, you know where to find me."

"Yes, yes. Like a bad penny you keep showing up."

"It is my job to poke and prod you. Otherwise you would grow complacent and chubby."

"No. It's the job of the Wraith and every other alien species out there that wants to take a chunk out of my hide that's doing that," Rodney said, moving back toward his station, his mind twirling and spinning, stuck in the rut of "simpleton minds" and "Radek knows".

"Ah, that is physical fitness, of which I want no part. However, yelling burns many calories, does it not? I am irritatingly correct and quick to point out your mistakes, you yell, we are all healthy. It is the Circle of Life."

Rodney snorted, moving the mouse to turn off the screen saver that had popped up. It was several minutes later before he spoke again. "How long?"

"Hmm?" Radek had opened his own computer back up and was absorbed in the screen again.

"How long have you known?"

Radek looked up again, his eyes kind. "I did not put two and two together until the other night, when I found the Major so…upset. Then I put a few things together and came up with a complete picture. I knew you were close friends, but I did not guess more until then."

"Good, good," Rodney nodded, turning back to his computer, his mind cheering about the fact that they'd been discreet. At least he could give the Major that.

"He watches you, when he knows you are not paying attention. I do not know what has happened between you, but once I knew what to watch for, it became obvious his affections have not changed."

"Things change," Rodney said tightly.

Radek sighed. "As you wish. I just thought you should know that he watches, and, when he does not realize anyone is watching him, there is pain in his eyes, and something else. Want, perhaps, or longing."

"Why does he do that to himself?" the question aimed more at himself than Radek.

"Do what?"

"Dwell. Linger." Rodney shrugged.

"I cannot answer that. It is obvious he stills seeks to enjoy your company, in whatever capacity you are willing to give it, however." Radek gestured to the empty plate next to Rodney's computer.

"You think I’m wrong for….you know?"

"Since you have not told me why you broke it off with him—and considering his reactions I am assuming it was you who ended it—I cannot say one way or another. I am merely observing that he is trying hard to regain your friendship and trust, whatever he did to lose them in the first place."

"Glowy sex with an alien certain puts a damper on any relationship," Rodney muttered, his eyes on his screen, but not seeing anything.

Radek was quiet for a moment. "For what it is worth, I have heard…rumors I suppose…of conversations where he has expressed that he felt very much used and abused by said priestess. Doctor Beckett could give you far more information on that, I would imagine. I cannot speak to what the Major has done, but I do believe he regrets it and is angry at himself for allowing it to happen."

"But it happened. He didn't listen. He didn't trust me."

"Did he have a choice? Was he allowed to listen? From what I have heard—not so much. That does not negate what he did, merely puts it in context. The rape victim may be despoiled, but do you blame them for the assault? It is not a perfect analogy, but, I would guess, closer to the truth than he would prefer. Assuming my observations are correct, of course."

"No, of course not," Rodney replied immediately, thinking about himself and Brendal and what had happened. "But he wasn't listening from the beginning."

"Ah, but when did the beginning begin? When did he begin acting out of character? Was it when you all arrived back on Atlantis, or before that, after you first met the glowy…I believe the term is bitch, yes? While her hold might have increased later, it would be foolish to assume she did not begin her assault as soon as she discerned that Major Sheppard had the gene."

What if Radek was right? What if John had been infected from the very beginning, from the time they'd set down on the planet surface? No, that couldn't be the case. Couldn't be. That would mean that he'd been premature, that he'd reacted badly…very badly to a situation that John had had no control over—just like him and Brendal. No. John was wrong. He'd kissed her. Spent the night. Refused to listen. Had glowy "sharing" sex.

"I…I don't want to talk about it. It's over. We're over."

Radek shrugged. "I am a scientist. It is my job to collect information and separate facts and solutions from the erroneous. I am merely sharing what I have seen and what I have taken from it. What you choose to believe or do with my assumptions is up to you."

It took another five minutes before Rodney finally slammed his laptop shut. "He was wrong."

Radek look back up, his expression unreadable. "Wrong to not realize he was being manipulated earlier? Or wrong to be manipulated at all?"

"I had no choice," Rodney said, not really listening to the other man, his own uncertainties and memories screaming in his ear.

"I do not believe he did, either."

"This is not about him."

"No, in that we are in agreement. This is about you, and what you choose to believe, and further, how you choose to act on that belief."

"I acted already. It's done. Over." Rodney's eyes widened, his breath catching in his throat. "We're over," he continued the last two words a strangled whisper.

Radek's eyes softened. "If that were true, the Major would not be working so hard to reach you again. I do not know if you can forgive him for what he has done, but you do not have to lose him, not if you do not wish to."

"It's too late…too late," Rodney whispered.

"It is never too late. As I said before, he watches you, wants you. He will accept whatever you choose to give him, be it friendship...or more."

"I…" McKay said, everything that had happened finally hitting with a certain finality. He'd done this. It had been his choice, his decision. He'd run. Radek was wrong. John couldn't want him, not now, not after this. He felt his face paling, the blood pulling away. "I…need to…"

Radek was suddenly standing next to him, easing him onto a nearby stool. "You need to sit and listen to me. You are very bad at reading people, but that is okay, I am very good at it. He brought you a sandwich. He took your gear and put it all away for you. After you arrived today, he was useless to me because all his attention was focused on what you were doing. If you cannot accept him back as a lover, I would highly suggest you consider him as a friend. You are good for one another in many ways I would not have guessed without seeing for myself."

"I…no," Rodney began, shaking his head. "No, you don't understand. He can't trust me—not after this. And if there's no trust, there's no…nothing."

Radek shook him slightly. "Gah, you truly are clueless sometimes. Stop reacting and use the large and impressive brain you were gifted with. If he were upset, would he be trying this hard? Instead of jumping to conclusions—which, I might add, have done you no good whatsoever thus far—think like a scientist and do your own observing, this time without the self-recriminations and pity."

Glancing up, Rodney could see the truth in Radek's eyes and the determination to set him straight, but in the face of what he'd done… "I screwed up, didn't I?"

"Only you can make that determination. But it is nothing that cannot be fixed if you will only stop to think instead of jumping off cliffs without a thought to what is waiting at the bottom."

"I…" Rodney started, raising a shaking hand to his head, realizing he was feeling a little lightheaded, a little out-of-sorts.

"Rodney? You do not look so hot. Should I call Doctor Beckett?"

"I…I don't feel right."

"Since you just ate not too long ago, and we both know the Major would not have given you anything you were allergic to..." Radek reached up to tap his radio. "Zelenka to Doctor Beckett. Rodney is behaving oddly and not feeling well. I am bringing him to you."

"I'll be fine," Rodney said, trying to stop Radek from calling, his hand reaching out, but managing to miss Zelenka's arm entirely.

Radek pulled him to his feet—the wiry Czech was stronger than he looked—and began to gently haul him towards the transporter. "Yes, you will be fine once Doctor Beckett has looked you over."

"Nononono. I’m fine," Rodney said, stumbling as the floor tilted suddenly to the side.

"You are not fine." Radek had him in the transporter, and then they were in the hall to the infirmary. Zelenka called out, and two nurses appeared, each one taking an arm and getting Rodney in the doors and up on a bed. Radek was trailing along behind looking worried.

The next few minutes were a blur as they took readings, frowning at what they found, making him lie down, the room spinning as he moved. He heard Carson a few moments later, but his eyes were too heavy to open, even though the Scot wanted him to, ordered him to.

"Rodney! I need you to open your eyes for me lad, just a moment, and then I'll give you something and let you sleep. I need to see your eyes, see if it's the same as the others."

"No," Rodney protested, even as Carson managed to get the lids apart, shining a bright light into each of his eyes.

"Aye, exactly the same. Pupils blown, not really tracking." Carson was talking off to Rodney's right, and he heard a female voice murmur something in response. "Aye, luv, it took a little longer, and he doesn't seem as bad as the others. Fever's not as high, and he doesn't appear to have the shakes like they do. Rodney, you've caught the same thing as the others on that science mission. Appears to be a bit of a virus, so go ahead and try to sleep if you can, and I'll fix you up, right as rain in no time."

"No…I’m fine. I need to go back to the labs…need to talk to John."

"What you need to do is rest and get better. John will be down here as soon as he hears you fell ill, of that I have no doubt, so you can chat with him when you wake up."

"Stupid…should have listened…"

There was a cool hand on his forehead. "Just rest my friend. John will be waiting for you when you wake up."

"…never listens…"

He didn’t think Beckett had heard him, as there was no response. However, a few minutes later another voice drifted in. Sheppard. “Carson? I heard he collapsed. What the hell is going on? Everyone on that mission has fallen ill."

“Seems they picked something up while they were off-world. The first case came in a few hours ago, so we’ve had time to analyze the samples. It’s nothing serious. They’ll all be back on their feet in no time.” Both men had dropped into whispers, but they hadn’t moved away from the bed. From the sound of it, they thought he had fallen asleep.

Fingers curled around his ankle for a brief moment. “God, Carson, he looks so worn out. I thought you said you were keeping an eye on him for me!”

"He never came down for his post-mission. This is the first time I've seen him all day because I've been busy dealing with the rest of the team," Carson said, growling his response.

John made a frustrated noise. The fingers returned to his ankle, this time staying there. "I know. Sorry. I just... I saw him a few hours ago and he looked tired, but not this bad. I made him a sandwich."

"Good. I don't need the complication low blood sugar brings on. What was he thinking? He knows better than to ignore procedure—and he's usually so good about this one, paranoid that he picked up something off-world. And now, the one time he actually does, he doesn't show up." Carson sounded angry and frustrated.

"I sat in on the debrief. Reading between the lines, I'd guess Bates is one of the ones we were worried about. Sounds like he gave Rodney a hard time. Unfortunately, unless Rodney actually gives me hard proof, I can't do anything except keep an eye out." John's—and he could tell it was Sheppard from the gun callous—thumb began to make absent strokes against his skin. "How long until he's up and about again? Any ideas how fast this thing will move through them?"

"I'm hoping that since it took this long to show up, he has a mild case. Bates and the rest of the team will be here for a day or so. This virus messes with their inner ear. Makes them a little dizzy and lightheaded, among other things," Carson said with a sigh. But Rodney was still concentrating on the feel of John's hand on his ankle, his bare ankle. When had he lost his boots?

"I want to stay here with him..." John paused, then sighed. "Yes, I know, you can stop giving me the evil eye. I'm trying to give him space, damnit. But how am I supposed to do that when I hear he nearly collapsed in the lab?"

"Radek's keeping an eye out, too, John," Carson said, his voice quiet.

John's hand stilled, although it didn't leave his ankle. "He... I should have known he would guess. Wiley bastard is too observant and has too many secret sources for his own good. Has he said anything to you?"

"Other than what he's heard, no."

"At least he'll stand up to Rodney. My geek needs all the bullying he can get until he comes to his senses and lets me back in. He's not getting enough sleep."

"No, he's not. But that's not going to change anytime soon, I imagine," Carson said with a sigh and Rodney heard the squeak of rubber against the floor as Beckett moved. "That's…"

"Professional and friendly, I remember." John sighed, and gave Rodney's skin a last caress before the warmth disappeared. "That doesn't mean I can't worry about him, or do what I can to help. Mind if I stick around for a bit while you check on the other patients?"

"That's fine," Carson said, his voice distracted. "This reading though…" Rodney felt a hand on his arm. "Rodney, are you awake, lad?"

McKay didn't answer, couldn't answer, the effort too much.

"He doesn't look awake. He hasn't responded at all since I got here." The hand on his other arm was familiar. "Carson, I think your nurse is trying to get your attention."

"One second, Suzanne," Carson said, obviously looking at something, his voice distracted. "The readings are wrong if he's sleeping. It's like he's caught between. I need to put him on another monitor. I'll be right back."

"I'll wait here with him." Rodney heard Carson move away, although the heat on his arm didn't disappear. He felt warm breath against his ear, as John presumably leaned in. "Get better soon, okay? I can't very well win you back if you're lying here doped up on Beckett's drugs." He felt John move away as other people moved in, attaching things to him.

He didn't feel John's presence after a while. Instead he heard Carson's soft brogue as he talked with the nurse, mentioning something about a waking sleep and some other medical things.

Eventually, though, the darkness he'd been keeping at bay finally won, sliding over him and he slept.

***

John sat back from his computer and rolled his shoulders, tense. It had been a hell of a week. Rodney had been the last to fall sick, but the first to recover from what was becoming know as the Rubber Duck Flu—and John had no idea where the name had come from. Beckett had just shrugged and said something about one of the Marines ranting about duckies at the height of his fever.

Pegasus Galaxy was just fucking weird sometimes.

At least some things were going well, however. Elizabeth had given the tolerance talk to the city, and things seemed to have settled down some—although he knew they wouldn’t really know for sure for a while yet, probably.

 

And best of all, Rodney wasn’t avoiding him anymore. He had come to Movie Night again, this time without prodding. And he had accepted John’s tentative overtures for a few lunches, and even dinner one night when they had both wandered in late.

It was hard not to touch, not to deepen their encounters, but he was proud of himself for his restraint. Instead he had focused his energy on courting his oblivious geek. Cups of the good coffee left at his workstation. Helping out around the lab whenever he could. Slipping sandwiches and other meals to him when he wasn’t paying attention to the time. He had gotten a few head shakes and amused looks from Radek, but he could deal with that.

 

John slipped out of his chair and onto the floor, running through a few stretches to work out some of the kinks. He looked up when someone cleared their throat.

"John?" Elizabeth's voice was tight.

"Down here. Working out a few tight muscles." He pushed himself up, seeing her face for the first time. He immediately tensed up again. "What happened?"

"It's Hasting's team. They're late, very late."

John felt the world snap to attention, like it always did when he people were in trouble. "What do we know about the world they were on? I'll put a team together, and I'll need a full briefing in fifteen minutes."

"It was supposed to be safe. Teyla recommended it as a possible trading partner," Weir said, her voice tired, weary. "They're three hours overdue."

"I'll call my team now. I want to be through the Gate in thirty minutes, tops, if they still haven't checked in."

Weir nodded. "I'll get you what you need."

John nodded, and started for the armory, tapping his radio to the team channel as did. "Ford, Teyla, McKay, this is Sheppard. We have a team overdue and in possible need of rescue. I need you in the briefing room in fifteen for an overview, and then we're going after them."

He got immediate replies from Ford and Teyla, both saying they'd meet him in the briefing room. McKay, though, didn't reply.

John sighed, reaching the room and starting to gear up. "McKay, please respond with an affirmative or negative."

"Major?" Radek replied a moment later.

"Zelenka, what are you doing on my team channel?" John stopped, sudden visions of lab accidents and injured people flashing through his head. "What happened to McKay?"

"He is in the middle of calibrating something sensitive and asked me to reply." Radek paused and John could hear the amusement in his voice. "He…claims screaming at him does not make him work faster or better and that it could result in substantial errors and loss of life. What can I do for you, Major?"

"Let him know there's a situation off-world—team missed a check-in—and our team is going in to check it out. I'll just take Ford and Teyla if he can't be pulled away. The planet was supposed to be friendly." John had quickly finished getting ready as he talked, and was headed to the briefing room.

"One moment," Radek said, slipping off the channel only to come back a few seconds later. "He regretfully informs you that he will be unable to attend," he said—as Rodney yelled something in the background.

John let himself grin. "Sounds good. Tell him I said thanks for the RSVP, and not to blow anything up while I'm gone."

"I will not let him," Radek said firmly and this time John knew there was a full grin in place. "Zelenka out."

John grinned again, and met his team in the conference room, letting them know McKay wasn’t going to join them since he was in the middle of something delicate.

They were wary but not too concerned when they stepped through the Gate, but all that changed fairly quickly, and the next few hours passed in a blur.

The planet had been culled.

Scouting had turned up several Wraith dead from gunshot wounds, but apparently the team had been overwhelmed. All four missing men were found—dried husks twisted and left behind.

 

He pulled the dog tags off all four, and he, Ford and Teyla confirmed there were no survivors.

Not one.

The debrief back on Atlantis was mercifully brief, as was the post-mission check. Carson didn’t keep him, although he did take a long, hard look at John and press a bottle of Athosian hooch on him.

He had downed about half the bottle by the time midnight rolled around, but it wasn’t helping. He found himself wandering the quiet halls of Atlantis, and was a bit surprised to find himself in the labs, a lone figure still at work. “Hey, Rodney.”

The scientist looked up, eyes bloodshot and taking a moment to focus on something other than his computer screen. "Sheppard? What…you look horrible."

John held up the bottle. "I'm drunk." He frowned at it. "At least I think I am. I can still think, so obviously I'm not doing a very good job of it."

Rodney moved closer. Grabbing the bottle from John's hands, he smelled it, an eyebrow rising. "This isn't Radek's rotgut. Where did you get it from?"

"Carson. It's from the mainland. He keeps a stash of it. Said I looked like I needed it. Gimme." John tried to grab at the bottle, but found himself overbalancing.

Rodney's hand was on his shoulder, straightening him out. "And yes, you are drunk. You really should be in bed." He paused, looking him over carefully. "Do I want to know why you're drinking this?"

John leaned into him, closing his eyes and just breathing in Rodney-smell. It took him a minute to remember the question. "They were dead. Drained. Culled. No survivors. Can I have my bottle back?"

"What?" Rodney asked, his voice tight, nervous. "And no. I think you've had enough."

John put his head on Rodney's shoulder. Part of him said he wasn't supposed to do that any more, but that little voice was drowning at the moment. "I found them. All dead. Four more letters to write. Four more men I lost. I'm not drunk enough to forget yet. Please?"

"I think you need to go to bed and sleep this off," Rodney finally said, his voice higher than normal and still refusing to give him back the bottle.

"Don't want to go to sleep." John tilted his head and opened his eyes to look at Rodney. "Get drunk with me?"

"That might not—"

"Please? Don't want to sit by myself in my room. I'll behave. Won't even try to kiss you if you don't want me to. I just don't wanna be alone."

Rodney sighed. "Fine, but you're not getting any more booze."

"Awwww. Come on, Rodney. I'm only tispy. I could be passed out cold on the rest of it. You said you wanted me to sleep..." John let himself be tugged down the hall.

"Trust me. You're plenty drunk, you just don't know it yet."

"I'm tipsy. I could be a lot drunker. More drunk? Drunken? Anyway, I would be singing if I was really that far gone. I always sing when I'm drunk."

"So you say," Rodney said, steering John into his room and depositing him on his bed.

John sprawled out and watched Rodney putter. As soon as the scientist's attention was focused on getting Sheppard's shoes off—leaving the bottle on the desk—John moved, stumbling off the bed and managing to snag it, taking a long swig before Rodney could get it away from him. "Hey, I wasn't done with that."

"Yes, you were," Rodney replied, taking a long pull of the bottle himself, before putting it on the desk and moving John back to the bed.

"See! We can get drunk together. I probably have another bottle around here somewhere." This time John didn't move while Rodney got his other shoe off, and then his jacket. When the scientist was starting to pull away, though, he reached up, running a hand through his hair. "Miss you."

"I've noticed," Rodney said, pausing, his eyes having a hard time meeting John's.

John sighed and let his hand fall away. "I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry I wasn't there today," Rodney said instead, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Glad you weren't. You would have been sad. I don't like it when you're sad." He knew his vocabulary had deserted him somewhere along the way, but he hoped he was getting the point across.

"I hadn't meant to be busy, but I was in the middle of repairs on a system. It would have taken Radek most of the day to finish it—"

"Rodney. S'ok. Really." John pushed himself up, swaying as the room continued to move long after he thought it should stop. "You had to fix the thingy. And I had to go find my guys. They were dead. Drained and left like old garbage." And wasn't that a lovely thought. He barely managed to get off the bed and snag the trashcan before he lost everything in his stomach.

Rodney stayed with him, rubbing his back as he heaved until there was nothing left, then helping him to the bathroom so he could rinse his mouth and brush his teeth. Feeling spent, John finally ended up back in bed, propped up against several pillows, Rodney sitting on the edge of the bed once again.

"And just to say once again—you were plenty drunk."

"Not any more. I think I puked it all up. Damn, what a waste of a good solution." He let his head fall back and closed his eyes, aching to curl into Rodney, but, considering the earlier reaction, knowing it wouldn't be welcome.

"Not really a good solution if you end up barfing your boots up," Rodney said with a sigh. "Let me get you two aspirin. You're going to need them."

"Stay with me?" At Rodney's widening eyes, John quickly grabbed a pillow and rolled himself back onto the floor. "You can have the bed. I'll stay down here. Nice and cozy. No molesting, nope, not here."

"Sheppard, no. You need to sleep in your own bed," Rodney said, kneeling down, trying to get John back on the bed.

"You won't stay with me if I do. Floor is bad for your back."

"I have to finish something up in the labs."

"It's late." John didn't actually mean to tug Rodney down on top of him. He had somehow managed to get a hand tangled in the blue science shirt, and in the ensuing struggle over whether or not John got in bed, Rodney was suddenly there, blessed heat and pressure and friction in all the right places. He couldn't help the groan as he collapsed back down to the floor. "Rodney..."

"Oh, god, I’m sorry. I didn't mean to—"

He tightened his grip, unable to stop himself from arching up a bit into Rodney's body. He didn't know where he got the self-control to let go, let his hands fall to his sides. Probably the alcohol still in his system. "God, I miss you, want you."

"God…John…" Rodney whispered. "I'm sorry," he said, trying with some difficulty to get his hands under him to push himself upright once again.

John started to reach, but once more let his hands fall to his sides, body drumming with the need to move, to pin Rodney down and taste him, claim him. The last mark he had made on that beautiful body would have faded a long time ago, and knowing his lover was walking around without that sign of ownership was nearly driving him mad. "Rodney... Please... God, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. So sorry..."

Rodney shifted in his effort to right himself and John could feel his erection—not completely hard, but obviously there. "I…"

John pushed up in to it, letting Rodney feel just how much he wanted him. "Tell me what I can do to get you back. Tell me what it will take. Please."

"I don't know," Rodney stuttered, not quite able to cover the moan as John thrust upward, loving the feel of McKay even through the multiple layers of clothes.

"I want you. Never stopped wanting you. Need you."

"John…I…" Rodney began again, the words sticking in his throat, the scientist unable to finish even the simplest sentence. And John was doing that to him.

He fought his instinct to roll them, knowing Rodney would probably run if he did. Instead he reached up, running his thumb across Rodney's jaw and into his hair.

"God," Rodney whispered, his body trembling as his eyes closed.

John pulled him down slowly, brushing his lips tentatively across the crooked mouth he wanted to plunder. He had missed this, missed the feel, the taste of Rodney.

McKay moaned, his breath ghosting over John's lips.

John pressed another kiss into his lips, harder this time, tracing the tip of his tongue along the seam.

Rodney's mouth parted and he was suddenly kissing John back.

John opened up, moaning at how good it was. He felt like an addict getting a hit after going far too long without. He licked his way inside, his other hand moving to Rodney's waist, pulling him closer.

One of McKay's hands was in his hair, the other still holding him up so he wasn't crushing John. He moaned and trembled as John continued to kiss him, loving the way Rodney opened up for him.

He lost himself in Rodney, only vaguely aware at some point of giving in and rolling them, pressing his body down, and pushing deeper into Rodney's mouth. One hand found the hem of McKay's shirt and he worked his way under it, finding a nipple and rolling it gently.

A moan turned to a squawk and John suddenly found himself sprawled on his back, a panting, wide-eyed Rodney staring at him.

He fought through the haze of need, tried to focus. "Rodney?"

"No. I…I need to go. I’m sorry," Rodney said, scrambling to his feet, nearly at a run, barely clearing the opening doors as he rushed through.

"Wait! Rodney..." John managed to get up on his knees, staring at the closed door. "Oh, fuck..."

He pushed up, intending to go after him—this time he wasn’t letting go, damnit!—but as soon as he was vertical, the room started to spin again, and John found himself sprawled halfway on the bed, barely managing to not brain himself on the footboard.

He wasn’t going anywhere tonight.

“Rodney…” His lover’s name was on his lips as stress, alcohol and frustration finally gave way to exhaustion and he fell into a troubled sleep.

***

Rodney ran.

Even with all that he'd overheard and seen over the past few days and the conversations he'd had with Radek, Carson, and Teyla, it still didn't mean he was ready for the reality of the situation.

John wanted him—desperately—even after everything that had happened. And Rodney had responded, his body warming immediately to the sensations, the feelings of his lover—former, ex…however you phrased it.

But Sheppard was drunk—very drunk—Rodney's mind kept telling him as he strode through the hallways of Atlantis, no specific destination in mind, just the need to get away from John. It hadn't been real, couldn't be real. It was just a drunken mistake that John would hopefully forget about in the morning. An indiscretion that John would file in the "shouldn't have done that" pile.

Finally looking up, he found himself in the far section of the city—with no clear recollection of how he got there—outside a room he and John had spent a great deal of time in. Waving his hand in front of the door, he entered, mentally telling the lights to remain low. He stumbled to the bed and crawled under the covers, only pausing long enough to remove his boots.

Falling into a fitful sleep, he dreamed. Dreamed of times and places he'd thought were long repressed, of lovers and heartache and pain.

He woke to the sound of someone's voice in his ear, talking urgently, sounding worried.

Opening an eye, he noticed it was bright in the room—very bright—the sun already cresting toward its zenith.

Crap. He was very, very late.

His radio beeped again. "Rodney, please respond. God, please, tell me where you are and what's wrong." John's voice cracked slightly on the last word.

Rodney switched off of the team channel, putting it on the general Atlantis channel—something he should have done last night if he'd been thinking straight. Taking a breath, he shifted on the bed, turning onto his side and pulling his knees up toward his chest.

What a mess.

His radio crackled again, this time a general announcement from Elizabeth. "Doctor McKay, if you can hear this message, please respond. If anyone has seen or knows the whereabouts of Doctor McKay, please contact myself, Major Sheppard, or Doctor Beckett."

Great. Just great.

Switching over to a private channel, he paged Elizabeth.

"Rodney! Oh, thank God. We've been trying to find you for several hours now. Where are you and what happened?" He heard the relief in her voice.

"Call off the dogs. I'm fine. I overslept."

"Where are you? We checked your quarters but you weren't there."

"Obviously," he said sarcastically as he levered himself upright. "I'll be in the labs within the hour. I'll call Radek once I get off with you."

"No. I don't know what's going on, but I want you to report to the infirmary for a check. We still aren't sure what lingering effects that virus may have had, and this isn't like you."

"I'm fine. I was up late working and I overslept. It won't happen again."

"That wasn't a request, Rodney. Report to the infirmary. When and if Carson clears you, you can return to the labs."

Rodney dropped his head and sighed. "This is unnecessary, but fine. If you insist."

"I do insist. It's good to hear you're okay though. We were beginning to panic. I'll be down to check on you once Carson has had a chance to look you over. Weir out."

McKay sighed and rubbed a hand over his face as his other hand dug into his jacket pocket, pulling out a mangled PowerBar. Ripping open the wrapper, he ate it in three bites, wishing he had some water, but knowing he could probably snag a bottle on the way to the infirmary.

Switching his radio back over to the main Atlantis channel, he rose slowly, stretching the muscles in his back. He straightened out the bedclothes and made a note to come back later and change the sheets. It was the least he could do for using the room.

Moving through the halls, he ignored everyone, stopping briefly in the mess to grab the water he'd wanted, drinking it on the way to the infirmary. He really wanted to stop at his room and shower and change, but taking too much longer wouldn't be a good thing.

He turned into the infirmary a few minutes later only to be welcomed by a glaring Carson.

"Look. I'm here and I’m fine. Can I leave now?"

"Come with me." Carson led him back to one of the semi-private areas. He pointed to a bed, and began to pull out a needle.

"God, Carson! What's that for? I told you I was fine," Rodney said as he stood at the end of the bed, his eyes on the skewer in Beckett's hands.

"Sit. I am going to take some blood and run a few tests. You look like hell warmed over, and I'm not taking any chances." Carson glared until he hopped up on the bed and held out his arm.

"I overslept. What's the big deal?"

Carson talked as he worked. "First, you didn't sleep in your room, which, given your loud and frequent rants about the mattresses in Atlantis, is highly unusual. Second, you did'na return any pages or announcements for several hours. Third, I don't know how you did it, but no one could get your life sign to come up on the equipment, leaving us to think you might be dead somewhere." The needle was jabbed particularly hard here. "Fourth, John came in looking like hell himself this morning saying he is no longer allowed to drink alcohol unsupervised since he made a pass at you and you fled practically screaming from the room. Fifth, you look like shit, and I have no doubt it's been quite some time since you last had a decent meal. That enough reasons or should I keep going?"

"Ow. That hurt and I'm fine."

Carson jammed a thermometer in his mouth. When Rodney started to protest he got another glare. "I'm doing you the courtesy of using the oral method. If you object, you can bend over and I'll break out the other options."

Rodney scowled around the thermometer, but let Carson work, taking his readings and scribbling in his chart. It was several minutes later before the doctor finally glanced up, pinning him with a look.

"All right, you and I are going to go to my office, where I have breakfast waiting. You aren't leaving until you've eaten every last scrap. If you want to talk while you eat, I'm willing to listen, but at the very least I am making sure you get a decent meal in you today."

"I ate—" Rodney protested, only to be cut off by Carson once again.

"Considering you were asleep until twenty minutes ago, I know you couldn't have had more than a PowerBar. That is not eating. Your only choices are to come have breakfast with me and actually eat, or I will put an IV in and keep you here for observation today."

"I'll eat," Rodney grumbled, rubbing his arm where Carson had stuck him as he followed the Scot to his office. Sure enough, a full breakfast tray was there—even a mug of coffee. Settling into the guest chair, McKay started in on the lukewarm food, feeling Beckett's eyes on him, watching him carefully.

"All right, what happened last night? Sheppard was too hung over and sick to give me any straight answers, and then you went missing and caused quite a scare."

"I did not go missing," Rodney said, scowling into the food. "I was sleeping—just in a different location than normal, which up until a week or so ago, wasn't odd."

"Aye, but you never oversleep, and you always respond to radio hails, even if it takes one or two to wake you up."

"I was tired and I didn't have it on the general channel. I forgot to change it."

Carson slouched in his seat, some of the anger draining away. "We were worried, Rodney. When we could'na find you..."

"Look," Rodney said, finally glancing up. "Things…happened last night that I don't want to talk about. I just want to eat enough to make you happy so I can get back to work. Is that so much to ask?"

"Aye, I've already heard about what happened."

"Good. Then there's no need to go over that again, now is there?" Rodney shoved the last piece of toast in his mouth and swallowed down the last bit of the cold coffee. "Can I go now?"

Carson sighed. "If you change your mind about wanting to talk, you know where to find me. Don't pull this again. If you're going to pass out in remote locations, turn your bloody radio to the general channel first."

"Yes, the next time I plan a freak-out, I'll be sure to do that. Sound advice, Carson," Rodney said sarcastically as he rose to his feet. "I'll be in the labs for the rest of the day."

"Or, instead of freaking out, you could just come find me and talk it out. That's far more productive."

"No. Not really."

The doctor just shook his head. "No, you'd rather jump to conclusions and then run yourself ragged trying to prove you're right."

"I don't need this right now."

"Go then. But I will be stopping by this evening to get you for dinner, and then you will be going to bed at a decent hour if I have to sit on you until you fall asleep." Carson's face softened. "You aren't taking care of yourself."

"Some of us have work to do that doesn't fall within the 'normal' parameters of work hours, Carson. You should know that by now. We're at war and I have work to do."

"And if you work yourself into a coma or worse, then who will be around to save us when a crisis comes up? Go get your work done, and I'll see you tonight."

Rodney snorted, but didn't comment, ending up spending most of the day working in his office—the morons he worked with here even more annoying than usual—pouring through the database in an effort to find anything promising, anything that had the potential of a ZPM. They needed power badly if they wanted any chance in hell of actually defending the city.

At some point a sandwich appeared at his elbow, with no sign of who left it. But otherwise, he was left alone.

Which was a good thing—as Radek had found out not long after he'd first walked in, Rodney's reply to his question even sharper and more cutting than normal.

Carson appeared that evening—just as he said he would—standing at his door and tapping his foot, arms crossed over his chest as he waited and watched. Rodney pointedly ignored him.

"You would prefer to be admitted to the infirmary to a quiet dinner and a good night's rest in your own quarters?"

"There's nothing wrong with me as your tests this morning proved."

"And it's my job to keep you that way. I don't need to wait for you to collapse to do my job."

Rodney sighed and looked up. "What part of 'I have work to do' do you not understand?"

"I already talked to Radek, and I know you aren't working on anything that can't wait until tomorrow. So that is'na going to work."

"What do you want from me?"

"To make sure you eat dinner, and then get some real rest. After that I'll leave you alone if that's what you want."

"Fine," Rodney said, saving the search he'd been reading through and shutting down his machine. "Let's eat."

Carson moved to the side to let Rodney pass through the door, then fell into step beside him in the hall. "Made any progress finding ZPMs? Radek mentioned he thought that was what you were working on."

"It's slow going," Rodney said with a sigh. "The Ancients weren't exactly forthcoming on where they put the stupid things."

"And in ten-thousand years, it would be easy to misplace something like that I'd imagine."

"Yes. You'd think they'd at least have a reference or something to tell people where they had extras. That would make sense," Rodney said as they stepped into the transport, emerging at the mess a few seconds later. "So, instead, I find myself going through every last piece of data I can find that mentions ZPMs."

"Likely if they needed a new one, they just made it. It's a shame that's one of the few areas the technology is still beyond us. Well, beyond you at any rate."

Rodney scowled at Carson as he picked up a tray, noting the substantial lack of people. Huh. It was later than he'd thought. "Nothing is 'beyond us'. They just didn't feel it necessary to include any kind of information about how they're created. It's all guesswork at his point."

"No need to get defensive, lad. I didn't mean to imply you won't figure it out eventually. I have every faith in you. Just that the ZPMs are one of those things that weren't immediately obvious in how they work."

Rodney muttered under this breath, pointing at the non-citrus dinner choice before grabbing a salad and piece of pie. "We know exactly how they work and what they do. It's just re-creating it that we have a problem with."

Carson grabbed his own food, and steered them to a quiet table in the back of the room. "You'll figure it out eventually. Just keep at it, and in the mean time, it gives you something like a hobby."

"A hobby? I never had a hobby. I wouldn't even know what one was if it was staring me in the face," Rodney said with a sigh, digging into his dinner.

"Didn't I hear you say once that you played piano? That's a hobby."

"I do not play piano," Rodney said tersely, shoving a leaf of lettuce in his mouth, swallowing before he'd fully chewed it. "And besides, who has time for hobbies when the Wraith could be beating down the door at any possible minute?"

Carson shook his head. "A hobby would do wonders for your blood pressure."

"My blood pressure is fine."

Beckett snorted. "No, believe me it's not. If it wasn't for the fact that I know you would forget to take them, I'd have you on medication again."

"I used to be on medication and I was very good about taking them. I have no desire to die in some way that can be avoided."

"I'll keep that in mind next time I evaluate you. You might find yourself on several medications if that's the case. I don't have enough supply to give them to people who won't take them, but if you'll actually take my advice..."

Rodney sighed, shaking his head. "Did you actually want me to eat or are you trying to give me indigestion?"

Carson waved a hand at his tray, while taking a bite of his own food. "Eat."

"Why? So you can proclaim that I'm not eating correctly and am going to die horribly from some sort of side-effect caused by malnutrition?"

The doctor's lips twitched. "I can if you want me to, and if it will get you to eat regular, hot meals instead of scarfing down PowerBars all the time. As the occasional meal replacement those are fine, but you seem to think that's all you need to live on."

"I'd rather you didn't," Rodney scowled, dropping his fork. He'd gotten through half of his dinner and his stomach was rebelling. Enough was enough. He knew the real reason for Carson pulling him away from his work. He wanted to talk.

Gah! He was like a woman sometimes—an overly hairy, booze-drinking, hot-toddy-making Scot who couldn't keep his nose out of other people's business.

"Out with it already."

One eyebrow went up, and Carson's fork paused halfway to his mouth. "Out with what?"

"I know what this is all about and you might as well stop beating around the bush. Just…just say what you have to say and be done with it."

Beckett just watched him as he continued to eat. "What do you think this is about?"

"Sheppard. What else?"

"We can talk about him if you want. But I was under the impression you weren't interested in hearing any other opinions on the subject."

"I don't want to talk about it, but I know you and your yenta ways. That's exactly why you're plying me with food." Rodney glared across the table at his friend who was continuing to eat his dinner.

"I'm plying you with food because you haven't been eating properly. Yes, I do have some thoughts and opinions about you and John, but I won't share them unless I'm asked."

"Well, that's a change," Rodney said, opening the bottle of water and taking a sip. "That hasn't stopped you in the past."

"If I thought it would make a difference, it still probably wouldn't stop me. But I'd rather be your friend than your enemy, and I know you well enough to know that if I push, you'll retreat. And you stopped eating."

"I'm full. And since when did you stop speaking your mind around me?"

"Are you asking for my opinion then?"

"I'm just telling you that if you're going to start tip-toeing around me like the rest of the idiots on my staff then you certainly aren't the man I thought you were."

"All right then. I think the two of you are better together than apart. He gave you an anchor, and you gave him balance. I think you both love each other, and that scares the bejeebers out of both of you, and you're looking for excuses to run." Carson shrugged. "But since there's nothing I can do to change your mind, all I can do is be your friend and try to make sure you don't put yourself in an early grave from self-neglect. Which is what I'm trying to do."

"I don't need a babysitter, no matter what Sheppard thinks."

"No one said you did. You do have a marked tendency to let yourself go—you only eat the bare minimum to stave off hypoglycemia, and you sleep only enough to keep from passing out at meetings—when you get involved in something. We all share the job of making sure you stop, but admittedly it was easier when you were with John."

"And since he's not doing it, he has you doing it. What else has he talked you into?"

Carson shook his head. "I've always done it, as have a few others. Most of the time you don't notice, but if you think back, we never really let you push yourself past a certain point. Someone always steps in, and it really depends on who notices first more than anything else."

Rodney pushed back his chair, rising to his feet. "I'm going to say this once, so you can pass it along to whoever else Sheppard has on his little 'neighborhood watch' list. I’m fine. I can take care of myself and I don't need or want a babysitter. Understand?"

"Sit down, Rodney. You said you didn't want me tip-toeing around you, so you can't get pissy when I give you what you asked for. There is no 'neighborhood watch'. You just have friends who care enough about you to want to step in before you do yourself harm."

"I'm actually finished with this conversation right now, so if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go to my room and get some sleep if that's all right with you."

Carson stood up and smiled. "I'll walk with you. It's time for me to find my bed as well, so we're going the same direction."

"Fine," Rodney said, depositing his half-eaten dinner tray in the area set aside for garbage, Carson falling into step beside him as they walked to the residential area.

As they neared his door, Carson sighed. "I'm your friend, Rodney, in addition to your doctor. I can't sit by and watch you run yourself into the ground without at least trying to help. I'm sorry if that upsets you, but I like you too much not to try."

McKay sighed, stopping just outside his door. "I just don't know if I can do this again."

"I'm not asking you to do anything beyond take care of yourself."

"That's not what I'm talking about. You, of all people, should be able to keep up."

"I know what you were talking about. But I won't push you on it, and I will keep my opinions about what I think you should do to myself. Whether you decide you can't be with him romantically or not, I hope you don't push away his friendship, but I'm not foolish enough to push for even that. You'll come to your own decisions, right or wrong. I'm here if you want to talk, but otherwise I'll try to stay out of it."

Rodney snorted. "As if you could."

Carson gave him a small grin. "I've given the same options to John, and he's far more talkative than I would have thought. He's the type who needs a warm body to talk at sometimes, and he knows my door is open. Whether or not you take me up on it as well is up to you."

Rodney looked at him for a long moment before nodding. "I appreciate it."

"Try to get some sleep. You'll feel fresher and think better if you do."

"Sure I will," McKay said with a sigh, triggering his door to open.

"Lie down and close your eyes. Your body will take it from there and make sure it gets what it needs." Carson put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed lightly. "I'll see you tomorrow."

Rodney nodded, watching as Carson walked down the hall before he turned into his own room, the door sliding shut behind him.

He got ready for bed slowly, methodically, trying not to think about John's hands and body and mouth against his, trying not to think about what Carson said. This is one reason why he didn't do relationships. They were far too complicated.

Stepping into the bathroom in his boxers, he flipped on the shower, brushing his teeth while the room steamed. The actual shower part of the evening didn't take long, but he ended up standing under the spray trying to get some of the tension out of his shoulders even though he knew the only thing that would fix him would be a massage, someone's hands digging into the muscles in his back and shoulders.

Settling into bed with a few of the science journals he still had left—and a pen—Rodney was finally relaxing when his door chimed.

Glancing up at the door with a scowl, he swung his bare feet to the floor and padded over, opening the door and finding himself staring into John's face.

"Um, hey." John's hands were stuffed in his pockets.

"You wanted something?" Rodney asked, trying to keep his tone carefully neutral, but well-aware that he was half-dressed—in an old t-shirt and boxers.

"Yeah. I... can I come in for a minute? I won't keep you long."

"Why?"

John looked up, and there was a flash of need that was quickly gone. "I wanted to apologize."

Rodney sighed, considering John's request before finally nodding, stepping back to allow him to enter. He padded back over to the bed, sitting on the edge while John stood in the middle of the room, nearly at attention.

"I was...out of line last night. I let my...desires...override my judgment. I... Rodney, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to fuck up again."

Nodding slowly, Rodney glanced at his hands as they twisted in his lap. "I should have left before it got…weird. I'm sorry."

John sighed. "I want to fix this and I don't know how."

"I…I'm not sure we can."

He saw the pain flicker across John's face before it was swiftly hidden again. "I... don't like it, but... friends at least? We used to hang out and be easy with each other before the—other stuff. Is there at least a chance of hanging on to that?"

"I'd like to try, if we can."

John's hands twitched. "Yeah. You going to come to movie night next week?"

"When?"

"Same time as this past week. Monday night, 1800. Ford's still in charge of picking the film."

"Sure. I can do that." Rodney nodded.

"Right. Good." John fidgeted for a moment. "I should, you know, go. You were getting ready for bed."

"I was actually in bed."

John swallowed hard, but didn't move. "Yeah. So I should go. Let you sleep."

"Thanks." John moved toward the door, hand poised at the release when Rodney's voice stopped him. "Thanks for the sandwich."

He didn't turn around. "You looked hungry. And, you know, I was making one for me anyway. So I thought I'd make you one, too."

"I…thanks. You didn't have to."

John looked back over his shoulder, an almost shy smile on his face. "I didn't mind."

"Next time bring coffee, too."

The smile got bigger. "I'll keep that in mind."

Rodney nodded once, firmly, pursing his lips. "We have to do some more city searches soon."

John had turned back around and was leaning against the wall. "There are a few sections that look promising. Our team has some time—we can look into putting a few city scouting trips on the schedule."

"We need to."

"Any areas in particular you want to start with? I can have the proposed mission list on Elizabeth's desk in the morning."

"It's already on her desk. She's been sitting on it for a while now. Other priorities." Rodney shrugged. Food and power were far more important than poking around the city.

He blinked, and shifted against the wall, presumably to get more comfortable. "All right then. I'm supposed to meet with her in the morning anyway. I'll bring it up then, and see what I can do. I can shoot for day after tomorrow, unless you need to be in the labs."

"It would probably be better if I direct from the control room," Rodney said after a minute. "Some of the areas are confusing and you have a hard enough time on the ground."

"Hey! I have a perfect sense of direction, thank you very much." John mock-pouted.

"No, you don't, and you know it." Rodney paused again, looking at John carefully. "You'll actually talk to Elizabeth about this?"

John shrugged. "Yeah. Why wouldn't I? We need to get more exploring done, and our team doesn't have any missions scheduled anytime soon. Not to mention, I prefer us being involved, in case anything goes wrong. Zelenka is good, but he's not you."

Rodney ducked his head, feeling his face flush a little. "No, he's not."

He heard John shift again, and neither of them said anything. John finally spoke up, his voice sounding a little strained. "So, um, any particular areas I should mention? To explore first I mean?"

"I prioritized them on the list," Rodney replied. "What seemed the most important."

"I haven't seen the list."

"I can email it over before I go to bed if you want."

"Yeah. That would... if you wouldn't mind. It'll make it easier when I talk to Elizabeth. Won't have to bullshit as much."

"I'll do that then," Rodney said, but he didn't get up, his gaze everywhere except on John. He really wanted to try the friendship thing. They'd done it well before and there was no reason why they couldn't do it now.

"Want to meet me for lunch tomorrow? I'll brief you on what she decides, and we can plan out how we're going to do it."

"I…sure. Lunch. I can do lunch," Rodney nodded. "You might have to remind me, though."

John smiled again, the real one, not the casual smirk he tended to throw out to the population at large. "I can do that. Sandwiches, and don't forget the coffee."

"Well, if we eat in the mess there might be real food."

"I like sandwiches better." He rolled his eyes. "Lately the mess staff has been experimenting at lunch. At least I know what I'm eating if I stick with almost-turkey."

"Experimenting?" Rodney felt his eyes widen. "Oh dear God. That's never good."

John made a face. "It hasn't been pretty."

"I'm glad I missed it," Rodney said, feeling the corner of his mouth rise. "So, tomorrow."

"Yeah. I'll buzz you around 1200 to remind you." John pushed off from the wall, face softening. "Goodnight, Rodney."

"Night, Sheppard. I'll send you the email before I finally go to bed."

"Don't stay up too late. And thanks."

"I won't. And, not a problem." Rodney watched John leave, feeling content for the first time in a few days. He moved to his desk, emailing the file to John as promised and berating several scientists' reports while he was at it as well.

Settling in for the night, he closed his eyes and let out a long sigh. He could do this.

***

John lounged on his bed and stared at the ceiling, letting his body decompress. He had stripped down to a pair of old sweats he was sleeping in these days, and dimmed the lights.

God, just when he thought things couldn't get any stranger… Old Weir had been—different. It still gave him the chills to think about the fact that he and everyone else had died horribly the first time around. She had given them Gate addresses for planets with ZPMs, though, so he could forgive her for being creepy. For now, he was doing his best to avoid Elizabeth until the oddness factor came back down again.

John let his thoughts drift away from current events and back to where they usually ended up—Rodney. Over the last month, they had gotten comfortable with each other again, and for that he thanked whatever Gods had taken pity on him. The urge to push the man against a wall and kiss him breathless hadn't diminished at all, but it was under control.

Friendship—snarky banter and all—was better than nothing. And certainly better than the strained avoidance they had lived with right after Chaya.

He was starting to drift off to sleep when his door chimed. Without really thinking about it, he told it to open and brought the lights up, sitting up and blinking blearily at the figure barging through the doorway.

"Why are you sleeping?"

"Huh?"

Rodney paused, looking at John like he had fifteen heads. "Why. Are. You. Sleeping?"

John blinked again, brain not re-engaged yet. "I was tired?"

"We have to finish cross-referencing the information Elizabeth…old Elizabeth gave us. There is no time for sleeping."

"Wha time's it?" John swung out of bed and let the blanket he had draped over him slide to the floor as he stumbled to the dresser to find a clean shirt. He knew from experience that Rodney wouldn't go away until he had what he wanted. And honestly, once he woke up a bit more, John didn't want him to.

"I don't know. I didn't look, but I can't be the only one looking at the mainframe and comparing information."

"Why not?" John yanked a worn black t-shirt over his head and padded back to drop to the bed. "Gimme my laptop if we're doing this."

"Nononono. We can't do this here. It has to be in the lab. Everything's set up." Rodney was already headed for the door, pausing just before he reached it. "Are you coming?"

"It's not enough you're going to drag me out of bed to spend the night fiddling around on computers, now I have to get dressed for it, too?" John rolled back up and with a sigh stripped off the shirt he had just put on, heading back to find a clean uniform instead.

"Look, if you don't want to help, just say so."

"If I didn't want to help, I wouldn't have gotten out of bed in the first place." He shimmied out of the sweats and pulled on his BDUs, not turning around to see if Rodney was watching. He wasn't sure which would hurt more, so it was better not to know. Once he was moderately decent again, he turned around and started looking for his shoes. "What's the plan?"

"We look for ZPMs."

"It's a big database, and even with the intel Old Weir left us, it's still a lot of ground to cover. I'm assuming we aren't just diving in willy nilly." He finally found his boots and got them on, running a hand through his hair a few times to try and get it into some kind of shape. He quickly buckled on his thigh holster and stood to face Rodney, arms out slightly. "Did I forget anything? I always feel like I missed something important."

"No, you're fine," Rodney said, without really looking, still intent on the PDA in his hands.

John rolled his eyes. "All right, what are we waiting for then? And since you dragged me out of bed for this, there had better be some of the good coffee waiting for us, not that watery stuff you pawn off on your minions."

"Coffee? No, I drank that a while ago. Haven't made a new pot. Not even sure if I have grounds left in the labs," Rodney said absently. He glanced up, finally realizing that John was staring at him. "Oh. You're ready."

John shook his head and grinned as he pushed past Rodney into the hall. "So you came in at," he glanced at his watch, "2300, dragged me out of bed, made me change, and you aren't even going to offer me coffee?"

"You don't have to come. I didn't want to make this a hardship for you or anything." Rodney rolled his eyes, his fingers still tapping away at the PDA screen.

"Have I ever done anything I didn't want to do? I don't mind helping out, McKay, but a little coffee wouldn't be amiss. You're like the king of hidden stashes. Break some out." John paused, and with another grin detoured towards Rodney's room. If the geek wasn't going to provide the good stuff, he was going to have to go retrieve it himself.

"What? What are you doing?" Rodney asked, stopping suddenly in the middle of the hall, eyes wide.

"Getting coffee since you said you were out of grounds in the lab."

"I used all of my grounds and no one has been willing to share," Rodney said, his face dropping into a scowl even as he followed behind John once again.

"What about the hidden stuff? I know you can't have used all that." John got to Rodney's door, which happily opened for him, even though he hadn't actually asked it to.

"Do you think I’m actually making things up?" Rodney asked from where he stood in the middle of the doorway, watching John, a strange look on his face. "Look, forget I asked for your help. Go back to bed."

John resisted the urge to bang his head on the wall. "No, I don't think you're making things up. But since I know for a fact that you have a hidden panel behind your desk with your coffee stash, I just wanted to grab some. Just enough for one pot. And I want to help, I just want coffee while I do it. It's been a long day."

"There. Is. Nothing. Left," Rodney ground out through gritted teeth before turning on his heel, the door closing as he strode off.

John sighed and followed him, catching up a moment later. "Can we swing by the mess then? Maybe I can sweet-talk the night shift into liberating some of theirs."

"Do whatever you want. I have work to do."

"Rodney..." John jogged a bit to catch up, grabbing the scientist's arm to make him stop. "I'm sorry. I want to help. I just wanted caffeine to go with it. I can do without if it means that much to you. Just point me at what you want me to do."

"Sheppard, just…just forget I asked. I’m sorry I dragged you out of bed." Rodney turned, moving swiftly down the hall as John stood there for a moment, slightly shell-shocked.

He shook himself and followed along, catching back up in the labs. He slipped in front of the second console that was set up quietly, and began to do a cross-reference search. He hadn't gotten far when Rodney seemed to notice him there.

"I thought I told you to go to bed."

"I want to help."

"Sounded like you wanted coffee more. This could mean the very survival of Atlantis, you know. It's not like I’m doing this for my health."

He looked up, no trace of his usual smirk. "I know."

Rodney looked at him for a long moment before nodding to himself, turning back to his own workstation and getting back to the job at hand.

John got lost in the work, letting himself relax and enjoy the easy camaraderie that fell between them. They didn't say much for a long time, just pointing out when one or the other of them had found something that looked promising.

But when Radek showed up in the morning—surprise on his face at seeing the two of them—and Rodney was still going strong, John began to get the feeling that something was wrong.

John sat back, waving the Czech over. "Wow, is it morning already? Now I see how you guys can work over-nights sometimes—easy to loose track of time."

"You have been here all night?" Radek asked quietly, glancing at Rodney with furrowed brows before turning back to John. "I did not expect him to drag you into this. I apologize."

His sense of something wrong increased dramatically. "Wait, what do you mean? He got me up last night to come help, but I didn't think it was anything unusual. What's wrong?"

"He has been…preoccupied with ZPMs, with finding them. Was even before we discovered the old version of Doctor Weir. But since then…" Radek's voice trailed off. "He naps. Eats when he remembers or his concentration fades. We have confiscated all of his coffee and he still continues."

"Fuck. I asked about coffee, and he got really defensive. I was still half-asleep so it didn't raise any flags. I'll get him breakfast and put him to bed."

"That…may not be wise. Carson attempted it yesterday. I believe he is still nursing scars."

John closed his eyes briefly. "Can you shut him out of the system? Close down his network access for twenty-four hours? Even if I can get him to his room, we both know he'll just log back in there."

"Are you kidding? McKay can hack any system," Radek began, only to be interrupted by Rodney.

"Sheppard, I need you to check a planet," Rodney said, stopping as he spotted Radek. "Oh. I didn't think you'd be back."

"He works here, why wouldn't he be back? And we've been at this all night, Rodney. Why don't we take a break, go down and grab breakfast?"

"Because I’m not hungry and I need you to check on a planet—Dagan, according to the mainframe. I think it matches one of Elizabeth's addresses, but I want someone to double-check me."

"Sure, I'll check it, but first I want some food. I am hungry, and since I've been with you, I know you haven't eaten all night either." John moved to stand next to Rodney. "Come on, Dagan will still be there when we get back."

Rodney, instead, turned to Radek. "Check that planet for me, will you?"

Radek shook his head. "Is the Major's job. I am busy." He managed to move across the lab before Rodney could formulate a reply, which was pretty impressive. "Come on, Rodney. An hour break won't hurt. My eyes are killing me, and since you were working on this before you came to get me, yours have got to be worse." He put a hand on McKay's elbow and tugged gently.

Rodney pulled his arm free, scowling at John. "If and when I'm hungry, I will go and get something to eat, Major. I know how to take care of myself and don’t need—or want—your help in that matter. Right now, I need someone to cross-reference a planet designation. Is that too hard for you to do, or am I going to have to do it myself?"

The urge to press his lips against Rodney's in a hard kiss, then drag him out of the lab, tie him to the bed and fuck him until he slept for ten hours straight was almost overwhelming. They snuck up on him sometimes, those urges, usually at times like this, when he was tired enough to be losing patience. "You're so tired you're cross-eyed, and I can hear your stomach growling. The database—and the ZPM—have waited for ten-thousand years. They will wait another few hours while you get something more nutritious than a PowerBar and sleep for longer than ten minutes at a shot."

Rodney's face closed down and he moved past John to the computer he'd been working on. "Thank you for your help, Major," he said, already pulling up several screens—all of them in Ancient. "I'll be sure to mention your assistance in the report I'm preparing for Doctor Weir."

"Damn it, Rodney..." John reached out and started closing laptop screens. "Just go get some sleep and some food. Is that too much to ask? What difference will a few hours make?"

"That," Rodney said, moving into John's space for a moment, anger in his movements, "is not for you to decide. Now either help or leave."

"I'm trying to help and you're shutting me out."

"You're hindering, there's a difference." He reached up and tapped his radio. "McKay to Bates. I need a security detail to the main science lab."

John raised an eyebrow. "Security? And you don't even like Bates."

"Yes, thank you. That should be fine," Rodney said, obviously answering someone on the other end of the radio.

John rolled his eyes and waited for the team to arrive, when they did, he had to admit he took a certain amount of grim amusement from their surprise to see him. "Sergeant." He nodded to Bates.

"Sir?" Bates said, glancing between Rodney—who had begun working again—and John.

"It's about time you showed up," McKay said a moment later. "Please remove Major Sheppard from the labs."

John rolled his eyes again. "McKay, you do know they report to me, not you, right?" He looked over at Bates. "McKay is taking exception to all attempts to make him actually stop and get some sleep. I'd like you and your men to escort him to his room, posting a guard to ensure he remains there for the next twelve hours. I'll inform Doctors Beckett and Weir of the situation, and I'm sure they'll have someone send a tray of food for him. Other than that, no one comes or goes."

"Actually, sir, we went through this yesterday. I'll have to ask you to accompany me," Bates said, looking pained as he gestured to Sheppard to leave.

"Yesterday?" John raised an eyebrow and glared a little, not budging. "Forget to file that report, Sergeant?" He stressed the rank.

"No, sir. It was filed early this morning. We do have twenty-four hours to write up any incident reports."

"Why don't you give me the verbal summary, since I haven't checked e-mail yet."

"And why don't you give him the report out in the hallway, Sergeant," Rodney said, making shooing gestures with his hand. "You're disturbing me."

John ignored Rodney and kept his gaze on Bates. Whatever was going on here, he still outranked the man, and he was still in command. He'd be damned if he was going to let Rodney undermine his authority, even unintentionally.

"Sergeant, I believe I asked you to remove yourself and Major Sheppard from the labs," Rodney said a moment later, his voice hard. "Do I need to file a complaint with the US Military?"

"Complaint duly noted, McKay, since right now I AM the US military." John's gaze didn't falter. "Bates is under my command, McKay, and until someone tells me what the hell is going on here, no one is going anywhere. Is that clear?"

Rodney ignored him, tapping his radio instead. "McKay to Weir." He paused a minute as she answered. "I've found the first planet we need to check out for ZPMs. It's called Dagan. I’m uploading all of the information to your via email. Can we meet to discuss this?" He paused again, obviously listening to her reply. "Yes, this afternoon would be fine. I’m looking forward to it. McKay out."

Turning to Bates and Sheppard, Rodney glared at them. "Don't think I won't file a formal complaint with your government and the oversight committee about intolerable working conditions." He started moving to the door, pausing just before he stepped through. "And Major, you may want to read up on Dagan before this afternoon's meeting."

He stepped out of the labs a beat later, the door closing behind him.

John was furious. He made sure Bates knew it as he turned his attention to the soldier. "Talk. Now. What the hell is going on, and why don't I know about it?"

"We had a similar situation with Doctor Beckett yesterday," Bates admitted, "but he left before it became a…problem. I still completed a report for you, sir. I didn't expect it to be anything except an isolated incident. He's called us several times since we've been here to remove someone from the labs."

John nodded curtly. "Fine. I'll read the report and let you know if I have any questions. If you get any more calls from McKay, re-route them to me. I'll deal with it. Dismissed." He didn't wait for a reply, but started towards Elizabeth's office. He knew it was mostly anger keeping him from feeling the exhaustion, but he needed to find out what was going on and why she was encouraging this. He was grateful she was alone when he got there. "Can we chat for a minute?"

"Of course," she said, looking up from her computer, surprise on her face. "Have a seat, John. It looks like you have something on your mind."

"McKay is apparently working himself to death, and no one is bothering to do anything about it." He didn't sit, and instead began to pace. "He just tried to have my security team toss me from the lab, and apparently he did the same with several others yesterday. And Zelenka said the science staff has resorted to hiding all the coffee in an attempt to make him stop." He rounded on her. "He needs to be ordered to stand down and go get a hot meal and a solid block of sleep, and he won't listen to me or Beckett. You're the only one whose authority he'll recognize right now."

"John…there's nothing I can do at this point. Carson talked to me about this yesterday."

"Refuse to hold the briefing until he's slept. We both know he'll just keep pushing until someone forces him to stop, and quite frankly he's going to start making mistakes soon."

"How do you know he's not sleeping right now?" Elizabeth asked, exasperation in her voice. "There's nothing I can do to make him stop working and even Carson had to admit that he's getting enough sleep and food to sustain him." She paused again, gesturing for the chair. "I've probably worked with him the longest, so I know he goes through…phases. It seems like he may have hit one. And during these times he won't listen to anyone and he also makes sure he knows all his rights."

"Zelenka pulled me aside and said he's worked through more nights than he's stopped, and is obsessed over the idea of finding a ZPM. He's taking short cat-naps and living on PowerBars when he starts to feel woozy." He again ignored her request for him to sit down. He knew if he did, his own exhaustion was going to hit. "Look, I'm not asking to stop him—God knows once McKay gets an idea there's nothing we can do except go along for the ride. But force him to slow down. Reschedule the meeting on this Dagan planet for tomorrow, and tell him to go get some sleep. It's waited this long, it will wait another day."

"And he's finally had a breakthrough," Weir said. "I don't need to tell him to get sleep because he probably grabbed something to eat and crashed. I know him, John."

He shook his head. "I know him, too, believe it or not. He's running himself into the ground, Elizabeth. Why are we waiting for him to collapse and need to be admitted to the infirmary to do anything about it?"

"No, John. You aren't hearing me. When he gets like this, he knows exactly how much he can or cannot do. It doesn't last more than a few days and as soon as he gets what he's looking for he crashes. Why do you think I scheduled a meeting for 1800? I knew he'd spend the majority of the day sleeping like the dead." She took a deep breath, letting it out. "You've only worked with him since we came to Pegasus, but I worked with him closely before. This, unfortunately, is part of McKay."

"And you're wrong. He's been like this for more than a few days, according to Zelenka." He started pacing again, angry and knowing he couldn't take it out on Elizabeth. Knowing this wasn't part of Rodney that couldn't be curbed, but he wasn't allowed to do anything about that, either. "He's just going to go work somewhere else, and after the briefing will insist on a mission tomorrow, to leave early. And I'm willing to lay odds that he won't sleep a full night tonight."

"Do you think I would willingly let him do something that would endanger his life or the life of any member of the expedition?"

"Not intentionally, no. But he's at the end of what he can handle, even if he's hiding it well." He turned back around to face her. "I know we need ZPMs, and if he thinks this is a good mark, then I'm all for going. But if I take him out like he is now, I'll be putting not only his life at risk, but the rest of my team's. I can't do that, Elizabeth."

"John, I'll make a deal with you," Weir said, leaning forward on he elbows. "If he isn't rested, if you're not comfortable, scrub the mission—which we haven't even scheduled yet. But if he is well, we go forward."

He slumped slightly, leaning into the wall. "Deal, but it's my call one way or the other."

"Agreed."

He closed his eyes, and took a deep breath, then nearly had a heart attack when an arm was placed on his. He had flipped them and had Elizabeth pinned to the wall before he realized who it was and immediately let go and stepped back. When the hell had she moved? "Elizabeth... I'm sorry... I reacted on instinct..."

"Are you sure you're okay, John?" she asked, rubbing her arm.

He gave her a wry grin. "Sorry about that. McKay kept me up all night helping in the lab. I didn't realize it was a regular occurrence until this morning when Zelenka came in. When we're done, as long as no one needs me I'm going to crash for a few hours myself."

"That might be a good idea, Major," she said, an eyebrow raised.

"Least we know my hair trigger is still working." As far as jokes went, it fell flat and he knew it by the way her concern suddenly got stronger instead of weaker.

"Are you sure you're okay? Is there something going on with you and Rodney that I need to know about? I thought you'd settled all of your differences months ago."

"No, there's absolutely nothing going on." And that was the problem, but he couldn't say that. "I'm just tired, and worried about my teammate and friend. I'll get some sleep and see you at the briefing later."

Elizabeth eyed him carefully before nodding slowly. "It's at 1800 in the conference room."

"I'll be there. Bright eyed and bushy tailed."

"I'll take rested and calm."

"And not pinning my commanding officer to walls because I'm jumpy. Got it." He gave her a lazy salute and a short bow before turning to the door.

"In general company pinning someone to the wall is not a good thing, Major," Weir said, her voice light and teasing.

He carefully kept the spike of need to pin a certain scientist to walls hidden behind a careless smile. "I'll try to keep that in mind."

"Good," she said with a smile, already turning back to her computer.

He gave her another salute and started for his room, hoping he could get at least a few hours sleep before he was needed. He didn't bother to do more than toe his shoes off and remove the thigh holster, setting the alarm for 1500, before falling into bed and into a deep sleep.

***

Rodney had been a little surprised at John's coolness when he walked into the briefing room. He hadn't been expecting it at all.

Granted, Rodney hadn't wanted to pull the Bates into the labs—again—but it wasn't like Sheppard had given him a choice. And it wasn't like he didn't know what he was doing. All he needed was confirmation that something, finally had gone right, that he'd found something worthwhile.

But he did have to admit that breakfast and his sleep like the dead imitation had been needed. He'd woken up at 1600 refreshed and hungry, working through a late lunch/early dinner as he went through the files again that he'd be presenting at the briefing.

While Elizabeth hadn't been as excited as he'd hoped—maybe that was due to Sheppard's and Beckett's sour faces—she did seen encouraged by the findings.

"I'd like to schedule a mission for tomorrow," he concluded, leaning back in his chair. "I think this planet has a high probability of actually having a working ZPM."

He saw Elizabeth look at John, who was watching Rodney. "How hard will it be to actually find and retrieve the ZPM once we get there?"

"I don't know. The database isn't all that…explicit about it."

John finally nodded slowly and looked at Elizabeth. "My team can be ready to go at 1000 tomorrow. We'll plan on staying the day with check-in every four hours unless the situation changes."

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"Of course, he's sure," Rodney broke in, rolling his eyes. "We need this."

John was silent for a moment, then nodded again. "He's right. We need another ZPM, and this is the best shot we've had at one in a while. However," He turned a hard gaze on Rodney, "if my team isn't at full capacity before we leave in the morning, I will move to scrub the mission."

Rodney rolled his eyes again. "What you think Ford's not going to be ready? He's eager to get off Atlantis and blow something up."

Carson snorted, and John just looked inscrutable, so Elizabeth stood up. "All right gentlemen, you have a go then."

Rodney gathered his stuff together, glancing up at Sheppard who was standing and waiting, Carson beating a hasty retreat. Seemed he was still sore about the whole "calling security" thing.

"You wanted something?"

"Next time you decide to throw a fit, I'd appreciate it if you didn't try to undermine my authority with my men at the same time. I have a hard enough time maintaining discipline without that added in." John turned on his heel and started for the door.

"What are you talking about?"

John stopped, but didn't turn around. "You deliberately called my authority into question. When it comes to your own staff that's fine and I don't dispute that you're the final word. But when it comes to my men, I'd appreciate the same courtesy."

"Is this about this morning?"

He turned, his face blank. "Yes, Rodney, it's about this morning, when you called my security team to try and have them escort their commanding officer out of the lab for no reason other than wanting to prove you could. I was trying to help and you didn't want it. Fine. But I already have a hard time getting some of them to follow orders. They're Marines and I'm Air Force and they don't like taking them from me. Please don't make that harder."

"Bates is head of security and I was well within my rights to call him when you wouldn't leave me alone." Rodney straightened, his back muscles tightening. "Maybe next time you'll think twice about telling me how to run my labs and my research."

John just turned and started for the door again.

"Fine. Walk away. This is why we won't work, Major. You obviously have no real desire to respect how I choose to do my job."

John froze, before turning back around and stalking over. Rodney backed up at the look on his face, and kept going until he hit the wall. Sheppard stopped inside his personal space, but didn't touch. "I respect how you do your job, Rodney. I spent the whole god damned night up with you helping you do it. I take issue with watching you run yourself into the fucking ground and getting so obsessed over something that you cease taking care of yourself. If that makes me the bad guy here, fine. All I'm asking is that you do me the same fucking courtesy and not give my men counter orders to my own right in front of me. Or is it too much to ask that you respect how I do my job?"

"Oh, I respect you, Major. But when you're trampling over other people to do it—like me—that doesn't necessarily sit right," Rodney said, his anger rising. "And don't worry, next time I won't bother to ask for your help."

John growled, moving another step in before visibly getting control of himself. "I want to help you, Rodney. I like helping you. You're brilliant and I'm well aware of how much you do to keep this city operational. Sorry if not wanting to see you kill yourself in the process is suddenly a bad thing." He turned and moved away.

"Listening to what I say comes high on that list of helping, Major. You may want to try and remember that next time."

"That works both ways, McKay."

"Oh, I listen to you Sheppard, when it matters."

John turned, and the anger was gone from his face, replaced with a surprising amount of weariness. "But it never really matters, does it? I'll see you later, Rodney. Don't work too hard tonight."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Don't worry about it. I'll follow along and make sure no one hurts you. That's really all I'm good for, right? Taking orders and staying out of your way." He sighed. "I have some things I need to take care of before we ship out. Let me know if you need anything from me before then."

Rodney nodded, watching as Shepard left the conference room. He stood there for a long moment before he shook his head, picking up the rest of his stuff before heading to the labs. He wanted to check on a few things, grab a late dinner, and then get some sleep.

They had a mission to find a ZPM tomorrow. He needed to be at his best.

***

John leaned against a wall and watched Rodney and the hussy who was flirting with him pour over the maps. They had made good progress, and odds were getting better they would find the rest of the stones and, hopefully, a ZPM soon.

So why was he so depressed?

He glanced over as Teyla slid up next to him. "McKay's in Heaven I think. He'll never admit it, but he has the soul of an archeologist sometimes."

Teyla nodded carefully. "He is never one to refuse a puzzle, no matter what it is."

John's eyes drifted back to Allina, who was making eyes at Rodney. "He could probably spend the rest of his life happily solving the puzzles here, uncovering Ancient technology, and getting the girl."

"Would that be…bad? He looks happy."

And the worst part was that he really did. Without John. And damn did that hurt, even after months apart. He sighed. "No, it wouldn't be bad to see him happy. God knows we don't get much of that anymore."

"This pains you, however," Teyla said quietly, her gaze shifting over to Rodney once again.

He thought about denying it, but she would only call him on it anyway, and probably make him uncomfortable in the process. She was good at that. "Be selfish of me not to wish him happiness just because I'm not."

"You do have his friendship, do you not?"

He turned away from watching the couple. "When it's convenient for him. And I'm enough of a sucker that I'll take what I can get."

Teyla tilted her head to the side. "What do you mean?"

He waved a hand back towards the main room. "You know how he is. And it's worse with me now, since everything I say or do is being questioned. Look, he's over me, I'm not over him. Oldest story in the book, and I'll live with it."

She paused for a moment. "Are you certain of that?"

"Look at him. And look at me." He sighed again. "The fact that we're having this conversation at all is a testament to how fucked up I am right now. I hate talking about feelings and shit."

"I have…observed as much." She paused again, obviously gathering her thoughts. "I…do not think he knows what he wants," Teyla began slowly. "He has been…listless and unsettled…fearful perhaps. It is as is he does not wish to make any decision so he is instead choosing to make none."

"I've tried, Teyla. More than once. He won't let me back in, not as anything more than friends."

"Why do you think that is?"

John thought back to the last attempt he had made. He had been drunk, yes, but he remembered it clearly. Rodney had responded, had wanted him, had opened up for him. And then had run. "I wish I knew."

"Could it be something you have no knowledge of?"

"I won't discount that. I can read him fairly well, but he's been making a point of hiding his thoughts from me lately."

"Fear of being hurt, perhaps?"

He looked back, chest hurting at the happy smile McKay was shooting at Allina. "Possibly."

"Fear of his own needs and desires?" Teyla paused again, her eyes drifting between Rodney and John. "I have seen his courage and bravery on many occasions, but only on behalf of his friends or his work. He is most…unsure and unsettled when it comes to his own personal wishes."

"And there's not much I can do about that, not unless he let's me."

Teyla inclined his head. "That is true. Perhaps he needs to see the value of your friendship in a different light."

John glanced over at her. "Considering your…gifts…you know our, ah, tastes and the nature of our relationship, when we had one. I could force it on him, Teyla, and he would enjoy it. But I would always wonder if I had him because I didn't give him a choice, or if he was really mine, completely. I can't do that. I don't want half-ways."

"I agree. You can never have that type of doubt. It would destroy both of you in the end." She gestured to Allina with her chin. "Perhaps it is time to let him explore his options?"

He clenched his jaw. "You want me to encourage this." It wasn't a question.

"Would you rather see him alone and unhappy? You may be surprised at the results."

It was one thing to stand back and let it happen. Another to actively encourage it. But he also knew he sucked at this sort of thing, and Teyla didn't. That didn't mean he had to like it. "All right. I'll give it a shot. If nothing else, maybe he'll get a few hours of stress relief with her. He needs it."

Teyla looked at him for a long moment, her eyes saying something he couldn't decipher. "Perhaps."

He had to consciously run through his muscles and force them to unclench. He couldn't hold her gaze for long. "I hate this."

"He needs to see his options clearly, John. Right now, it is as if there is a veil before his eyes. Everything is in darkness and indistinct. Help him to see. Let him choose. I do not think you will be disappointed."

He snorted. "We'll see. All right, let's get this show on the road. It's getting late and we need to turn in soon if we're going to be up searching for stones again tomorrow. Usual watch schedule. I'll take first, Ford's up next, and you on sunrise shift."

Teyla nodded simply, glancing over her shoulder at where Ford was sitting, napping as he leaned against the wall.

John stood and shook the soldier awake. "Come on, Ford, there are more comfortable beds to be had. You've got second watch tonight."

"Sir? Right, sir. Second watch."

John shook his head and grinned. He looked up as Rodney walked in, catching the tail end of his sentence about going to bed. He glanced over at Teyla, who was watching him. With a mental shrug, he figured he couldn't possibly make things any worse. "Ah, which bed might that be McKay?" He grabbed a piece of fruit from the table and took a bite, trying for casual.

Rodney glanced up, eyes wide, confusion on his face. "Hmm…what?"

Ford grinned as he stood. "I think the leader might have a little crush on you doctor."

"She does?" McKay asked as he turned to look over his shoulder, staring at the woman across the room, a series of emotions rolling over his face—surprise, fear, wariness, attraction, uncertainty, and confusion.

Teyla moved to put a hand on his shoulder, guiding him towards the room the team was sharing. "It is very clear to us all."

"It is?"

"To everyone but you apparently," John muttered under his breath, but from the look on Rodney's face, the scientist heard him.

"Well, should I have um…" Rodney began, instantly a bundle of nerves. "I mean…are you sure about this?"

"Yeah." He fought the urge to sigh and roll his eyes. "Pretty sure."

Rodney turned to John, his eyes wide. "What should I do?"

John raised an eyebrow, unable to resist teasing a little. "You don’t know what to do?"

McKay scowled at him, briefly, before resorting to nerves once again. "I know what to do eventually. I mean what should I do now? Should I say something tonight?"

John shared a long look with Teyla, and sighed. "Tell you what, Valentine. Wait 'til tomorrow. You’ll be more on your game after you get some rest."

"Oh…right. Right… Good answer." Rodney nodded and in John's eyes it looked like he was relieved. "Good night," he added a little too loudly, managing to catch Allina's attention before they walked to the rooms that had been set aside.

Teyla laughed lightly and got settled, Ford having dropped into bed and getting comfortable. John looked over his team and smiled, then set his back to them, so he could keep an eye on the door and the people walking past it.

***

It was strange, this whole figuring out what to do with a girl thing.

Rodney hated this and was one of the reasons he rarely, if ever, attempted to do anything like it. He was never one for stumbling over his own words, sweating up a storm, and trying not to look like a total idiot.

And he knew that's exactly what he was doing.

And what was with Sheppard? First he's sending daggers to him when he was talking to Allina and now he's playing matchmaker.

What was up with that?

It made no sense to him at all.

And now, they were digging again. Another day. Another possibility of actually finding the ZPM. This had better work.

Standing next to Allina, Rodney couldn't help but compare her to John. They both had dark hair, but that was about where the similarity ended. She was soft in all the right places, but John…there was just something so exciting and comforting in his size and strength.

And he was hard in all the right places.

Pulling his attention back to the tiles they'd managed to find, Allina was frowning and shaking her head, trying to make some kind of sense out of them.

"It doesn’t look much like a map… I guess I was wrong."

"Possibly. Although, just because you…" Rodney replied with a shrug, stumbling over his words as soon as she turned her attention to him, "…you thought it was a map. It doesn’t make your initial assumption bad…or incorrect. Incorrect yes…but… it was a good guess."

She gave him an odd look. "I am sorry."

"You’re very…" he started, but couldn't help looking over at John, remembering. He continued a beat later, determined to give this a try—especially since Sheppard seemed to want him to. "…very smart…and uh…and attractive and what not and um ah…" Glancing back up, he noticed John heading their way. Oh no. Not now. Rodney glanced back at Allina and the stone tiles. "You know…when things aren’t going through…when things don’t…you know."

"Uh, yeah it’s great. It's great…" He stuttered as John stopped right behind them. "You know everything's really…why wouldn’t it be?"

John's expression was unreadable as he lifted his water bottle to his lips, breaking in to the conversation. "You sure we’re in the right place? We’ve almost doubled the size of the dig. And we haven’t found anything yet."

Rodney nodded. "This has got to be the right place. The other eight stones were exactly where we thought they were going to be. Why would this be any different?"

Ford's yell got all of their attention. "Major!"

John sighed, but raised his voice. "Tell me you found the stone."

"Not quite, sir. But I think McKay should take a look at this." Rodney followed John and Allina over to a large stone in the ground.

"It carries the mark of the Brotherhood." She kneeled down next to it for a better look.

"The writing is in Ancient. Can you read it?" John looked back up at Rodney, a flash of something in his eyes before it was gone again.

Rodney squinted, trying to make sense of the writing. It took him a moment to translate it, running it through his head before saying it out loud. "It’s a warning. It says only the Brotherhood of the Fifteen should enter the chamber of…"

"Of the Quindozum." Allina was also staring hard at the writing.

Teyla joined them, looking curious as they pushed the heavy stone aside and tested to see how deep it was. "What chamber?"

It took a few minutes before Ford and Sheppard moved the cover and set up a relay system to lower them into the underground chamber.

If he wasn't claustrophobic this would be amazing. Okay, Rodney admitted to himself, even though he was claustrophobic it was still amazing.

As he took in the chamber, the walls, the console standing in the middle of the room with two places obviously for the user's hands, his mind started spinning, pulling up ideas and hypothesizes, considering and discarding them steadily and quickly.

"So the ninth stone must integrate into this center piece," Rodney said to himself, caught up in the puzzle. Reaching out, he placed one of his hands in the appropriate location, glancing up when he realized someone—Allina—was in the way. "May I?"

She gave him an irritated look, but moved aside.

Teyla came up next to him, tilting her head for a better view. "I think we can rule out a map."

Rodney suddenly felt the heat from Sheppard as he moved in close enough to see as well. "You’re right. Any ideas?"

McKay kept spinning ideas over and over in his head, his body leaning a little into the heat behind him. "I’m getting there."

John shifted slightly, pressing slightly closer, and Rodney felt him staring at the console. "It's pretty neat looking."

"Yes, yes, but looks aren't everything," Rodney replied quickly.

"You'll figure it out." John squeezed his arm slightly, then moved away, calling up to Ford for a check-in.

Rodney continued to work at the console, poking and prodding, his mind sorting through everything. Allina and the rest of the team worked around him, exploring the chamber as he muttered and talked to himself.

He didn't hear John move, but suddenly the heat was back, and the soldier was peering over his shoulder again. "What? What don't you believe?"

Rodney glanced up, eyes meeting John's. "It’s a gate address. A six symbol gate address."

John's eyes narrowed, but he didn't say anything.

"Gate symbols?" Teyla looked up from where she had been sitting on the floor.

"I see them now. Yes!" Allina pushed in next to Rodney, forcing Sheppard to move away again.

"Do you recognize the address?" Teyla rose and came over to stare at the symbols as well.

"No," Rodney said, shaking his head. And that was the problem. If they didn't know where the ZPM was located, if they couldn't figure it out then all of this work was for nothing.

"I am not familiar with this one either." Allina shook her head.

"So." John was glaring at Allina, then seemed to shake himself and re-focus. "The ninth stones on another planet?"

At the sound of a gunshot, Rodney—along with everyone else—stopped moving and talking immediately, his eyes going wide. Ford was up there. What could he be shooting at?

McKay watched Sheppard put a finger to his lips indicating silence as he moved over toward the opening of the chamber. He glanced up, trying to see into the bright sunlight.

"Ford?"

"Major Sheppard. I’m afraid the lieutenant has had to step away for a moment."

"Who’s that?" Rodney hissed, his entire body tensing. He knew that voice. Had heard that voice in his sleep. No, that was just not possible.

"It can't be…" John's eyes had gone flat.

Teyla's head was tilted to the side as she listened carefully. "Sounds like…"

"Kolya." It was a growl, and Rodney was surprised at the sheer malice John managed to put into the word.

"Surprised?" Koyla asked, finally entering their line of sight, gun held at the ready.

"You’re alive." Rodney saw Sheppard's fingers twitch towards the gun in his thigh holster.

"As far as I can tell," he replied, the sound of his voice sending shivers of dread down Rodney's back. "Did you actually think a single bullet to the shoulder would kill me? I always thought you were smarter than that…"

"What’d you do to Ford?" John cut him off.

Koyla glanced to the side. "He’s fine."

Rodney could tell John was clenching his jaw. "So what do you want?"

"Same as you major," he said with a shrug. "The lost treasure of the Quindozum."

"What possible use could that be to you?" John twitched towards his gun again, and Rodney knew it was only Ford and not knowing what had happened to him that was keeping Sheppard from drawing it.

"The Sudarians have informed me that this ZPM…what ever it might be, is an object of great power, and great power is of use to all people. Especially the Genii."

Oh no. Nonononono. This couldn't be happening.

"Suneera," Allina spat, anger in her features as she turned to her fellow scientist.

"They offered us a great reward, Allina. They agreed to let us keep the treasure if we—" Suneera was cut off when Allina slapped her, making Rodney's eyes go wide.

John had been listening, if his eyes hadn't left the Genii above them. "They’re no use to you, Kolya. ZPMs only work on Atlantis."

"Perhaps. But I prefer hearing that from a Genii scientist."

"We do not have it yet. We have not found the ninth stone." Teyla stayed out of range, but added her calm voice to the proceedings.

"We have an unbelievably large tactical advantage over you," Koyla said with a sneer. "Now if you would rather I just covered the mouth chamber up and forget about the whole thing. I’m more than willing to consider it."

Oh no. Nononononono. That would be bad, Rodney thought, already moving forward.

"She’s right," Rodney said, panic in his voice. No. They couldn’t entomb then in here. There had to be something he could do… "We’re close, but we’re not there yet. Look, the ninth stone is hidden on another planet. All we have is the gate address."

"Doctor McKay!" Kolya almost purred his name. "So wonderful to hear your grating voice again. How's the arm?"

Rodney moved a few more feet forward, his fear turning to anger and determination as a plan began to form in his head. "Do you wanna keep trading barbs or do you want to find the ZPM? Look, let me out of here and I’ll help you find it. But then you let my team go."

For the first time, John looked away from Kolya, catching Rodney's eyes. "Shut up, McKay!" He hissed it.

"Have you got a better idea?" Rodney whispered back, raising an eyebrow.

John stared at him for a moment, and it was startling how much emotion flittered across his features. "No," it came out harsh, reluctant.

"Do we have a deal or not?" McKay asked, raising his voice loud enough for Koyla to hear—even though he was beginning to panic at what the Genii soldier might do to him. But whatever it was, if he could make sure his team was safe…

Kolya seemed to consider it. "You and one of the Daganians will be raised out. Along with everyone's weapons and radios. The rest of you will remain here. If Doctor McKay finds the ZPM the others will be let go. I give you my word." He disappeared from view.

"Well, we have his word." John muttered it, but he hadn't stopped staring at Rodney.

"I don’t see that we have much choice," he said, his words only for John, trying to apologize for everything with a single look. Glancing away finally, he moved to the rope, looking up even though his hands were coated with sweat and his heart was thumping in his chest. "Coming up!"

***

John paced the small room. He knew he was starting to get on both Teyla's and Ford's nerves, but he couldn't stop himself. They had their desperation trap set, but they couldn't do anything until Kolya came back.

And if he had so much as scratched Rodney…

No, best not go in that direction, not yet. The Genii bastard needed McKay alive and healthy if he wanted the ZPM. He's unstable, but not stupid.

God…Rodney…

The sound of movement above made him freeze, heart beating fast as he listened for the one voice he cared about.

"Major Sheppard," Koyla said as he came into John's line of sight, a gun held to Rodney's head. "It seems we need to join you in the chamber below, but I wanted to make sure there were no…misunderstandings among us."

"If you hurt him, Kolya, I swear you won't be able to run fast enough or far enough." John glared up at him, fighting down his anger—he needed to stay clear enough to deal with the situation. He could take care of Rodney later.

"I believe you are at a disadvantage, Major. I can—and will—do whatever I wish."

John clenched his hands at his sides. As much as he hated it, Kolya was right—he had the advantage right now. He clenched his jaw. He was going to have one hell of a headache later when he finally relaxed again. "What do you want me to do?"

"I want to see all three of you on your knees, hands on your head, fingers laced. I will send down a guard first to make sure you do not get any…ideas."

John gestured to Ford and Teyla, then sank to his knees, hands behind his head. "Aw, come on, Kolya. We're all one big happy family. No reason not to trust us."

"I remember what you did on Atlantis, Major, and that is one mistake I will not make again," he said coldly as McKay shifted uncomfortably in his grip.

He watched the guard come down and take up position, making a point of pressing his weapon against John's head. The metal was cool, smooth. Kolya and Rodney followed, McKay's eyes going wide when he saw them. John couldn't give anything away, but he tried to project as much comfort as he was capable of. "Welcome back to Casa del Hole."

Rodney's smile was tight, quick, worried.

They were all shuffled back to the pedestal, where John, Teyla, and Ford were pushed back to their knees. John opened his mouth to make another snide remark, but the butt of the gun was shoved back in his face, hard enough this time to make him blink at the pain.

"You may wish to keep your comments to yourself, Major," Koyla said with a sneer as he pushed Rodney toward the console, the scientist getting to work immediately along with one of the guards.

John grunted, still feeling the stun from the blow. He managed to refocus, however, when one of the Genii suddenly dropped dead and he was being pulled to his feet.

He started placing stones with Rodney, aware that if they got this wrong, he was a dead man. He leaned in to McKay slightly. "Anytime you want to start ah…"

"I’m thinking I’m thinking I’m thinking…" Rodney hissed, panic on his face.

John took a risk and put a hand on Rodney's arm, knowing he needed to get the scientist calmed down. "Alright. We tried one to nine."

"Thank you, yes," he said with a roll of his eyes. That was more like it.

"Well how about nine to one?"

"Well, possibly," Rodney said with a shrug, pausing for a beat to continue with a little more confidence. "Look, Pranes was right. The center stone is the only one that locks into place, all the others must move around it. I’m just trying to think of a combination that makes sense with five in the middle."

John started thinking out loud, dredging up the math abilities he usually kept well-buried. "Fifteen. It’s got to be something to do with fifteen…or…nine or…five…"

"Shut up, please. I’m trying to think," Rodney snapped, his eyes focusing inward as his mind went over possibilities.

"Don’t tell me to shut up, Rodney. My life’s at stake." John took a deep breath and tried not to think too hard about that.

"Exactly, so simmer down and let me save it."

"Heard the term two heads are better than one?" Despite the situation, he had to admit he was taking perverse pleasure from their banter. If he was going to die in a few minutes, at least he would go down with Rodney's snark in his ears.

"It’s a common misconception," Rodney replied with an absent wave of his hand.

John glanced back at Kolya, a tight grin on his face. "Give me the gun. I’ll shoot him myself."

"This is taking too long. Choose and go," Koyla said sharply, Rodney's head jerking up to stare at him.

"You got somewhere you got to be?"

"Choose and go," the Genii repeated, his voice hard.

After a beat, Rodney shook his head. "I got nothing."

John felt panic start to well up, and he pushed it down. "Thanks for the pep talk."

"Nine to one. That’s all I can think off," Rodney admitted quietly.

John caught his eye and held it for a moment, trying to tell him without words everything he felt, everything they had left unspoken between them. "Alright. Step back."

McKay's eyes were wide, fearful and apologetic at the same time. "I’m sorry."

"I’m not dead yet." He didn't want Rodney to give up.

"Yeah…sorry," McKay said quietly, moving away.

At Kolya's barked, "Major, now." John turned back to the stones, staring hard at them. Suddenly, it all clicked into place. He knew he had seen something like this before.

He looked back up, grinning. "I got it!"

"What?" Rodney said immediately, moving forward a step.

"The Brotherhood of Fifteen—"

"What about it?"

Still grinning, John pointed it out. "The numbers one to nine have been put in three by three grids with fifteen in every direction."

McKay took a moment, staring at the tiles on the pedestal, his eyes widening after a few beats. "Oh! You’re right…how’d you know that?"

If anything, his grin got wider. "It was on the MENSA test."

"You’re a member of MENSA?" John couldn't help but be amused at the shock on Rodney's face.

"No," he shrugged. "I took the test."

"When?" The disbelief was thick in Rodney's voice and posture.

John raised an eyebrow. "You wanna talk about this now, Rodney?"

"Right right…" Rodney said, his eyes drifting over to where Koyla stood watching them carefully. "Okay."

The next few minutes were muttered numbers between them, as they both counted and shuffled the stones around. When they got it, John looked up to find Rodney staring at him.

"That’s it. That’s got to be it," Rodney said, his eyes wide and hopeful.

At Kolya's sardonic "Good luck," John refocused. The next few minutes were a blur, as they found the ZPM and turned the tables on their guards. It was quick, dirty, and he thanked anyone who was listening that none of their own got hurt. This could have gone very badly very fast.

He looked around at his team, and then down at the Genii leader. "Alright we’re getting out of here. We’ll send a villager to pick you up in about an hour."

"The smart thing would be to kill me now," Koyla said with a glower, his eyes shifting to where Rodney stood cradling the ZPM against his chest.

John walked over and pressed the gun into Kolya's face. He considered it. And then he realized he was contemplating cold-blooded murder. He couldn't be that guy. "You’re right. I’ll tell you what…I’m gonna want points for this in the future." He leaned down, letting Kolya see his anger, see how close he was to pulling the trigger. "But if you ever do this again, I will kill you. Deal?"

At Koyla's nod, Sheppard backed off, glancing around the chamber as Ford and Teyla climbed out, throwing the rope back down for them.

He looked Rodney over carefully, looking for any cuts or bruises. He was going to have to do a closer look when they got back. "We good?"

Rodney nodded, still blinking repeatedly from the flash-bang. "Yeah, as far as I can see."

He reached out to touch Rodney's arm again, needing to reassure himself the geek really was okay. Finally he nodded. "Let's move out."

Rodney nodded, something flashing across his face for a moment, before it was replaced by annoyance. "I can’t believe you never mentioned the MENSA thing."

He shrugged. "I did the test, never joined."

"But you passed?"

John was suddenly wary. There was a reason he kept his intelligence hidden. "Yes..."

"Well, you know we have we have a chapter on Atlantis you should—"

"Rodney!" John broke in. "Up the rope."

The scientist scowled at him for a minute before nodding, holding onto the ZPM for dear life as Ford and Teyla hauled him upward.

They wandered back towards town and the Stargate. Ford at point, Teyla on their six, and Rodney cooing happily to the ZPM. John looked up as the Lieutenant glanced back at them.

"I thought we’d never find one of those things," he admitted, a wry grin aimed at McKay.

John stretched his arms above his head. As the adrenaline wore off, he was starting to crash. It had been a long day. "I'm gonna sleep pretty soundly tonight."

"Not me," Rodney said, shaking his head, his eyes on the ZPM. "I’m gonna be up all night. Getting every system I can online." A beat later and Rodney was running head, falling into step beside Allina. "I don’t think we’ll ever be able to properly repay you for this."

John saw the look in her eyes and knew in a heartbeat that this wasn't over yet. Shit. The villagers raised weapons around them. "You won't have to."

"I’m sorry?" Rodney asked, his eyes wide, disappointment, fear, and disbelief on his face.

"All right, all right, easy..." John put his body between Rodney and the bulk of the weapons.

"Allina? You’re involved with the Genii?" John could hear the utter shock in Rodney's voice.

Her voice had gone cold. "This has nothing to do with the Genii. I'm a member of the new Brotherhood."

"Then what is this about?"

"Ten generations ago, after a severe culling, the Brotherhood was destroyed. Many of us found their writings, and decided to complete the task handed down to us by the Ancestors. I am the new Master Handler. We thank you for helping us find the Potentia, but it must go into hiding again."

John narrowed his eyes. "We come from the city of the Ancestors. That ZPM was intended for us."

"No," she shook her head. "You live in Atlantis, but you are not the Ancestors."

He turned to Rodney, who was still looking stunned. "What did you tell her?"

Rodney ignored John's question, focusing in on Allina, passion and determination in his voice, trying to make her understand, trying to make her see. "Atlantis might fall, if we don’t take this back. And it would serve no purpose. You really think the Ancestors would have wanted that?"

She got the look of the religious zealot, and John knew they were fighting a losing battle. "None of us can know their plan."

He decided for one last-ditch effort. "They don’t have a plan. You think getting attacked by the Wraith and getting chased out of the galaxy’s something they planned for?"

"Allina, you’re far too smart to think that—"

"The Potentia will be put into hiding on another world " She stepped forward and took the ZPM from Rodney's grasp. John tensed again, but let out a breath when she backed off. "When the ancestors return our people will be greatly rewarded."

"Allina, you can’t believe that," Rodney said, shaking his head as his empty hands gestured. "Look. Come back with us. Let me prove it to you."

"This is how it must be." She gave Rodney a last look that set John's hackles up. "Now it is time for you to leave."

"But Allina—" Rodney began, taking a step forward, the villager's weapons rising at his movement.

John grabbed Rodney and pushed him entirely behind his body. "We'll leave. There's no need for this to end in death."

"Major—" Rodney protested, but John could feel him trembling a little—from what, John wasn't certain.

"I believe it is time for you to leave," Allina said coldly.

"Leaving. Ford, Teyla, move out." He started forward, careful to keep Rodney close and behind him at all times.

As soon as they reached the gate, he motioned for Teyla to dial out. God, it had been a really sucky day.

***

He'd lost the ZPM.

It had been in his hands. He'd been holding it, but now it was gone along with any hope of actually saving the city.

Rodney wanted to do nothing more but curl up somewhere and hide for the next two weeks, but that didn't seem like it was a possibility—at least not according to Elizabeth. No, they had to figure out a way to fight back, to keep the city safe—or find another alternative to utter and complete destruction at the hands of the Wraith.

After the mission and the post-mission check, he'd managed to slink off to the labs, hiding there in a half-hearted attempt to work, going through the emails that had accumulated while he'd been on Dagan.

What a mess.

Minimizing his email program, he opened up the mainframe interface, moving back to the research he'd been doing in the days leading up to their mission.

He found one. He'd be able to find another.

He wasn't aware of anyone else in the labs until there was a hand on his elbow, jerking him up and out of his seat. They were halfway across the room before it registered who it was and that they were headed for his office.

"What? Major, what do you think you're doing?" Rodney said, trying to get his arm out of John's grip, but the other man just held on tighter.

John didn't stop until they were behind the closed door, lock clicking into place. He turned and pushed Rodney against the wall, expression intense. "I need to make sure you're okay. Just... just hold still and let me all right?"

"I'm fine. Koyla…he didn't do anything."

John growled slightly. "Let me look. I need... Rodney..." He moved close enough that McKay could taste his breath—minty. He must have brushed. "I love you, okay? We can go back to the 'just friends' thing tomorrow if you want, but right now, I just need to see for myself that the fucker didn't touch you."

Oh god.

He let his head drop back against the wall, his eyes wide as he stared at John, disbelief, shock, fear, and amazement battling within. No one had ever told him that before.

"No…no you can't…" he whispered, his hands resting on John's hips. "That's just not possible."

Desperation flickered across John's face. "Please. I'm working on not letting this be a problem for our friendship, but I need to see, to make sure..."

"But…you just can't…"

"I know…I just can't come in and do this. I know. But it was Kolya, and last time the bastard had you... Please?" John put his head on Rodney's shoulder. "Please?"

"John…you…" Rodney swallowed thickly, unable to get his mind around the words John had said. His next words were whispered, pulled from somewhere deep within. "How can you love me?"

John pulled back enough to look him in the eye. "I just do. I know men aren't supposed to, you know, say stuff like that. But I could have died. Kolya could have killed you. I just wanted to say it once." He sighed and started to stand up, pull back. "Sorry. I... haven't fucked up our friendship again just now, have I?"

Rodney couldn't look away, but at the same time just wanted to hide. This was not happening. This couldn't be happening. Nothing like this was supposed to happen to him. "No…no one has ever…said that."

John paused. "I meant it." He leaned in pressing a chaste kiss to the corner of Rodney's mouth. "Don't know how you managed to work your way in, but..."

"Nononono. You can't mean it. You just…can't," Rodney said, trying to move to the side, but John held him fast.

"Rodney..." He hesitated a moment, and then began to press light kisses along Rodney's jaw, talking between each one. "I don't just want you for sex, although that's fucking amazing. I want to make you sleep, take care of yourself. It kills me to see you push yourself like that and know I'm not allowed to step in and stop you. I want to fight over what movie we watch and bump knees on the couch during team night. God, I just want you."

"You don't understand. That's not how it's supposed to work with me," Rodney said, his heart beginning to beat harder, as he fought against his initial reaction to run.

"I was never in this for a fling, for the short-term."

"Koyla must have hit you in the head or something, because things like this don't happen to me. They can't. No one stays. No one wants to stay. I'll drive you away; I know I will."

John raised his head and caught Rodney's eye. "You haven't driven me away yet, and you've been trying the last few months. What makes you think you'd manage to do it by accident?"

"They all do."

"They were jerks who used you for their own pleasure." John caught his chin, running a thumb along it. "I do love you. If that's all that stands between us, I would have said it a long time ago."

"But you can’t. You shouldn't. I’m not…" Rodney broke off suddenly, not wanting to put the rest into words even though they resounded in his head.

"I do. And you are." John pressed another kiss into the corner of his mouth and then stood back, slowly. "I won't press it, although you should know it is taking a tremendous act of willpower to leave you alone right now. But I don't want half-way, Rodney. I want you, all of you, freely given."

"Even after everything."

"That's my line. I screwed up, and you have no idea how sorry I am about that. But I never stopped wanting you, Rodney. That's not something that can be flipped on and off like a light switch."

"I know," Rodney whispered.

John's hand came up partway back to Rodney's face, then fell again. He closed his eyes, and when he opened them, Rodney realized he was deliberately dropping the walls he usually kept between himself and the world. "I can't do this if you're going to run again. It hurts too much to almost have you and then lose you again. It will drive me insane."

"I…you were like the rest of them. How could I have thought otherwise?"

Pain washed across John's face. "No. I wasn't... didn't... I tried to fight her, Rodney. A few times, I would start to think it was wrong, think of you, and then... it was like a bright light, washing away all my other thoughts. I didn't want her. I didn't sleep with her. I managed to retain that much control over my actions at least."

"I…I know that now. But then…I just…I couldn't let that happen to me again. I just couldn't. They might not have been good, or right, but those…relationships were all that I had."

"I'll never knowingly hurt you. Never. And if we ever go back to Earth, I am hunting down the ones who did and I’m fucking killing them."

"John…that's…that's not what I want."

"What do you want?"

Rodney looked away, closing his eyes. "That's the real question, isn't it?"

John shifted. "Think about it. You know where to find me if you decide you want to give us another try. I wish I could make up your mind for you, but... Like I said, I want all of you—no regrets, no doubts."

Turning back, Rodney finally saw John—really saw him. Good and bad, faults and perfection, passion and hunger and…love all rolled into one.

His body remembered the way John had made him feel, while his mind recalled the contentment, the peace of mind. His heart remembered breaking, just a bit, when he'd told John 'no' and slept alone in a one-person bed that perfectly fit two.

He didn't want to be alone. He wanted to fly—again and again and again.

Reaching out, Rodney caught the edge of John's sleeve before shifting, latching onto his arm and pulling him closer. His free hand reached for John's head, fingers caressing his jaw before sliding back into his hair.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, drawing John closer.

John let himself be pulled, hands coming up to wrap around Rodney's waist. "Love you."

Rodney knew his body was trembling and John's hands were warm and just like he remembered. He leaned in, tucking his face against John's chest to smell him, feel him.

John tightened the embrace, pulled their bodies close together. Rodney felt him run his nose through his hair, blowing warm puffs of air into it. "Missed you so much."

He needed this, wanted this more than he imagined he could.

"Come back to my room. Stay the night."

Trailing his fingers through John's hair, Rodney wrapped his other hand around John's waist and just held on, letting John move them so the wall was at McKay's back. He was surrounded. Safe.

John shifted against him until he could press his lips against the corner of Rodney's mouth again. "If you let me in, I'm not letting you go again. Never. Don't do this if you aren't sure. You're mine, and I won't let you go."

"You won't leave?" His voice was small, but Rodney had to ask, had to know.

"Never."

Rodney turned his face into John's chest again, breathing deeply, knowing that for the first and only time in his life that he'd been happy when he was with John. It was like he completed him, gave him balance.

He didn't want to live without him.

Lifting his head, he tentatively leaned in, grazing John's lips with his own. "I want this," he whispered. "Want you."

John moaned, diving in, pulling him into a searing kiss. When they had to break for air, he didn't stop, worked his way down Rodney's neck, yanking aside the collar of his shirt. "Mine," was the only warning he got before he was being marked, in John's spot that had been empty for so long.

Rodney groaned, his arms tightening around John as he tilted his head to the side, shuddering from the sensations he thought he'd forgotten. His body, though, remembered.

When John let the skin slip from between his lips, he pulled back to admire it. "We're going to my room before this goes any further. I want you naked so I can touch every inch of your body. Mine, Rodney. You're mine."

Nodding, Rodney whispered, "Yours," as he leaned in for another kiss, loving the taste, the smell, the feel of John.

He got another moan for that, and another deep kiss, John's tongue pushing deep into his mouth, claiming him. When it ended, John pulled away, catching Rodney's hand and linking their fingers so he could tug him towards the door. "Bedroom, now." He sounded more than a little breathless.

John dropped his hand as soon as they were in public, but stayed within a few inches of him, brushing his hands and fingers against Rodney's body as they walked. They moved swiftly through the corridors, most not giving them a second glance, many on their way to a late dinner or a social engagement of one sort or another, while others headed to their posts, gearing up for a quiet night shift.

They made it to John's room in record time, and as soon as the door was shut, locking behind them, Rodney found himself backed into the wall again, John's hands tugging at the zipper of his jacket, trying to get it off. "Naked. I need you naked now."

Rodney batted his hands away for a moment, only long enough to unzip the garment before John was pushing it off his shoulders, the hem of his shirt on the rise even before he managed to get his hands free of the jacket sleeves.

"John—" Rodney protested as the shirt passed over his head, John pushing down the fabric as it got tangled with the jacket, pinning his arms behind him.

"Mmmmm, good idea. That works for me." He kissed his way along Rodney's neck, working his way south as his fingers deftly unbuttoned Rodney's pants. He shoved BDUs and boxers down in one swoop, letting them pool around Rodney's ankles. Then he stepped back, eyes dark with need as they swept over Rodney's body.

Still struggling with the fabric around his forearms, Rodney felt strangely awkward and exposed, but any protest he had died on his lips when he met John's eyes. "John, please…" he began, the words whispered, pleading.

John swallowed, but gently helped Rodney get free of his clothing. He led him to the bed, and pressed him into it, then began a systematic assault, leaving no patch of skin untouched, unkissed.

Rodney touched and caressed, his hands mapping the familiar territory of John's body, reacquainting himself with it once again.

This was really happening. John was here, with him. John loved him.

That little tidbit nearly broke his heart a little, but only rebuilt it stronger than it had been only moments before.

He must have made some kind of sound, because John was there a moment later, kissing him, his lips running along his jaw.

"Hey, it's okay. Rodney, it's okay." John continued to press kisses into anything he could reach.

"I don't want to be alone," Rodney whispered.

"You're not alone. Not anymore."

He lifted his head, catching John's mouth in a kiss, trying to say the things he couldn't, his hands holding tightly onto Sheppard's head, holding him there.

"Think I'm overdressed." John murmured the words into his mouth in between kisses.

"You're fine."

"You're naked, and I'm not."

Rodney considered it for a moment before moving in to kiss John again, pulling back a moment later as he shifted under John, the fabric rubbing against his naked body in all the right places. "I noticed that."

"Makes it hard to get inside you. Fabric gets in the way."

"Want you."

John kissed him hard. "God, you have no idea how much I want you. It hurts."

Rodney moaned, loving the way John kissed, the promises his tongue made. "You have me," he finally said, panting out the words.

John sat up, moving so he could reach the nightstand, pulling the familiar bottle of lube out. He slicked up a finger and reached around, teasing at Rodney's entrance. "I'm going to get you loose and ready, then I'm going to strip and fuck you senseless. And when we catch our breath, I'm going to start all over again."

John's finger ducked inside and Rodney groaned. The last time they'd done this…God, it had been so good. He pushed down a little, feeling the finger slide in deeper, his muscles clenching around it.

"So tight. God, you feel so good..." John didn't add a second finger until Rodney was panting for it, and he didn't add a third until Rodney begged.

With one hand on his hip, holding him down, John's other hand worked him slowly, carefully, finger-fucking him with a deliberate casualness that was driving Rodney crazy. With his hands clenched in the bedcovers, Rodney moaned and whimpered, wanting to feel John inside of him, wanting to be full, but the other man wasn't ready for that yet, teasing him until he was half out of his mind.

Then the fingers were gone, leaving him empty. "So beautiful like this, all spread out for me. But I'm not ready for it to end yet." John rolled to the side and started to fondle Rodney's nipples, the lube on his fingers making it frictionless rolling instead of pinching and squeezing.

Rodney tried to roll to the side, tried to capture John's mouth in a kiss, but his shuddering body wasn't obeying his commands any longer. Instead it was listening to John.

Sheppard kept taking him higher and higher, closer to the edge without letting him fall. John didn't keep it up for too much longer before he sat up and started trying to strip off his clothes with shaky hands. "Need to be inside you now. Want to come in you, and I'm close..."

"God, yes, John…please."

The pants were gone, and Rodney noticed in passing that John hadn't bothered trying to get his shirt off. Instead he was pushing in, one long, slow slide that left them both panting by the time he stopped to let Rodney adjust.

"Oh….feels so good…so full" Rodney murmured, hooking his legs and arms around John, trying to pull him tighter, closer.

"Not gonna last long. Want to feel you come." John's hand found Rodney's thus-far neglected dick and began to stroke. He did that twirly thing with his thumb on the head that Rodney had never been able to duplicate when he was jerking off alone.

A few strokes and Rodney felt his balls start to draw up, the pool of pleasure expanding outward and then he was coming, long and hard, his ass muscles clenching down on John as he thrust into him, as best he could with Rodney's legs around him.

John said his name—over and over—whispering it like an endearment as he filled Rodney with his own seed, then collapsed on top, sprawled across Rodney's chest, softening dick still buried deep.

Rodney just held on, pressing kisses to John's shoulder and neck, loving the feel of John on top of him, the feeling of him pressing close.

When John shifted, he only moved enough to take some of his weight on his elbows. "I am never going to here the end of the 'I told you so's' from Carson and Teyla."

"Hmm?" Rodney asked, taking a breath, his muscles relaxed for the first time in days, weeks.

"They've both had to listen to me moon over you for weeks now. You might be able to work this for some good trades, now that you're rescuing them from me."

"I'm sorry, John," Rodney apologized, wishing he could change what had happened.

"Hey. No more of that. We're both sorry, and it's past now, all right?" John listed sideways to free a hand. He dragged his thumb along Rodney's jaw, smiling softly. "We can call it an experiment. In order to test if we should be together, we had to spend some time apart. Now that we've got it out of the way, we can blissfully be together."

"With the Wraith two weeks away. Sure," Rodney commented, scowling a little as their situation came rushing back.

His lover—lover!—sighed. "I know. But we'll get through it. We always do, right? We'll find a way to stop them." John dropped his eyes, hand dropping to card through Rodney's chest hair.

"And I lost the ZPM."

"It wasn't your fault. You didn't know Allina was a bitch looking to double-cross us at the first opportunity."

"I should have known better."

John moved, finally pulling out, causing them both to groan. He rolled onto his side, pressing himself all the way down Rodney's body. "You couldn't have known. That's like me saying I should have known Kolya would show up. It wasn't anyone's fault, and we'll figure something out."

"Maybe," Rodney said, his hand on John's arm, his eyelids heavy.

"When was the last time you really slept? And not just cat naps? Oh, and remind me to tell you a funny story about pinning Elizabeth to the wall by accident later."

"What?!" Rodney asked, his eyes opening immediately. "You did what?"

John gave him a sheepish grin. "I was arguing with her, trying to get her to order you to sleep or something. I was worried about you. And I might have been so tired myself that I think I dozed leaning against the wall. Next thing I knew, there was someone touching me and I reacted. Had her arm back and pinned to the wall like an attacker. I let go as soon as I was awake enough to realize she wasn't an enemy, and felt really bad about it. Makes a good story though."

Rodney looked at him for a long moment before replying. "I thought you only did that to me."

"I pin you to walls to screw you. I pinned her to the wall to neutralize her as an opponent. She's actually lucky I snapped out of it so fast. I could have broken her arm."

"Breaking her arm might have been a bad thing," Rodney conceded after a moment. "You might not want to try that again."

"No, definitely not." John brushed a kiss across his forehead. "Besides, I prefer the kind of pinning to walls I do with you. I like the way you feel, hot and hard, all along my body."

Rodney shifted, his ass a little sore from bring stretched after so long, but he loved the feeling. He tightened his arms around John, letting out a long breath.

"Do you have anything that absolutely has to get done tomorrow? I know after that we're going to be in a frenzy of prep for the attack, but can you afford to take a day before it starts?"

"We have two weeks, John. Two weeks to try and come up with a plan that might keep us alive."

"I know. And I know that even though I've just gotten you back, I'm not going to see much of you for the next few weeks." John pulled back to look him in the eye. "Which is why, if you can afford it, I want tomorrow. I don't know what's going to happen when they get here, so I want to make every moment I have with you count."

"We have a meeting with Elizabeth—"

John's lips being brushed across his cut off the words. "I know. I can take care of it, but only if you think you can take the day. Don't worry about meetings or any of that shit. Just the sciency stuff only you can do. Can it wait twenty-four hours?"

"I don't know. I didn't even get the chance to go through things when I got back."

"Half-day then? I already know I can't ask you for no late nights. I'll be surprised if any of us get much sleep starting tomorrow. But I want to take my time with you, make you fly."

"I have to talk to Radek. I can't answer either way until I do."

"Fair enough. Don't be surprised if you get a few quickies though. I've gone two months without sex, I'm a bit deprived. But I'll make them fast, so you can get back to work."

Rodney groaned, remembering their mid-day encounters. John could be so creative. "We do have now," he said with a shy smile.

The grin he got in return was anything but innocent. "I'm trying to decide what I want to do with you. Shower sex is always good. I could rim you, blow you—I miss your taste. I could play with your nipples until you squirm for me. Or we could do all three. I'm sorta leaning towards the last one."

Leaning forward, Rodney pressed a kiss to John's lips before dropping his head back against the pillow. "Whatever you want."

"Mmmm, I love those words coming from you." He moved, catching a nipple between his lips, sucking on it, licking it, nipping at it, all the while twirling its mate between his fingers.

Rodney arched his back—wanting more contact while also needing to pull away—moaning and whimpering as John played with him, his body squirming and shifting under the assault. "John…oh god…"

His lover gave an evil chuckle, then crawled over Rodney, only to reverse the torture, until both nipples were swollen and red.

By the time John pulled off, Rodney was rock hard and leaking once again, the pressure building as he begged for release, for the little more than would send him over the edge.

John slipped off the bed, returning a moment later with the Ancient cock ring. He didn't ask permission, just slipped it on, although the vibration was left off. "I'm not ready for you to come yet. Roll over, and get on your hands and knees. I want to taste you."

Rodney groaned, but rolled over, managing to get in the position John wanted. In the middle of the bed he waited, feeling John's eyes on him, watching him, looking at him. Glancing over his shoulder, he caught his lover's eye, offering a wicked smile.

John raised an eyebrow. "Dare I ask?"

"Just waiting."

"Mmmm. Such a beautiful ass. I was taking a moment to appreciate it."

"I thought you might be thinking of other ways to ravish me."

"That too."

"I…the blindfold's in my quarters."

John disappeared for a moment, and came back with a damp washcloth. He began to carefully clean between Rodney's cheeks, wiping away the lube and semen that had dried there. "I know. I saw it there. We'll retrieve it to put back with the other toys later."

"You're not mad?"

"Why would I be?"

"Because I took it. It's really your stuff. I…wanted something." Rodney shrugged a little, the gesture hard in his current position. "Sorry, sorry. Not a good time."

A hand started to rub circles on his lower back, as the washcloth treatment continued, dipping slightly inside him to clean there as well. "They belong to both of us, and I wouldn't use them without you. Actually, it kinda gave me hope to see you'd taken it, and were keeping it so close."

Rodney relaxed into John's caress, letting his head drop, hanging between his arms as John cleaned him and touched him.

Before he could get too lost in the sensations, the cloth disappeared, and a warm, wet tongue was being pushed inside.

The hands on his ass made sure John had plenty of room while also keeping Rodney steady, not allowing him to push back, just making him stay there and take it. He moaned and whimpered, wanting more, begging for more.

"Mmm, tongue is getting tired. How sore are you?"

"I'm okay," Rodney panted, needing to feel John again.

"Good." John pressed two lubed fingers in suddenly, hooking them to catch Rodney's prostate.

"Oh god!" Rodney said, trembling and shuddering at the sensations rolling through his body, his cock aching.

"Since we haven't done this in a while, I won't make you wait too long. But I'm not going to let you come until I'm blowing you. I want to feel you in my mouth, drink you down." The fingers disappeared after a few more hits to his prostate, and then John's dick was pressing back in again.

"John…oh…full, so full. Feels so good," Rodney panted, trying to stay as still as possible.

John fucked him with long, slow strokes, drawing it out as long as possible. The hands on his hips held him in place, forcing him to continue to just take it. He knew John was getting close when the thrusts started to get shorter, more erratic.

His body was a mass of sensations, from the pain in his tightly-held cock, to the slide of John in and out, to his abused nipples begging for more. "Oh…please…John…" Rodney breathed, his arms shaking, threatening to tip him over.

"God...Rodney...so tight...love you..." John stilled, and Rodney could feel him coming.

John pulsed within him, groaning as he collapsed on top of Rodney, the sudden weight tipping McKay down, both of them ending up flat on the bed, John covering Rodney.

John panted for a few minutes, then pushed himself up, rolling off and out of Rodney. He nudged Rodney's shoulder. "On your back so I can take care of you."

It took Rodney a moment to turn, hissing as his cock brushed against the bed. "Please…hurts…John, please…"

John didn't answer, just wrapping his mouth around Rodney's aching erection as soon as he was flat and sucking hard, while unlatching the ring at the same time.

Rodney bucked up, hands clenching the sheets as he moaned.

John pulled off long enough to look up at him through his eyelashes. "Come for me. Let me taste you." And then his very talented mouth was back on Rodney's dick, tongue doing wicked, wicked things.

He whimpered as John teased him, but as soon as he started sucking Rodney was coming a moment later, groaning low and long as John swallowed him down, taking every last drop until he was soft and spent.

He pulled off with a pop, and moved up to kiss Rodney, letting him taste himself in John's mouth.

It was sweet and warm and held the promise of more. Rodney moaned, letting his eyes close, his hands resting on John's arm while the other one snuck under the black t-shirt John was still wearing.

John jerked when he found a nipple, moaning into Rodney's mouth. "Oh fuck...feels good..."

"Hmm….tired though," Rodney whispered, pulling back a little, just enough for his lips to ghost over John's as he spoke.

"Yeah. Been a long day." John wiggled until he was curled against Rodney, managing to not dislodge the hand fondling him at the same time.

Rodney could feel sleep tugging at him, dragging him down, his touches and caresses slowing as he fell, knowing John would catch him.

"Go to sleep, Rodney. I'll be here when you wake up." John pulled Rodney's hand out from under his shirt and got them arranged to sleep, both falling back into their old positions as if they had never stopped.

"Hmm…" Rodney said, part agreement, part acknowledgement. It didn't matter. John knew what he meant. And between one breath and the next, slumber stole him away.

***

John woke up feeling more refreshed and content than he had in weeks. It only took him a few heartbeats to identify the warm body he was currently draped over.

Sitting up, he saw Rodney was still sleeping. A glance at the clock showed it was only 2400—he had managed to sleep for a few hours.

Rodney.

 

John moved so he could look his fill, drinking in the pale skin dotted with marks he had either deliberately made, or, along his lover’s hips, the faint outlines where he had gripped a little too hard.

He had Rodney back.

This actually hadn’t been what he had expected when he had gone to find the physicist after the mission. He honestly didn’t think Rodney would allow him to get close again, but Kolya and near death, followed by the shocking news of the Wraith attack and more on the way, had prompted him to seek out McKay and at least say the words that had been hovering in the back of his mind for so long one time.

 

Rodney was in his bed, was his. And he was never letting him go again.

He was pulled out of the tight circle of his thoughts when he caught of flash of blue from under long lashes. “Hey, you awake?”

"Mmm…maybe," he muttered.

"Only maybe?"

"Maybe." His eyes opened wider, looking carefully at John. "I really am here, right?"

John gave his dick a quick pull. "Yup, you're here."

Rodney moaned, shifting a little. "Just making sure."

"So, hey, we missed dinner. Want to raid the mess, then come back and make out like horny teenagers?" John grinned at him.

Rodney considered it for a moment before nodding. "Food would be a good thing, I think."

John ran a possessive hand over Rodney's stomach. "Yeah, I figured you probably needed to eat. Come on. We can make sandwiches."

"You might want to change your shirt," McKay said with an amused smile as John sat up.

He looked down then laughed. "I don't know. The just-had-wild-sex look doesn't work for me?" He pulled it off in a fluid motion, tossing it on to the floor.

"No, the come-stains don't when we're going to be in public."

"I think I can handle that." John rolled off the bed and stretched as he went digging for something clean. "We need to bring some of your clothes back here so you don't have to put on the dirty, wrinkled stuff. We'll swing by on the way back and grab you something for tomorrow."

"Okay," Rodney nodded, slowly sitting up, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, shifting a little when he finally got upright, a small smile on his face.

Since he was off duty, John had pulled on a pair of sweats and another of his favorite black t-shirts. Those were all starting to get a bit worn. He was going to be depressed when he ran out of wearable shirts. He leaned against the desk to watch Rodney get dressed. "I forgot how great your body is."

McKay paused, looking up as he tugged his pants into place, his shift and jacket still on the floor somewhere. His face was turning a light shade of red. "What?"

"I believe the term I'm looking for here is ‘Hot’. You're fucking hot." John didn't bother to try to hide the fact that he was checking out Rodney's ass. "And I can ogle the way you look in those pants again. Sweet."

This time the blush was obvious as Rodney bent down to get his shirt, but he purposely angled his ass so John would get an eyeful.

Not surprisingly, John felt himself getting hard.

Rodney glanced at him, a smirk rising to his face as he tugged his shirt into place. And he bent over a second time to retrieve his jacket. Slowly.

"Oh..." The sweats were loose, but, yeah, they were starting to get a little uncomfortable.

McKay weaved a little when he stood the second time, catching his balance with his hand on the wall.

Desire forgotten, John was immediately at his side, steadying him. "When was the last time you ate something besides a PowerBar?"

"Um," he began, a sheepish expression on his face. "I had breakfast on Dagan and a few snacks…"

John shook his head, then leaned in for a quick kiss. "Let's go. We can return to our previously scheduled seduction after a word from our sponsors."

"We have sponsors? Since when?" Rodney asked, straightening the rest of his clothing as they stepped outside, heading to the mess side-by-side.

John grinned at him. "Today's activities have been brought to you by almost-turkey—so good you almost think it's turkey."

"Oh dear…" Rodney said with a chuckle as they stepped out of the transporter and right into Carson.

John felt himself flush as Beckett took in what he was wearing, Rodney's rumpled state, and the fact that they two of them were wandering the halls together at this time of night. "Hey, you looking for a midnight snack, too?"

Carson's eyebrow lifted and the corner of his mouth twitched. "I came to get some tea but was too lazy to make something."

John shook his head. "It takes all of five minutes to make a sandwich." Since the doctor had turned and was walking with them as they headed towards the mess, he mentally shrugged. "Doesn't take any longer to make three than it does to make two. Want one?"

"I could eat," Carson replied.

John glanced over as they slipped in to the kitchen and he started pulling out the sandwich stuff the staff had started keeping in one place for him. "So what are you doing up this late anyway?"

"Was going over some reports," Carson said with a shrug, glancing at Rodney. "You doing okay, lad?"

Rodney nodded. "Fine. Good, actually."

It didn't take John long to assemble three rather large sandwiches. He put one in front of each of his companions.

"Thanks," Rodney muttered, biting into his without hesitation, Carson watching him carefully.

John ate a few bites, then finally shook his head. "All right, Beckett, out with it. You've obviously got something on your mind."

The doctor looked between the two of them—Rodney obliviously chowing down on his sandwich before he turned toward the large refrigerator stepping inside in search of something. Carson turned to John, an eyebrow on the rise. "So, what's going on?"

John raised his meal and quirked an eyebrow before taking a bite. "We're eating sandwiches."

"Aye."

"And you had to ask to make sure? Maybe you should lay off the late night reports if they leave you this dazed."

"John," Carson said with a sigh.

"Carson." John shot him a mischievous grin.

"Please tell me that I'm not going to go through the last couple of weeks again."

John glanced over at the pantry, where Rodney was making happy noises. "No." He let the naughty smirk he was wearing slide into a real smile. "I'm not letting him walk away again."

"This is it, what you both want?"

"I love him, Carson. Took me a while to admit it, but..." He glanced back over his shoulder, towards his physicist. "I made it clear that I didn't want half-way. He came to me of his own will, if that's what you're asking. I... I know he needs me, as much as I need him."

Carson opened his mouth to say something when Rodney emerged from the walk-in refrigerator, a bag of something in his hands. "Did you see this? I can't believe there's still some left."

John held out his arm, a flash of...something...going through him when Rodney not only handed the bag over, but shifted so John's hand was resting on his waist, seemingly without thinking about it. "What is it?"

"Don't you recognize it? Twinkies. They have Twinkies left."

John hadn't actually looked, but now he pulled one out, unable to help the look of awe he gave it. "Twinkies..." He tore one open, breaking it in half and holding up one side for Rodney while he closed his eyes and took a bite of the other. "Oh God... I miss processed sugar."

As Rodney leaned in to take a bite, Carson cleared his throat, turning red and backing away. "Thanks for the sandwich and I'm happy to see you…together…But I think I'll be…"

John felt himself go red. He had managed to forget Carson for a minute. "Um... want a Twinkie?"

"No, thank you. You both seem to be enjoying the last two. But I will never look at a Twinkie the same way again."

"It's not like we're having sex with them..." John trailed off, as images of fucking Rodney while eating Twinkies, or licking Twinkie off Rodney's body, or, oh God, using Twinkie cream as lube for finger-fucking, then licking it away from there.... John was getting hard, and he knew he was turning an even more vivid shade of red. "Um."

Rodney chuckled as Carson beat a hasty retreat, sandwich in hand. "Serves him right you know."

John stood and pulled Rodney into a deep, Twinkie-tasting kiss. "He gave me ideas. Save the last one for later."

McKay's eyebrow rose, but he hummed in agreement into the kiss. Once they broke off, he flashed John a mischievous smile. "So I shouldn't mention that I knew they were there, I guess?"

"Mmmm. Holding out on me, eh? Any more sugary snack stashes I should be aware of?"

"I didn't think you wanted Carson asking too many questions and no, there's really not many left."

"Well, I didn't think he wanted to know where I want to lick the cream out of on your body." John sat back down on the stool and spread his legs, pulling Rodney to stand between them—he had great access to his ass this way.

McKay settled in with a contented smile, licking the last of the cream from the first Twinkie off his fingers. "As much good as Elizabeth's little speech a while back might have done, I don't think she meant this. You do know anyone can walk in, right?"

"I know. But it's late, and not many people have access to the mess kitchen after-hours. You have no idea how much begging I had to do." He squeezed the firm globes that fit so nicely in his hands. "Do we need anything else here before we head back to bed?"

"I looked for whipped cream, but I didn't see any. No chocolate sauce either."

John hummed his appreciation for the effort as he pushed Rodney's shirt up far enough to lick his nipples. "I like initiative."

"John…" Rodney moaned—half in warning, half with pleasure—his hands curling around to rest on John's back, kneading the muscles.

Grinning, John tugged his shirt back down. "All right, let's take this somewhere less public, shall we?"

"We can do that," Rodney said, leaning down to press his lips against John's ear, nibbling at the lobe a little.

Groaning, John let his head fall to the side. It had been too long. "If you don't stop, we aren't going anywhere," he managed to gasp out.

Tonguing his ear, Rodney chuckled.

John whimpered, tilting his head further to give Rodney better access.

Rodney hummed, kissing and nipping the skin behind John's ear, his hands tightening around the soldier's body.

"Oh God... Okay, hold that thought." With a great deal of reluctance, John maneuvered Rodney back far enough to stand up. "As exciting as the thought of having sex in the kitchen is, you're right, we can't do this here." He pressed a light kiss into Rodney's mouth. "Grab the Twinkie."

Rodney smirked, reaching down and grabbing John's semi-hard cock in his hand. "Got it."

He couldn't help the quick thrust of his hips, accompanied by another groan. "We need to get somewhere private ASAP. We need to make a pit stop at your quarters, too."

"Whatever you say, John."

Quirking his lips, John snagged the Twinkie—the real one—and tossed their dishes in the Ancient version of a dishwasher while Rodney threw away the little bit of trash they had. When they got in the transporter, he pulled the physicist in for another kiss. "Go to your room and grab a few changes of clothes, then come back to my room. It will raise less eyebrows that way, on the off chance we run into anyone in the halls."

"And me dragging luggage through the halls won't?"

"Just bring a few things—I'll wash whatever you leave dirty when I do my stuff, so you really only need one or two changes. I want to be able to take my time ravishing you in the morning."

Rodney nodded, squeezing John's ass with his hands before stepping back. "Give me ten minutes."

"I'll be waiting." John watching him go, then went briskly down the hall. He suppressed the groan—this time not the pleasurable variety—when he ran into Bates. "Sergeant. What are you doing out and about this time of night?"

"Making my rounds, sir. Everything alright?" His eyes took in John's appearance, but he didn't comment.

John nodded, acutely aware of his current attire. "Woke up hungry and raided the mess. All quiet?"

"More or less. Just keeping an eye on things."

"Good. Keep me posted if that changes. Also, I'd like to call a meeting of all the high-ranking officers tomorrow. We need to start making plans and back-up plans in case the science team can't find a way to increase the shield power. I'd also like to secure a Beta and Alpha site, so we'll need to assign teams to being scouting potential locations."

"Good idea, sir," Bates said, his voice holding the hint of something, but John wasn't able to put his finger on it.

He decided to see if he could track it down. "Anything else I need to be aware of?"

"No, sir. People are where they are supposed to be."

"The next few weeks are going to be increasingly hectic. If you think of anything that could help us either keep things calm here or give us an edge against the Wraith, don't wait for me to ask. Come find me, or Ford if I'm not available. We're going to need every resource we can get."

"Will do, sir. And, if I may speak freely…you may want to retire to your quarters."

John glanced down at himself with a rueful grin. "I wasn't planning on running into anyone on my sandwich run. I'll see you tomorrow. Schedule a meeting for the military personnel and let me know when you need me."

"Sandwich, sir? Wine and cheese is usually a better bet for the lady. Have a good night, sir."

John decided retreat was probably in order, so he gave the other man a quick salute—great, this was just going to fuel those Kirk rumors Rodney kept spreading around. He managed to not slink as he slipped back into his quarters. Pulling off the sweats and his shirt, he dropped onto the bed to wait for Rodney, grateful, at least, that Bates route had already taken him past the route the scientist would have to take.

It took a few more minutes before the door opened, revealing Rodney with a pack slung over his shoulder as he glanced around the hall before entering. "What is with Bates?"

John groaned. "You ran into him? I had hoped he would be past your position by now."

"I didn't mean to," Rodney replied with a scowl, dropping the pack in the corner before sitting in the desk chair, untying his boots and pulling them free. "It was like he's stalking the residential area. I had to wait until he passed by before I could walk down the hall."

"He's trying to figure out who I'm trysting with."

Rodney glanced up, surprise on his face. "What?"

John rolled onto his side so Rodney could see that he was still half-hard from the teasing earlier. "Sweats don't exactly hide much, and I ran into him coming back here. I played it off as a sandwich run, but he mentioned I should try wine and cheese for my lady friend." He rolled his eyes. "Sometimes I think my Marines need more to do if their best form of entertainment is speculating on my love life."

Rodney scowled, tugging off his socks and rubbing his feet. "He's too nosey."

"We can talk about Bates later. Right now, I think you need to get naked and come over here to pick up where you left off."

Rodney, though, took that as an invitation to strip and talk. "I mean it. He asks too many questions and he's always around, hovering." Rodney's jacket and shirt were the first to go, leaving him topless as he turned toward John. "I know it's his job to 'secure the base', but does he have to poke into everyone's business?"

John tried not to get too distracted by the strip tease going on in front of him, although certain parts of him were twitching. "Ah…He's security, so it's his job to know what's going on, but if he's giving you a hard time, I can take care of it."

"No, that's not what I want you to do," Rodney said, shaking his head, seemingly oblivious to the fact that he was putting on one hell of a show. "I just don't know what his problem is."

John whimpered as Rodney unbuttoned his pants, then got distracted again and started pacing, hands waving in the air. He wasn't sure what he wanted—to watch Rodney rant half-dressed, or to get him focused on the ravishing portion of the evening. They were both pretty hot. "Guh."

"He keeps asking questions from everyone. It's like he's looking for an excuse to do something," Rodney was saying, his hands waving. "He doesn't trust the scientists. Always thinks we have some kind of ulterior motive."

"I'll keep an eye on him. I'll have Ford keep an eye out, too. I trust your instincts, if you think something is off." Unable to help himself, John wrapped his fingers loosely around his dick and started to stroke, trying to time the movements to coincide with Rodney's gestures. He wasn't sure what it said about him that ranting got him hot.

"It's just…" Rodney said, trailing off with a sigh. "Is it bad that I wish we didn't have to worry about…this," McKay asked his hands gesturing between the two of them, his eyes on the floor.

John was panting, although he was keeping his touches light enough that he wouldn't come. That was for later. "Wish we didn't have to worry about it either. DADT was designed to protect guys like me and let us serve, but it gets twisted sometimes. Most officers will look the other way, but I've made too many enemies to take the risk."

Rodney sighed again, tugging off his pants and boxers and dropping his radio earpiece on top of the pile. When he finally looked up at John his eyes widened when he realized what he was doing. "I…wow…" McKay stared for a long moment before shaking off his surprise. "I talked to Radek. I have to meet him at 1300 tomorrow to go over possible plans."

"But you're free until then?"

Rodney offered a shy smile and nodded, holding up a finger to ask John to wait. He moved back toward the door and reached into his pack, digging around. He turned back a moment later wielding a small familiar piece of fabric. "I thought you might want this back."

Letting go of himself, John held out his arms with a smile. "You need to be over here."

"Do I?"

"Come, touch me." He needed those expressive hands on him, he felt like his skin was practically vibrating with the need to feel Rodney exploring his body.

Rodney looked at him for a long moment, his entire body showing his desire, before he moved to the bed climbing on top of John. Leaning down he pressed the blindfold into John's hand and a kiss to his lips. "I want to learn you again."

Swallowing hard, John took the blindfold and tied it on, breath hitching at the way the tension just evaporated from Rodney's frame as his sight was taken away. John leaned back, arms above his head. "Touch me. Taste me. But don't come. I want to be inside you when you come."

Rodney whispered his thanks, a kiss brushing against John's lips before he moved on, McKay's lips, tongue, and hands tracing every last piece of John's skin. He moved slowly, carefully, reverently caressing and touching John's body.

He spent time with each of John's nipples, tonguing and sucking until John was squirming and whimpering, trailing kisses down toward his bellybutton, his hands warm against John's sides.

John panted, trying hard not to let the sensations overwhelm him. He knew he was babbling, but he stopped trying to stem the flow of words, which consisted mostly of 'Rodney', 'oh God', 'love you', and 'please'.

John could feel the puff of air against his skin as Rodney chuckled, continuing his assault on John's body, avoiding his cock and moving down his legs.

He let Rodney get all the way down to his toes before he couldn't take it any more. He sat up, momentarily stunned at the sight before him. The blindfold hid his lover's eyes, but the rest of his face had a blissed-out expression. The cock John had wet dreams about was hard and leaking, begging to be touched. He reached down and tugged, twisting them so Rodney was on the bottom, John stretched out on top of him. He captured that wonderful mouth in a deep kiss.

Rodney moaned, opening his legs to let John settle closer to him, his hands wrapping around his back, pulling him down.

John started his own assault, making his way down Rodney's neck and chest. He sat up and pulled Rodney's arms back around, kissing the palms and wrists.

He leaned down to reach under the bed, tugging out the box where he kept their toys, a thrill going through him at being able to use them again. He laced the soft leather cuffs onto Rodney, running his tongue along the seam where fabric met skin, moaning at the mingled taste of Rodney with the material.

 

He hooked them together, then pressed Rodney’s arms above his head, securing them to the headboard. He sat back and smiled at the view. “Acres and acres, and it's all mine.”

"Yes, John. Please," Rodney whispered, his voice breathy and low as he relaxed into the bed, tugging at the bonds before letting his arms fall back.

Humming to himself, John got a pillow under Rodney's hips to get the right angle. He found the last Twinkie on Atlantis that he had tossed onto his desk earlier, and, unwrapping it, he carefully broke it in half. With a wicked grin, he put a little cream on the tip of his finger and ran it across Rodney's lips.

Rodney's mouth opened, letting John dip his finger inside before pulling it out. Licking his lips, McKay offered a smile. "Dessert?"

"Don't mind if I do." He got more of the cream and set about carefully coating each of Rodney's nipples with it. He put some in his lover's belly button, then smeared the rest along his dick. When all he had left was the cake, he started breaking off small pieces, feeding it first to Rodney, then taking a bit for himself, until it was gone.

Rodney hummed in pleasure, licking a few crumbs off his lips. "I'm glad I hid them."

"Me, too. Carson's right, I'll never think of Twinkies the same way again." John moved in for a lazy kiss before moving on to one still-sensitive nipple, humming happily at the way the sweet sugar mixed with pure Rodney.

"Oh…" McKay moaned, arching his back, pressing his chest into John's mouth, encouraging his ministrations. Tugging at his bonds, Rodney squirmed—his muscles tensing and relaxing—while his feet slowly slid up and down John's leg—the only part he could reach.

John moved on to the other nipple, giving it the same treatment. When he had licked off all the cream there, he moved down, dipping his tongue over and over into Rodney's belly button.

Rodney squirmed and moaned beneath him, trying to thrust up into John, but Sheppard wasn't giving him any room to move, pressing his weight against Rodney's legs. "Please…John…oh, please…"

"Not done yet. Don't come." Then he went back to licking, getting the faint smears he had left when he had touched Rodney's chest and stomach while coating him.

He moaned, trembling beneath John's touches.

Finally, John moved down south, licking a broad, wet stripe up Rodney's erection. "You're like a pastry I just can't get enough of. Sweet and perfect."

"Oh…God…please John…"

He tugged lightly on Rodney's balls until his lover had relaxed a bit. "I still have cream to lick off. No ending the festivities early." He kissed the tip of the leaking dick, then went back to tonguing all along its length.

Rodney squirmed, his hands clenching and unclenching as he moaned and whimpered, sweat beading on his forehead, panting as he tried to hold on.

When the last of the cream was a memory, John reached back and teased Rodney's entrance as he concentrated his mouth around the head, lapping up the pre-come. The little hole was still loose from their earlier play, but he knew how much Rodney loved being fingered.

"John, please…gonna come, have to come, please."

"Not yet. I want to feel you come around me." He knew Rodney was close, so he pulled his finger free. Grabbing the lube he had left next to them, he slicked himself up and pushed in, wishing he could go slow and drag it out, but knowing that would probably set Rodney over the edge.

He was rewarded with a long, low growl somewhere from deep inside Rodney's chest, before he whimpered. "Feels so good…John…so full…please, John."

Making a few short strokes to adjust the angle, John smiled when a whimper told him he had gotten it right. Then, without giving Rodney any warning, he gripped his hips and started to pound, making it fast and hard and tagging Rodney's prostate with every stroke.

Rodney was hanging onto the headboard, moaning and whimpering—sobbing when John got the angle just right—his panting words a jumble of non-sense intermixed with John's name.

"Come. Rodney, come for me, come now."

A strangled moan was his reply as Rodney arched his back and came, shooting his seed between them, his body shuddering through his climax. John felt every bit of it through his cock as he rode McKay through the aftershocks, trying to hold on, but with Rodney clenching around him he lost the battle.

He gave three more hard, rough thrusts, before he was coming, his brain leaking out through his dick and into Rodney. As he collapsed, he rolled to the side, panting. It took a few tries to get his arms working, but he managed to reach up and unhook Rodney's arms from the headboard and separate them, although he didn't bother taking the cuffs off, or removing the blindfold.

Rodney turned into John as soon as he was able, tucking his face into John's shoulder and holding on tightly, still panting, his heartbeat slowing steadily. He mumbled something into John's skin, pulling him closer.

"What?" John ran his hands along Rodney's back in soothing circles.

McKay pulled back a little, shifting so he was even with John's ear. "I…I don’t want this to end."

"Me neither. You're mine, and I don't share well with others."

"Yes…" Rodney whispered, "all yours."

"Good." He waited a few heartbeats, listening to Rodney breathe. "It works both ways you know. I'm yours."

"And you better not forget that."

"Don't plan to."

"Good," Rodney said, settling in with a contented sigh.

John curled close, and, with a quiet, happy sigh, he slipped back to sleep.

***

Rodney wasn't sure what woke him exactly.

Maybe it was the chill in the room. Maybe it was the feeling that John was gone from along his side.

Or it might have been the feeling of a hand stroking his cock, making him hard, pleasure pooling in the base of his spine.

Rodney moved to shift, to reach down toward his lover, only to discover his hands were bound once again—one to each corner of the bed. Tugging on the bindings, Rodney moaned, letting himself feel and enjoy the pleasure John gave him.

Warmth on his ankles, though, made him pause for a beat before his brain caught up. He tried to pull his legs together, only to discover that John had tied them as well, which made him moan deeply with pleasure.

"Oh…god….John…"

"Morning, Rodney."

"John…oooh…my…" he managed to say—just before cool metal touched him, encircling his cock and tightening down. He tugged against his bindings, but they held him fast, the feeling of being tied to the bed going right to his already painful erection. "John! Oh…please…"

"We're just getting started. You don't want me to stop, do you?"

"What…what do you think?"

John chuckled, a low, dirty sound. "I want to give you something to think about when you're in the labs later. Every time the stress starts to get to high, when you're tempted to panic—you'll think about this instead and relax. And then you'll come find me, I'll make you purr and sob and fly so high it hurts before you go back to work clear-headed and loose."

"Please, John," Rodney begged, "I…I want you to." He needed this, wanted this. He needed to let go, to just feel for a while. "Please," he whispered, "please take care of me."

A hand landed on his stomach, hot, and heavy, giving him something to focus on. "I'm here, Rodney. Trust me."

"Love you, trust you, please..."

He felt John freeze. His voice came out as a hard whisper, rough and strangled. "You...what?"

"Please, John. I need you, love you so much. I…I don't want to be alone."

John's lips were suddenly on his, kissing the corners, along his jaw, and coming back up to push into his mouth. "Rodney. Oh God, Rodney, you aren't alone, never again. Love you, won't ever leave you again."

"I…I need to see you for a minute, please…"

The blindfold was tugged away, John's hazel eyes the first thing he saw. "Love you."

Rodney held John's eyes, his body spread out completely for his lover. "Promise me, please. I…I can't do that…again. John, I need—"

John kissed him breathless before answering. "Never, Rodney. I wish I could promise that I'll be by your side until we're both old and grey. I'll do my best. The only reason I will ever leave you will be because I'm dead. And since I have no plans to die any time soon... I love you, you have no idea how much."

Rodney closed his eyes, emotions close to the surface as he pressed kisses into whatever skin he could reach.

John moved to cover Rodney's body with his own, pushing him down into the mattress. "Tell me what you're thinking."

"Scared of losing you again," Rodney said, admitting his fears immediately as they hovered just beneath the surface. "Worried this is a dream. Scared how much I love you and need you. I…" he trailed off, his chest tight.

"Not a dream. That was the easy one." John nuzzled along his jaw. "I know how you feel about the third. I've never wanted anyone this much, Rodney. You're mine, and when I couldn't touch you it damn near drove me mad. I promise I'll never walk away. I... Neither of us would be happy doing anything else, and that means we're both in danger all the time. I won't stop you, but I will do my best to protect you. I give you permission to do everything within your considerable power to do the same for me. It's not enough I know, but..."

Rodney opened his eyes, staring up at the ceiling. "No one has ever…done this…been like this with me. It terrifies me as much as it makes me happy. John, you…you do that. I don't know how, or why, or…but you do."

"Love you."

"I…I love you, too," Rodney said quietly, knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that he really did.

"Then that's all that matters. We'll deal with everything else as needed."

"Okay."

John's kiss was tender, full of emotion.

Rodney kissed him back, firmly, trying to put everything he was feeling into it, his eyes drifting shut as he let the sensations build, one on top of the other. John pulled back to take a breath before diving in again, this time a little rougher, wetter, dirtier, his tongue battling with Rodney's. They chuckled when they banged noses, each trying to get the advantage.

John, however, had the use of his hands and they weren't still. Fingers carded through his chest hair, tweaked his nipples, ran up and down his sides, even as they continued to kiss.

Moaning into the kiss, Rodney let John take full control, Sheppard's tongue plundering his mouth while his hands did wicked things to his body.

When they broke for air again, John moved south, and the cock ring, which had been forgotten, suddenly flared to life, vibrating softly at first, but steadily increasing over time.

Rodney moaned and squirmed under the sensations rippling through his body, his head falling to the side as he panted, his eyes clenched tightly shut.

John was using his teeth, and Rodney knew he was going to have more than one mark after this. John scooted up the bed, and sucked Rodney's fingers into his mouth, starting there and working his way down each arm, pausing for deep kisses any time he got anywhere near Rodney's mouth.

McKay felt himself relaxing into the bed, the sensations making him feel like he was floating, endorphins and pleasure cushioning him.

John avoided the usual areas, his nipples, cock, and ass all left untouched in favor of the insides of his elbows, his knees, the soles of his feet.

Rodney opened his eyes, tilting his head so he would watch John, staring at his face as he stroked and caressed him, the love and affection showing clearly with every touch, every expression.

"I could do this all day," John looked almost dreamy. "Just touch you, watch you watch me, listen to the little noises you make."

"Wish you could."

"We've got until about 1000. That'll give us time to get showered and have lunch before your meeting with Zelenka."

"Okay," Rodney said, smiling lazily at John, content to let the other man play.

Even with the buzzing from the ring that kept him in a state of arousal, John managed to make him disconnect completely, drifting in a haze. So it was a bit of a shock when three fingers were pushed inside him, hitting his prostate immediately.

"Oh…" he moaned, arching his back as he managed to push John's fingers in a little further, his already sore ass still welcoming the intrusion.

"How bad is the burn?" John was almost lazily moving his fingers in and out.

"Hmm…sore," Rodney answered immediately, quietly.

"I don't want to hurt you. If I fuck you again, are you going to be able to walk today?"

Rodney's eyelids fluttered open reluctantly as he gazed down at John. "Not sure…it's been a while, but you won't hurt me."

John withdrew his fingers. "We'll work back up to regular fucking several times a day. For now..." Rodney's eyes widened as John sat up on his knees and reached around behind himself, head dropping back. "I'll just have to take you the...oh...other way."

"John, please…I’m good…"

John was panting, raising and lowering himself slightly as he finger-fucked his own ass. "Mmmm, I'll...be inside you...later. Want to get in...shower sex...anyway."

Rodney whimpered as he watched John, aching to touch him, but all he could do was lie there and watch his lover.

He knew when John had added a second finger by the low moan, and when the third went in, John's dick started leaking. The cock ring started vibrating at the highest setting, making Rodney buck up as John pulled his fingers free. Sheppard positioned himself, and then he was sinking down, hot and tight all around Rodney's cock, and he wasn't allowed to come yet.

Rodney's head dropped back, his eyes closing as he bared his throat and groaned, unable to move to thrust, just letting John take his pleasure from him, riding him and sending him higher and higher.

John was moaning again. Rodney could tell when he had found an angle that allowed him to tag his prostate. He was moving slow, clenching along the way. "Open your eyes. Watch me touch myself and fuck myself on you."

Dragging his eyes open, McKay gazed at his lover, watching the pleasure on his face as he fucked himself, his hand on his cock stroking up and down, twisting just so. John's body trembled as he neared his climax, his head dropping back as pleasure rose.

John was decadent, beautiful, his body glistening from the sheen of sweat on his skin.

With a cry, John was coming, spilling his seed onto Rodney's stomach and slumping down, whimpering as Rodney's still-hard dick settled even deeper inside him as he panted for breath. One of his hands moved to draw random patterns in the cooling mess now coating Rodney.

McKay was aching, whimpering as John slowly pulled himself off, laying down along Rodney's body, his fingers still playing with the come on his chest, using it to lubricate Rodney's already sensitive nipples as he began to play once again.

"John…" Rodney moaned, turning his head toward his lover.

"Hmm?" John hadn't regained speech yet—Rodney remembered that the harder John came, the longer it took him to find speech again, even if he was mobile sooner than that.

He whimpered as John's fingers squeezed, sending shudders through his body, his limbs tugging at the bonds that held him in place. The rough fabric of the washcloth on his cock was nearly enough to send him over the edge—if it weren't for the ring.

"You wanted something?"

"You…" Rodney panted, the answer coming quickly to his lips. "Just you."

"You've got me." John fondled him into insensibility. When all he was capable of was a high-pitched whine, John moved again, swallowing him down, humming, pushing his tongue into the slit along his head to lick away the pre-come.

Rodney knew he was sobbing, but he didn't care. He was one big nerve and John was just pushing him higher and higher.

His lover pulled off with a pop, looking up at him. "When you feel the ring fall off, come."

He could only nod his reply and a moment later, John was sucking him again, his tongue and teeth doing wicked things to his overly-sensitive cock. Rodney's eyes drifted closed and he floated in a haze of arousal and desperate need, his dick encased in the warmth of John's mouth.

It happened with no warning. John sucked him hard, and the ring fell away, the vibrations that had been thrumming through him were suddenly gone. At the same time, two fingers were pushed inside him, hard against his prostate.

The feeling of release was so intense, and combined with the stimulation of his prostate, Rodney cried out as hic cock pulsed in John's mouth. His lover swallowed every drop as he continued to rub against his prostate, sending shudders through his body, his orgasm the only thing he could feel as it rolled through his body over and over.

He felt himself softening in John's mouth, his body slumping against the mattress as his head rolled to the side. As he slid into darkness he swore he felt a kiss on the inside of his thigh.

***

John chuckled as he looked at the spent body of his lover. He licked his lips, chasing the fading flavor of come lingering there.

He had missed pushing Rodney to such heights he passed out.

Sitting up, he hummed happily to himself at the burn in his ass. He didn’t have Rodney fuck him often, so it made it all the better when he did.

He had gotten one of his lover’s legs untied and was working on the second when a groan let him know Rodney was starting to come around. “Hey there. Hold still while I get you untangled.”

McKay tugged at his bonds, whimpering a little, not quite back to reality.

Quickly undoing the knots on the second ankle cuff, John covered Rodney's body with his own while he started on the wrist ties. "It's okay. I'm here. Getting you unhooked now."

"John?"

"I'm here."

"Hold me…please…" Rodney's voice was a little broken, still quiet.

He got the last knot out, then wrapped himself around Rodney completely, pressing a kiss into skin when his lover's arms went around him, squeezing tight. "I'm here. I love you."

Rodney burrowed in, his body trembling a little, clutching John tightly.

John rolled them slightly, so they were both on their sides, pressed tightly together chest to chest, legs tangled up. He would stay here as long as Rodney needed him.

It took a few minutes before he could feel Rodney relaxing again, the murmured words against his skin starting to become clear. "Real. This is real. God…John…love you, need you…"

"Shhh, hey, it's okay Rodney. I'm really here. I'm not going anywhere." He started rubbing Rodney's back, trying to soothe him.

"Better not…" came the reply nearly a minute later, a kiss to his collarbone following a moment later.

"We're both sticky and in desperate need of a shower. What do you say we go get cleaned up? You'll feel a lot better after that."

Instead of answering, Rodney pressed a few more kisses against his skin, tightening his arms around John.

"Or we can stay here a few more minutes. That works for me, too." He pressed his lips to Rodney's temple—the only thing he could really reach at the moment—and tightened his hold.

Rodney's fingers drew circles on his back, the palms pressed to skin as he held his face against John's chest, his breath tickling.

They were starting to stick together. John had more chest hair than Rodney, so when they shifted, he winced. "Shower. Nothing kills the post-coital haze faster than having my hair pulled out by dried semen." He gently untangled them and rolled off the bed, turning to tug Rodney up as well.

McKay's eyes were wide and very blue, looking up at John with a gaze so full of trust and love that John nearly stumbled from the intensity of it.

"God...Rodney...Love you so much..." He pulled the other man up and into another kiss. He would never, never, get tired of kissing Rodney.

McKay's arms encircled his waist and he melted against John, returning the kiss completely.

It took them a few minutes to make it to the bathroom. They didn't separate, and every step was punctuated by deep, very passionate kisses. When they hit the shower, John flicked it on with thought, making it hot, and pulled them under the spray. He perked up when he realized he got to wash Rodney's body again.

The scientist raised his head, looking at John evenly, his hands sitting carefully on John's hips. They stood that way for a few seconds before John realized Rodney was waiting for him, waiting for him to do something, say something.

Rodney was going to kill him, if the tightness in his chest was any indication. He had always laughed at the clichés that you could love someone so much it hurt sometimes. Yeah...not so much anymore. John pulled back and grabbed a washcloth, soaping it up and, without a word, started cleaning every inch of Rodney's body.

He moved easily when John indicated he should, turning and leaning, words not needed, a simple touch or gesture enough.

When he was sure Rodney was clean—even pushing the tip of the cloth into his ass—John stood up, stretching. A few muscles popped, and he winced. "If you have time later, I might get you to work some of these knots out for me." He quickly rubbed himself down, then grabbed the shampoo bottle and handed it to Rodney, turning and leaning his head back for full access. "Wash my hair for me?"

"I'd like to," McKay said quietly, nodding. He poured a dollop of shampoo into his hand and after giving John back the bottle, he began to wash John's hair, his strong, fingers kneading his scalp until finally Rodney pulled him under the water, rinsing the soap and suds free.

"I think I just may have you do that for me every night. It's just better that way." He told the shower thank you, they were done now—he had gotten into the habit of being polite in his requests to the city, a fact which would probably earn him the Rodney eye-roll if he ever found out—and grabbed two towels. One went around his waist, and the other he used to dry McKay with the same care he had used to wash him.

And what surprised John more than anything else was that Rodney let him—wash him, dry him—without comment or protest, offering up his body to John however he wanted it.

He realized Rodney had finally gotten to a place where he had given his body, completely, to John. As soon as his lover was dry, John kissed him, hard, trying to tell him he understood, that he would take care of Rodney, that he loved him.

Arms wrapped around him and Rodney returned the kiss, deepening it once again, pressing John back a few steps until he hit the bathroom counter.

John let him, let him take control for a moment. He understood Rodney needed him to be in charge the bulk of the time, and he himself wouldn't be able to handle any other way. But it was nice to have that bulk pressing against him every now and then, too. He moaned a little into the kiss.

After another few moments, Rodney finally stepped back, holding John's gaze with his eyes. "Thank you."

John let his eyes sweep over Rodney's body, taking in the marks he had left all over, and the poor abused nipples. "I think I should be the one saying that. But you're welcome."

Rodney placed his hand in the center of John's chest, at first lightly and then pressing down, not hard, but firm. "Thank you for showing me what we have, for not giving up. We…we have two weeks until the Wraith are here and we might not have time for anything else, but if we don't survive I'll have this memory."

John caught his jaw and ran a thumb along it. "We still have two weeks. You and your staff will come up with something. And if you don't I'll have my men securing an evacuation site for us. And in the meantime, I will be seeking you out during the day, you can come find me, even if you just need five minutes to clear your head with someone else. And we'll have the nights together."

"No, John," Rodney said, shaking his head. "Until this finishes, one way or another, I don't think either of us has time for this."

"Lazy nights like that, no. And I know you'll be working long hours, we both will. But if you think I got you back only to lose you for the next two weeks, you are in for a surprise. Even if all I can have some nights is a few hours curled together trying to get a little sleep, I'm taking it."

Rodney sighed, nodding, his hands sliding around to hold John again.

"You're mine, and I'm not letting you go."

"I'm not going anywhere."

John kissed him gently. "We need to get dressed, and grab some breakfast. It's going to be a long couple of weeks from here on out."

"Yes, it is."

"But we'll do it together." He forced Rodney to look at him. "No matter what happens, we're in this together."

Rodney holds his eyes for a long moment before nodding, leaning in to press his lips to John's. "Together."

***

The End


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